Feeling like my true self

When I don’t drink, I feel like my true self. The world is good and bright. And I can make smart decisions on how to feel my best. I feel good when I wake up every morning. My brain slowly gets more and more positive and can deal with situations better and better. Using positive coping skills is all about practice.

I did GREAT for three days. Three sober days. Can’t wait to have that feeling back tonight and tomorrow morning and forever!

Yesterday had a bit of a slip-up. But never again! I just need to analyze it….After a very busy day, I came home exhausted and hungry and drained. What should I have done instead of having a glass of wine and then binge-eating?

I should have chugged an entire can of club soda, took some Valerian (an herb that really helps me), put my feet up, took a few deep breaths, read the books to my son, then watched my movie with my earphones while he watched his, then ate a proper dinner – dinner part was hard because it wasn’t planned out but I could have thought of something and plated a balanced meal. Then taken my medicine and just relaxed my brain not worrying about being perfect until bedtime. Next time I will do all this. I promise. Love you, self.

Game plan today: Exercise, fast until dinner because I am SO full after binge eating before bed, have a healthy dinner, don’t drink, drink some Valerian tea, and go to bed. And know I will never drink again and thus never have to feel this shit feeling again! That makes me smile. I feel RELIEF. Tomorrow is my birthday and it is going to be the best, SOBER, self-love, HOT BODY confident, TRUE-SELF year!

I am Now a Sober Mom

It’s been a long time to write on this blog!

I now live in Hong Kong and have a child, such a great life. Dream come true on both counts. And I have a wonderful husband too!

However I have to add that I now struggle with a drinking problem which is literally the ONLY bad thing in my life. So I have decided to give it up. COMPLETELY AND FOREVER. I recovered from many,many years of having an eating disorder, did really well for awhile, then picked up drinking after not being much of a drinker at all previously. Now I drink most days and often have bulimic episodes because of that. Never have eating disorder problems if I am not drinking. In fact if I am not drinking I feel happy and like I am in the best place I’ve ever been in in my whole life. Sounds like an easy decision, right??

Read “This Naked Mind” by Annie Grace. Alcohol is a lie to each and every one of us, pushed by society and marketing. It never makes any day or situation better.

My main reason I haven’t been able to quit is because I hate being told I can’t have something. And because I am afraid of myself and my own emotions. But guess what – I DO know how to handle my own emotions in a healthy way! AND I just have to focus on that it’s MY choice to give up alcohol, I don’t want society and other people telling me I have to have it in my life any more! I am thinking of it that way instead. I am independent and enlightened compared to them. SO I will make the right decision to not drink, for my son especially. AND FOR ME. Because I DESERVE TO NOT DRINK!

Doing ONE thing (not drinking) = the life I have always dreamed of! Such a simple choice.

I will document my journey on this blog.

I will write every day. I’m sure it will be repetitive. That’s how our brains work when we re-train them. We have to repeat and practice over and over.

I JUST need to get through another Day 1 today and then it gets easier. I will wake up tomorrow feeling SO GREAT and proud and know I can keep going after that. I am not missing anything by drinking – okay I am missing half an hour of feeling fun but then OVER 24 hours of feeling sad, ashamed, out of control, fearful, and negative. Does that sound worth it? NO IT IS NOT> the answer to “should I drink?” is NO every time if I play out that thought to how I will feel at bedtime even. I won’t let this steal away the life of my dreams I have created after so many years of struggle. GOODBYE ALCOHOL!


I have another (travel) blog if you are interested in that instead called teaandlace.wordpress.com.


Les Chiens: A Love Affair


The pug on the left in the above picture is mine. My baby.

