In a funk

I am in a funk like I haven’t been for a long time. I usually go never more than two days without swimming and usually not more than one, but I haven’t been to the pool since Wednesday. I have just been lying around binging and being on my computer for the last four days and I just can’t seem to do anything. I am so disappointed in how this weekend has turned out and I can’t stand being in this place for another minute! I feel so gross.

B is in Las Vegas until tomorrow for his bachelor party and I just feel annoyed that he went for 4 NIGHTS, which even he is saying is waaay too long. I don’t want to seem so needy but I was just in a bad place last week from really not feeling well and it was a bad time for him to be gone so long. When he went on a work trip for 5 days last month I did perfectly fine, but I am just sick of being alone this week. I thought I was going to do something with some friends this weekend they all ended up going to Vegas too for a concert. We had talked earlier about going wine tasting in Temecula as some kind of psuedo-bachelorette party for me but last weekend I asked B what was going on with that (he works with these girls) and he said “oh they are all going to Vegas too for a concert” – not with him but by themselves obviously and I just feel like I was just left here and nobody told me. It’s weird.

I just feel so gross and I want to be in a healthy place right before my wedding. I don’t want to ride the bus to the pool because I have not been feeling well and I get anxious about going on the bus and getting stranded somewhere when I’m not feeling well so I’ve just been stuck here. At least he is getting home tomorrow and I have to MAKE myself go swim in the morning because I know that’s the only thing that will get me out of this, it’s the only thing that ever does. I just want some kind of opportunity to come my way, boredom is the worst thing in the world for me. I hate when people complain they are busy, I would give anything to be busy and have something to put my restless energy into and feel like I am accomplishing something, even if it’s just making money!

4 weeks!

It’s four weeks until our wedding today! I was always excited to get married but not so excited for the wedding, but that has changed in the last week or so. I am finally starting to get excited for the wedding too.

B is in Las Vegas for his bachelor party this weekend.

I am currently searching for wedding hairstyles. I want to do an up-do for sure but I need pictures that are more specific so I am saving what I like to Pinterest.

Bridezilla?

Wedding flowers: the florist e-mailed me yesterday because it’s almost time for her to order my flowers. I definitely do want to change a few things from what I told her when I met with her in December. I don’t really like this florist; she bothers me for some reason. I think she does really good work judging from her pictures and recommendations and I think she’ll do a great job with my flowers but on a personal level we haven’t had the best relationship. I’m trying to gather my thoughts about the flowers so that shall know exactly what I want. And so…to collect my thoughts…

Here are some pictures I pinned on to my wedding flowers board on Pinterest.

 

It’s weird how weddings bring the bridezilla out in people! I am not the stereotypical bride AT ALL. I am shy and don’t like to be the center of attention. I’m just worrying so much about accommodating everyone else. That’s why I have been surprised at myself about a couple of “bridezilla-type” thoughts that have been popping into my head. For instance, my cousin got married yesterday. When she sat her wedding day, I was annoyed because she got engaged over seven months after I did and then made her wedding a month before mine. I’m really happy for her so I feel ashamed that this irritated me so much. But I think it’s because it just “stole my thunder” as they say. I was unable to go to her wedding because it’s so soon before mine and I couldn’t travel twice, which was disappointing but also relieving (we aren’t super close in case you’re wondering, we just see each other at holidays). But I was looking at pictures in her dress looks kind of similar to mine and I was planning things with my grandma for my wedding and then it became about her wedding. I just felt like minds not as special anymore. And I feel so ashamed that I am having these thoughts! Just need to try not to think about it. My mom is annoying the heck out of me too. She told me how much my cousins dress looked like mine, as a way of describing it. She doesn’t even realize what she says is not what I want to hear at all.

 

Then my other bridezilla thing has to do with hair and makeup. Let me try to explain this. I don’t really want to have a real wedding. I would’ve rather had a private ceremony with just me and my fiancé. If you have a big wedding, I feel like you sacrifice that connection between you and your husband. It becomes all about everyone else in planning a party for everyone else, worrying about how they’re going to be doing, talking to other people as the hostess, etc. so I made an appointment to get my hair and makeup done and then my mom kind of hijacked my appointments and wants to get her hair and makeup done and then set up things for all the bridesmaids to get there’s done. I guess I’ve just been looking for a way to make that day special for me, a small way to focus on myself instead of worrying about everyone else. If I had awoke, I think I would have felt more like the princess because all of my grooms attention would’ve been on me and I would’ve to do what I wanted to do. So getting my hair and make up done is a way for me to feel like a Princess. If everyone else is getting there’s done too, it loses the special treatment value. Does that make sense? I don’t really see why bridesmaids have to get their makeup done when it’s not their wedding! I would never get my makeup done for someone else’s wedding, unless the bride specifically asked me to. The dumbest part of this is that I am almost positive that my sisters do not care AT ALL if they get their makeup done! They aren’t those kind of people who are vain like that. Plus my youngest sister is really good at doing hair and makeup herself. Show is does it for my mom and me when we have a party to go to. But, the problem is that I feel awkward stating this, like everyone will think I’m being rude. Even know if it was never set up for them they wouldn’t have cared. I don’t really care if my mom gets her makeup done. My mom is a beautiful woman, but face it she is not really my competition since she’s 27 years older than me! Haha. Plus my parents are paying for half of the wedding so she can do whatever she wants! Do you think it’s okay for me to say that I want to be the only one getting my hair and makeup done?