If someone were to ask my husband or one of my family members to name the top few things that define me, they would say that I love reading, that I love learning, that I love exercising, and that I love DOGS! They might mention dogs first, honestly.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve loved animals, especially dogs. I don’t really know why exactly. When I think about it, I think I love them most for their loyalty and the absolute love they give us. Also for the humor they bring to our lives. People say dogs relieve stress and anxiety. I don’t really believe that. All of the dogs I’ve ever had have added some amount of stress to my life, getting into trouble, being a responsibility when I have other things I want to do. However, people also say it that dogs relieve depression. That one I truly believe. They make me laugh. I love to take them on walks, which gets me outside and makes me happy. My dog cuddles me, truly believes I’m his mom, and follows me around everywhere. He eases my loneliness. Most importantly, he loves me unconditionally. He is my companion. He gets me a reason to keep going because I have to take care of him.

I believe that we, as humans, have a responsibility to take care of the other creatures that share planet Earth with us.

I’ve always believed this. I’m finally putting it into practice by buying only cage-free eggs, and trying almost always to buy organic chicken and organic beef. I believe it’s okay to do these things one at a time. Something is better than nothing.  Eventually, I want to move to also buying organic pork (which is for some reason hard to find – right now I just don’t eat a lot of it, but my husband does) and organic cheese/dairy products. Finally, after that, someday, organic fruit and vegetables. The real barrier to this is the cost. Hence the reason I’m doing it one at a time.

Helping animals gives me a real meaning to my life. The first dog I had that was my own (ie. not the family dog) was a Basset hound I got in college from an animal shelter. Boy was he a handful! But he became very beloved by my whole family. We still tell stories about him and his antics every time we get together. My mom was very supportive of me getting my own dog in college. I think because she knew it would help my depression. And it did. Ironically, my dad was very against it, saying he knew that eventually the dog would end up at my parents’ house (which he did when I moved to Tennessee!), yet my dad ended up being the dog’s biggest fan! They loved each other. Unfortunately, my Basset passed away in 2010, at the age of only five years old, from lymphoma. That was very hard, especially since it occurred during my husband’s deployment to Afghanistan. When we put him to sleep, my dad cried, and he will still tear up whenever we talk about the Basset.

When my husband was deployed, I began working with a Golden Retriever rescue in Denver. I actually became right away the transportation volunteer coordinator. This group rescued breeder dogs from the Midwest, most of whom were kept in terrible conditions and then abandoned once they became too old to produce puppies. I would coordinate the transportation of these dogs to the Denver area, and then to their foster homes and veterinary appointments. Through this group, my mom adopted two golden retrievers that I picked out. They are the sweetest dogs. When they came to us, they were very damaged, too scared to even go outside, especially when it was windy. It is extremely gratifying to see them now. They will stay outside by themselves, wrestle each other in the grass, and just generally seem so happy and rehabilitated. I especially love the first one we got my mom adopted, because she was my companion after my Bassett died and while my husband was deployed. She still remembers me whenever I go home. She’s such a sweet girl. I did all of my work with the dog rescue remotely from home from home, calling and e-mailing to set up the transportation from a pool of volunteers. I would also make adoption packet and do paperwork, etc. I didn’t work and was home alone at my parents’ house all day, and I probably spent 15+ hours a week on this volunteer work. It was so good for me.

I am planning, soon, to start volunteering with the animal shelter here. That’s going to be hard for me, but worth it. The nice thing about working with the dog rescue is that they were all in foster homes, and you knew they were never going to be euthanized. At the animal shelter, that will not be the case, but I’m hoping to work with socializing the dogs, and getting them out of their cages for playtime. A very worthwhile endeavor.

My pug that we have now, we got as a puppy in June 2011. I am more about rescuing dogs than buying puppies, but everybody’s got to have a couple puppies in their lifetime! The reason we chose to get a puppy (which I made sure was from a reputable breeder), was because of my nerve disorder. Buying a puppy enabled me to train it to heel, etc. while it was still small. My pug is so special to me because he is something I share with my husband, and with him we feel like a little family.

Anyway, I need to get working on volunteering at that animal shelter, filling out the application and going to the orientation!