Anyway, not like a bad person saying all this! Here are some other things that are going on.

For food: we are having a sort of gourmet barbecue catering company do the food. It ended up being a lot cheaper, they think it’s actually going to be semi–nice. It’s not just sloppy with paper napkins. It’s like dry-rubbed turkey carving station, etc. It’s also going to be a buffet.

For drinks: B’s parents bought all the wine from winery near where they live in Washington that a family friend works at. This employee got them a 50% discount on all of it so it’s really nice wine. We’re going to do the signature drinks thing (hopefully the only trendy thing we do-I’m not into being trendy because I think it’s not timeless) where B’s drink is bourbon and 7 and mine is champagne with elderflower liqueur (a combination you must try; it makes me feel so elegant). Then we’re also going to have a beer: Coors light and tire. Hey, I’m from Colorado which they call the Napa Valley of beer because there are so many awesome microbreweries there. My actual favorite beer of all time is Easy Street Wheat made by O’ Dells Brewing Company. Maybe I’ll get some of that. But I can’t eat wheat anymore or drink beer (ultimate sadness and the worst part of having a gluten intolerance) and B doesn’t like wheat beer.

Surgery?

I rode the bus to the pool where I swim laps today and then I’ve been laying out tanning at the pool at our townhome complex. I want to be tan, and especially I want to be tan for my wedding!

I want to go back to school this fall. Correction: I am going back to school this fall, no matter what. I have to. B and I had a really good talk last night. He is so supportive and he made me feel a lot better. It’s hard to accept that because of my disability I can’t do the things I want, can’t follow the career path I want to right now. I feel like I am having to go with my second choice option. It’s hard to get past the disappointment of that, but the other day I was thinking that just because I have to go with Plan B for now doesn’t mean I can’t ever pursue plan A later on. Also, I feel like if I continue to do nothing, just waiting around, I’ll never do anything. All fall so far down that I’ll never be able to go for anything, and I can’t stand that anymore.

So I made a plan last night. To be honest I could do the first application in one day. I want to get that by the end of this week. Today I’m writing the essay.

The next part of the plan I decided that after almost 3 years I’m going to get surgery on the ulnar nerve in my right arm. I’m really scared. I guess I’m scared that something will go wrong and I’ll be worse off than I am now. I couldn’t handle that. I have to make an appointment to see an orthopedic surgeon. I know it’s an easy surgery, but I just want to go well. And I just don’t feel any compassion with the doctors or system at Kaiser Permanente. I hate them. I get anxious just thinking about it and I usually start crying. Just fill so unsupported and mistreated there. But I don’t see how I can move forward without at least trying the surgery. Just have to keep fighting. I will probably be talking more about this in the weeks and months to come.

In other news, I am obsessed with the Skinnygirl white peach margarita! Anyone else?

Dress Fitting

I promised myself that whenever I get triggered and have an impulse to cope in a negative way that I will write instead, whether it’s fiction or nonfiction or just blogging.
Last night I went in for my first wedding dress fitting. My dress arrived about 10 days ago. I have been seriously doubting my dress choice and seeing it on again made me feel better. I think that happens to a lot of people. You buy it so early and then forget what it looks like on you. In the meantime you’re bombarded with pictures of other dresses (not helped by an addiction to the show “Say Yes to the Dress”). It’s beautiful but I still wish I would have picked a more comfortable dress. Something with straps and something that wouldn’t involve me sucking in my stomach for the whole evening. Does anyone know of a good brand of shapewear? I’ve never worn any. Maybe that would help. I’m thinking of trying Bethany Frankel’s shapewear. Plus my dress was really expensive. I’m feeling guilty about that! It is really beautiful though. It has real French lace instead of synthetic lace, which I think looks cheap. The designer is Provnovias, in case you were wondering.
Anyway I left there liking it, but also in shock but I had to pay $410 for alterations! That was a shock! It has to be taken in, hemmed of course, plus the bustle. I’m thinking of having it cut and made into a cocktail-length dress after the wedding so that I could wear it again. Has anyone else ever done that? When I mentioned that it made B feel a lot better. He bought his own tuxedo (who I does that?) for $800 (!!) so he really has nothing to rub in my face.
I would put a picture of my dress on here but I don’t want to chance anyone seeing it for the wedding.
My puppy is so big now. Here’s a more recent picture of him.

In other news… I called my estranged sister and she said that she is coming to my wedding and would love to be a bridesmaid.

Great news: I g…

Great news: I got a new computer!

Which means that my dictation program is working again. My old computer wasn’t quite dead yet but it was having all kinds of problems and after work yesterday B surprised me when he picked me up with a new computer on the passenger seat. He actually got it on sale at Best Buy because apparently they’re going out of business?
It’s the exact same as my old computer, except the newer version. An HP Pavilion with the largest screen they make (and the largest keyboard). This means that I can blog again! AND I am determined to start working on the novel I was writing last summer again. I can’t think of many professions/careers that I can do without accommodations. And some of them I couldn’t even do with reasonable accommodations. Writing is an exception to all of that. It’s frustrating to not be able to type but I am so thankful for this dictation program.

I joined a therapy group and this week was my first week. I will be going every Tuesday night from 4 to 5:30 PM. I went yesterday. I wrote the bus there and it worked out fine, even though my feet hurt today from walking too much from stop to stop. It’s worth it to have something to do.

To update on everything …
1.) I am now really liking our townhouse that we moved into in March. I like the neighborhood, it’s closer to the bus stop, I love the gardening around here, I love just having more space. Still some worries about the bugs but it’s all been okay so far. Knock on wood. Did I mention though that a few weeks ago I found TWO black widows at the house??? SO scary! Took me a while to get over that, I’m still not really over it. I couldn’t sleep for a while because I found one… Get this… In our bedroom! The other one was actually on the front porch. I saw it running towards the door and then it hit my bug spray barrier and died right before my eyes. I let it sit out there for a while and then one day I was looking at it and I thought to myself, “Wow that really looks like a black widow”. So I turned it over with a stick and it had the absolute telltale red hourglass on its stomach. Then I thought about how a few days before I had vacuumed up a big black spider with a huge butt that looked exactly like that one! In shock I realized that the other black spider in my room was a black widow too! I hope hope hope there’s no more!

2.) B got a lateral promotion and is now working normal hours Monday through Friday (instead of the night shift Sunday through Wednesday). At first I kind of had mixed feelings about it because who was going to take me to the pool?! But I decided that I could ride the bus. I was anxious about that at first but once I started doing it, it’s become really easy and actually kind of nice to have the independence to get out on my own. Sometimes getting over fears is just making yourself do them once and then you realize that you can do it. I like having him home to put to eat dinner with and it’s nice to feel like normal adults with a normal schedule. I was turning to get so scared being home alone at night and now it’s nice to just have someone here. Not scared like about a burglar or any thing but scared of my mind and of myself and having to be alone. So this is working out really well and I like it. I’m thankful for it and I’m thankful that he’s doing so well at work and is being recognized for the good job he does.

3.) Our wedding is in six weeks! I finally got an officiant last week, really was behind on that one! I keep thinking more and more about how I wish we could elope and have a private ceremony. But it’s too late for that now and at least B is excited about how we are doing it. My mom is driving me nuts about everything. I am going for my first dress fitting tomorrow. Kind of scared because I feel like I didn’t get the dress I really wanted. I was just rushed, and I hope when I see it I at least feel okay about it. I am excited to get my hair and makeup done. And I know the dress will look great.
l want to start devoting some of the afternoon to writing every day. I want to just stop worrying about how I don’t work, after all these years (sorry I’m crying now). I get so discouraged with trying to apply for jobs and trying to struggle with this nerve disorder that causes me so many limitations with the level of disability it brings. I am SO ready to just do something but every time I think of what I would want to do I think about how it would be so hard for me with my body being like this and I just give up. I should just focus on what I can do for now and then just pick something and go with it. Come on, I can do it. At this one to be proud of myself for being brave.

Do you have any scary spider stories?

Random, but yes I realize I use commas appropriately. Who cares. This is all blog, and that’s how my thoughts run.

Hi

Wonderful smell of the Spring flowers wafting in my window right now. I DESPERATELY want and need and will start enjoying this Spring and living my life again.

I was doing so good when we first moved here not binging but then I got in a bad pattern again. Why is it so hard to get out of? I just want to be strong like I used to be fall 2009 when I was in my DBT class and actually used my skills and felt present again, despite the hard things. I just want to give that a chance and make it the most important thing and give myself someone slack.

I just want to start over tomorrow but I feel so gross. I keep getting off track with my swimming which I know is the most important thing for me.

Last weekend we went to San Diego to see my parents who were there on vacation for the weekend. I was so fun and it was also a little stressful but I did so well and ate so healthy and felt good when we came home, only to let the restlessness descend on me again. I wish I could show pictures! Something is wrong with my camera where it won’t upload the photos onto any of our THREE laptops.