Besides that, right now I am becoming content with being a housewife, until I get better, especially because my husband and I have some exciting things coming up that will take up a lot of my time!

Well, that some of my dog history. It’s definitely springtime here in Southern California. I pulled a muscle in my neck somehow yesterday, so it’s really hurting and stiff, so I don’t know if I’ll be able to go swimming today, but I am going to do a lot of cleaning and go to the pharmacy.

If you are a dog lover, tell me why and tell me about your dog!


1.)    In February, we spent the first two weekends of the month in San Diego. From February 8-10, my dad and my youngest sister were there so we went down to see them. Then from February 15-17, B and I went down again for Valentine’s Day. That Saturday we visited San Diego’s Mission de Alcala, the oldest mission in California. It was beautiful and I definitely recommend visiting. On Sunday, B took me to the ballet in downtown San Diego as my Valentine’s Day present. I think it’s safe to say that neither of us would recommend this ballet. The theater was very tiny and the performance sub par to what I expected. But overall we had a really great weekend together.

Mission San Diego de Alcalá

2.)    This weekend we just went to the dog park and then put an offer in for a house we looked at yesterday. It’s definitely, of all the houses we looked at so far, the one that fits us the best.

3.)    I am feeling okay, but still not great due to a lot of changes with my medications, and trying to get off one of them. 😦 It’s really hard.

4.)    However, I am planning to take a French class again soon at a French language school. And I am so excited to say that I have started planning a trip to go to France with my mom in 2014!!! She has never been to Europe so I’m very excited to take her and show her around. 🙂


Oscars 2013 Best Dressed

Amanda Seyfried

Amanda Seyfried

oscar5 oscar9

I enjoyed the Oscars last night. My two picks for best dressed are Amanda Seyfried (in both her outfits) and Naomi Watts (same). I also thought Sally Field looked beautiful.



credit: nbc news

credit: nbc news

Some other dresses I enjoyed: Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Lawrence, Kerry Washington, Zoe Saldana, and Amy Adams’ after-party dress. I loved all of the late 120’s/1930’s looks this year (Amy Adams’ second dress is one great example).

oscar15 oscar12 oscar11 oscar14 oscar6credit: nbc news


I liked Anne Hathway’s after-party dress but not her first dress.

I still haven’t seen any of the movies, but I am hoping to see Silver Linings Playbook, Les Mis, and Lincoln soon!

Sharing My Story

Why I am sad… Why I am frustrated…

Some of my story:

3.5 years ago I developed multiple nerve entrapment syndromes and mono neuritis multiplex seemingly out of the blue. I went from being a former collegiate athlete and a daily runner to not being able to walk more than a couple of blocks, limping to the bathroom, not being able to lift weights or do sit-ups or any other exercise, and having trouble using a computer or doing fine movements with my hands. Fortunately, after many years of rest and carefully listening to my body, I can now walk for about 10 min. and swim using only my arms for about 20 min 4-5 days a week. I have a dictation program that helps me write posts such as this by talking to the computer.

Prior to developing the nerve disorder, I had for years had trouble with feeling extremely fatigued and dizzy after eating. I now know this is due to postprandial hypotension and reactive hypoglycemia. My neurologist thinks they have a genetically hypersensitive nervous system and trouble with my autonomic control mechanisms. However, not knowing this at the time, I would often avoid eating because I couldn’t get through my workday when I felt so exhausted (I worked in a clinical laboratory where I ran blood tests that required a lot of concentration).

Now a confession: when the nerve disorder hit, I developed full-fledged bulimia to deal with it. After years of binging and purging, I began to heal three months ago. Unfortunately, the bulimia only intensified the reactive hypoglycemia (which I was officially diagnosed through laboratory testing in early January), and it is now completely controlling and ruining my life. I learned to deal with the nerve disorder. I have not learned to deal with this reactive hypoglycemia, despite all of the positive changes I have made to my diet – no sugar, no simple carbs, higher protein, eating every three hours, and eating as many nutritious foods and balanced meals as I can.