Source: http://www.iucn.org/wgwap/picture_gallery/

This isn’t my picture, but I saw this!

Anyway though, I went on lots of little walks and spent time outside. The weather was beautiful! We went to Balboa Park on Friday and then on Saturday morning we went whale watching and I actually saw a gray whale! Well, we actually saw THREE whales! Also a ton of dolphins (both bottlenose and the common dolphin), and sea lions (my favorite).

Any tips for getting out of a funk/hole like this? I’m so frustrated. I just want to do better. Right now I’m challenging myself to no binging +behaviors for the next 5 days. Just five days. Then I know I will have momentum again and feel well again to keep going. Tomorrow, Wednesday, will be the hardest day. Maybe Thursday too. I just want to put this challenge out there. Any encouragement to start out fresh tomorrow morning and keep my chin up would help me. I don’t ask for help much but I need somebody, anybody, to encourage me.

Have you ever seen a whale? What is the coolest animal you’ve ever seen in the wild? I think for me it would be a mother moose and her calf in Rocky Mountain National Park when I was a 12 or so. It was so amazing.

At the beginning…

Moved In

Hi everyone.

Well, we are all moved in. Last week at the beginning it was quite an adjustment for me. Don’t feel that the landlord cleaned properly so I had to spend literally days of hours and hours of cleaning. Sort of like the politics, especially ants, getting into the house. I was really frustrated about some holes in the floor boards and gap in the sliding glass doors not sealing properly. Fortunately my dad is a carpenter and now owns his own hardware store, so I grew up being able to do these handy things and am hoping to be able to caulk the floorboards, etc, myself.

I was going to write a post about the crisis a few days ago but now I’m feeling more comfortable, at least until the summer when there are hints outside. I am just going to spray all the parameters with pump products. This townhouse is just a little older than our last apartment but it’s still nice and I love the landscaping around here and being able to have two floors. Feels like we actually have a house together now! I am liking it overall. Plus this is just going to force me to clean really well, which will keep me busy and that will be nice. I made a good cleaning schedule!

On Tuesday I wrote an e-mail to the landlord, kind of angry because the place wasn’t nasty but it obviously wasn’t cleaned to meet standards i.e. the toilets were dirty, there was toothpaste in the sinks, and some crumbs in the fridge, etc. Is just crazy because if you rent with an apartment company (ie. Not private landlord), you have to clean SO much when you move out, all those little things, or they’ll charge you. I spent a whole day cleaning our two-bedroom apartment before we moved out. Now that I look back on it, it’s really not that big of a deal and I wish I would have only written about the few maintenance issues in my e-mail, because now I feel like it’s kind of backfiring on me. That’s really stressing me out today. It’s just a hard line for me to walk between standing up for myself and being kind of passive-aggressive. I tried really hard to be nice in my e-mail and just explain, I guess it wasn’t a good idea? At the time it felt really relieving though, to just express my feelings. I guess I will call him today and explained that it’s all okay now, I just need the faucet fixed in the kitchen sink. I have just had bad experiences with private landlords in the past, so I was kind of wary. I just hope I didn’t start everything off on the wrong foot. So far though, I’m glad that we moved here now.

I am, as always, struggling with shame all the time. I feel like it really affects B and my relationship.

However, I am feeling so much more comfortable around eating, and a lot more peace with myself lately. And strength since moving in here, like I know what I want. I’m also super enjoying the flowers here and the wonderful smell of them blowing into the living room from the sliding glass door when I leave it open. I nerve pain in my feet is feeling so much better lately, knock on wood. I’m wondering if it’s from the acupuncture treatment I had: that means I should probably go back.

I’m so happy that it’s Spring!

These are like the flowers outside!

Man is fond of counting his troubles, but he does not count his joys.  If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it.   – Fyodor Dostoevsky

The Oscar Post

Oh, I loved watching the Oscars last night. I especially love seeing all the dresses! I did well yesterday and felt really strong.

I need to remember to use my DBT skills, especially just moving with the action urge for each emotion and remembering that’s okay. I also want to work on not thinking about food so much! There’s no reason to think about it right now. I have a lot to do right now because we are moving and I really, really just need to take advantage of that because I love being busy and it’s a great opportunity to do well.

Here were my favorite dresses!

Bernice Bejo

Excuse me, BERENICE Bejo, to spell her name correctly. I was SO surprised that this dress got some bad reviews! I thought it was gorgeous.

Jessica Chastain ---> I think she looks the most beautiful of anyone with her hair and the whole look

Viola Davis

Octavia Spencer

Gwyenth Paltrow (aka GODDESS) ---> I loved her dress without the cape

There you go, my five faves.