Even now that I feel so much more healed from my eating disorder, I feel increasingly depressed and desperate about my general health. I am terrified that I’ve ruined my body forever and that I’m destined to deal with daily blood sugar crashes, brain fog, and panic attacks. It is hard to accept that there is absolutely no leeway in my diet to not follow a strict regimen. But it’s worth it to me to not have to experience those crashes which are hell on earth. I developed this disordered eating not as a technique for weight loss, but as a way to deal with how food feels like poison to me because it makes me feel so terrible. However, since my reduced activity level, I have definitely re-developed body image issues as well that I struggled with in high school and college.

Recently I had to make a choice to enter an eating disorder program for formality’s sake just so I can see a dietitian and an MD specializing in eating disorders. The intake therapist did not think my condition warranted entering the intensive outpatient program since I have not binged and purged in three months, am eating regular meals, get my period, and my heart/electrolytes/other stuff like that are fine, but I will be technically be part of the eating disorder department of my HMO. This means that I will have to give up my current psychiatrist that I finally found and that I so love working with. But hopefully I can go back to her in 1-2 months. I am very scared to give her up, but I am so desperate for help.

I just wanted to talk about today what is going on with me. I am trying to keep faith in God, but it’s getting really hard. I thought that when I started eating so well I would feel better, but I probably feel only 5% better. Maybe the dietitian can help me see what else I am still doing wrong. Even without the bulimia, I was so depressed about my nerve disorder that my diet was absolutely horrible, I would only eat sugar, crackers, etc. -stuff that made me feel soothed. Our bodies are not meant to eat like that. Although I am at the bottom of the healthy BMI range, my insulin control system is messed up as if I were an obese person. At first I was having fun eating more healthy foods and planning my meals, but in the last few days I randomly started feeling horrible again and I feel like I’ve given up. It’s going to be hard to get back on the wagon, but what else can I do?

So I might become one of those blogs, those that I hate, documenting my meals to keep myself motivated. I am not unique. My body needs proper nutrition. I am not some superhuman that survive eating whatever I want. I have to just accept this and move on. Something was wrong with my body to start out with because these problems developed even when I was at a healthy weight and eating much better, but my negative food coping mechanisms drove me into the ground.

Oh guys, any support would be so much appreciated.

I have a combined RD/MD appointment on February 20. I’m going to call today to tell the intake therapist that I’m going to officially enter the program. I am so motivated to get my life back. Nothing will stop me from trying. But I’m so sad because I’m losing faith that it will ever happen.

So sorry for such a depressing post. I just felt like sharing my heart today.

I hope any readers are doing well and God bless all of you.

Golden Globes 2013 Best Dressed

I watched the Golden Globes awards last night – I love to see the fashions, even though I am starting to think the GG’s sort of undermine the Oscars because all the same people win in both ceremonies.

Here are my best-dressed from last night:

Kate Hudson, as always

Katie Hudson, credit:people.com

Katie Hudson, credit:people.com

Jennifer Garner: her and Ben Affleck are SO CUTE

Jennifer Garner, people.com

Jennifer Garner, people.com

Jennifer Lawrence and Jessica Alba: although I’m not sure why Jessica Alba was even there…she’s always there

Jennifer Lawrence, Jessica Alba, people.com

Jennifer Lawrence, Jessica Alba, people.com

Amanda Seyfried and Michelle Dockery

Amanda Seyfried, Michelle Dockery, people.com

Amanda Seyfried, Michelle Dockery, people.com

Taylor Swift: Yay! She is finally rocking some grown up style lately and she looks gorgeous.

Taylor Swift; people.com

Taylor Swift; people.com

Eddie Redmayne: I just love him, don’t know why.

Okay, I just love Eddie Redmayne

Okay, I just love Eddie Redmayne

Amanda Seyfried, again, because she’s so cute

Amanda Seyfried in Givenchy

Amanda Seyfried in Givenchy

I really want to see Les Mis, Lincoln, and Silver Linings Playbook before the Oscars!

Have you seen any of the Oscar best picture contenders? Any recommendations?

Spiritual Resolutions on the Epiphany

I decided what my non-traditional (I say that because it’s not health or self-improvement related, not directly…although it definitely is indirectly) resolution is this year: TO GO TO CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY UNLESS I AM OUT OF TOWN.

I went last Sunday, January 6th, on the Epiphany and it was wonderful. I went by myself since B was out of town but this weekend we are going together (I was shocked when he said he was excited to go with me – see, he’s an agnostic at best. 😉 ). I am just trying to be really faith-centered this year. It feels so good to have a resolution that I am excited about and that is totally attainable. I am excited for church this Sunday, it brings me such strength.

Cool things:

  • I finished “Fall of Giants” AND Catherine Cookson’s “The Glass Virgin” and now I am reading her book “The Black Velvet Gown”. ON track with my reading goal! I am also trying to watch way less TV (and succeeding).
  • Except I am going to watch Downton Abbey today!
  • What do you think of the Duchess of Cambridge’s official portrait? I think the artist is great but he didn’t do her justice at all!
  • I decided that by two years from this summer, I am going to be in France again! So by 2015.
  • I’ve been studying my French every day again. BRINGS ME JOY!
  • I have so many motivators to get healthy for and I am DETERMINED.

Have a great weekend everyone! We are doing more house hunting, going to the gym, and going clothes shopping (a rare occurrence and one that I am very excited for)! I love GUESS!


Good Luck

I read 33 books in 2012. Please note for the sake of my pride that this includes 8 books that were over 1000 pages.

Goal for 2013 is to read 40.

Right now I’m reading:

fall_of_giants_us_2010It’s amazing! Love Ken Follett’s books.


I made Hoppin’ John last night for New Year’s good luck. If you don’t know, Hoppin’ John is a dish made with black-eyed peas that is traditionally eaten in the South for good luck in the new year. I based mine off of two recipes: one from Woman’s Day magazine and one by Emeril Lagasse from foodnetwork.com. Hoppin’ John is made with black eyed peas, ham hock, collard greens, onions, etc. and served over rice. Instead of the ham hock, I served it with sausage. I wanted to add sautéed spinach, but I forgot. I did use sautéed celery, and totally eliminated the onion and garlic because those are the two foods I hate the most! To the black-eyed peas, I added salt, pepper, and cayenne. Once we served it up, we added Tabasco sauce. I had never made black-eyed peas before. Actually, I only tried them for the first time a few weeks ago in a frozen Amy’s meal. They are delicious and also very nutritious. One cup of black-eyed peas contains 20% of your daily value of iron, 11 g of protein, and 5 g of fiber.

Some other good luck New Year’s foods:

  • In many parts of Asia, people eat long noodles New Year’s. They are supposed to symbolize a long life.
  • In South America, they eat pork on New Year’s Day. Pigs are thought to be industrious, and this symbolizes ambition and prosperity.
  • In Italy, they eat lentils. Their coin-like appearance symbolizes wealth and prosperity.
  • A lot of areas eat sea food, which symbolizes abundance.

I am going to make it a tradition to make a good luck food every year on New Year’s Day.

I’m drinking my green smoothie right now! 1/4 avocado, 1/4-1/2 of a green apple,  2 cups spinach, filtered water, squeeze of lemon. My goal is to drink one at least 5/7 days a week. If I miss one of those days, I have to eat at least 2 cups of spinach in salad form or in other dishes.

What are you reading right now?

Do you have a New Year’s food tradition? *My parents always make seafood on New Year’s Eve.* And my dad made pork green chile yesterday.