My dog is being crazy right now. He is still such a puppy at eight months old. He just runs around the apartment looking for trouble. He is seriously the cutest pug I have ever seen. 😉
As you know, I get really bored around here, which is really difficult to deal with and triggers a lot of emotions. But I am working on some things that I’m excited about. I didn’t go to volunteer today and I didn’t last week. I started getting really stressed out by riding the bus and got frustrated because I don’t feel like I do much there. I pretty much just watch and observe most of the time and I wish I had more tutoring time.
However, I am really working on several things to plan for my future that finally seem attainable. I don’t know why but I just like to keep that kind of stuff to myself; it makes me less anxious that way. Right now I am trying to busy myself with some things around here. I enjoy cooking dinners for B and planning menus. I do the cleaning and the laundry, I really need to clean the bathrooms today.
My two main projects are wedding planning and crafting, specifically making homemade cards. I have to reiterate over and over to myself that they are purposeful tasks.
My future mother-in-law recently gave to me a Cricut die-cut machine, which was really nice of her and is really awesome. She also gave me quite a few papers and I bought a few more last weekend. Without her help I wouldn’t have gotten to get started crafting again because all of that stuff gets so expensive!
To add purpose to this activity that I enjoy, I offered to make Christmas cards for my mom this year. I made them last year also when I lived with my parents. In previous years my mom has enjoyed making them herself, but now she works full-time, often 50 hours a week, and really just doesn’t have time for it. So it really feels like I am helping her out and doing something I enjoy at the same time.
So when things get hard tonight, I plan to watch my shows and really focus on that, and alternate cleaning. I really need to make a lot of phone calls tomorrow morning but I can’t really do that tonight. So I just have to put that out of my mind for now and focus on these tasks that I can do. Staying strong is the most important thing.
Some things you must read that I am thinking a lot about:
- Rachel Wilkerson (LOVE her blog!) and how she stopped formal workouts without becoming unhealthy. I have some interesting thoughts on why this works for a lot of people and how not worrying so much about formal exercise helps me in dealing with my nerve disorder. I really thought about this after I read her post. It’s something that I have gradually come to feeling more comfortable with. The thing is, I LOVE LOVE LOVE to exercise, no joke. But I also realize that using exercise as my only coping skill for my anxiety has been too hard on my body in the past. And also, now that I can’t do that much formal exercise, I feel upset about it all the time in the sense that I miss something I love, but I also worry all the time that the limitations will affect my body and that affects my body image and leads to problems and worries about that. So over the years and months since the onset of my nerve disorder, I have had to come to see how much activity you can get in a day bustling around cleaning and stuff, and also that my gentle workouts are good for me and that they are enough, they don’t mean I am lazy or even unhealthy. My swims and short walks are what are right for me right now. I love them and I want to enjoy them. I just like that word gentle. I do wish I could work out harder a lot, but it’s not terrible what I can do, it’s good for me. And I listen to myself.
- And even better, her post on how much healthier she is doing since she gave up feeling guilty about every little thing (her “sorry, I’m not sorry” attitude). I have been thinking about this a lot, how much better I would do if I just OWNED my own life, gave up worrying so much about others for things that really don’t matter to the detriment of myself. I really focused on doing this today, and it really helped. NEED to continue that mindset.
Today, we went on a drive to Mt. Baldy in the San Gabriel Mountains. Again, SO refreshing, and got me out of my funk today and really saved me. I just loved the smell of the pine needles and the mountain air, and thought of home in Colorado and how the mountains are such a part of me, in my bones. I felt ALIVE again, that feeling I covet so much.
Then we took Ralph to the dog park, our first time there, and that made me SO happy too. He had so much fun!
How do you conquer guilt? Is it a problem for you? It invades my life every day.
When was the last time you breathed that fresh mountain air?
Well, this week was really hard, coming back from the 4th in Seattle (we were really outside the city most of the time at a lake house). We actually went down to San Diego to see my family last night – just for a night (they were on vacation there). That was really nice. They got to meet Ralph! I saw my youngest sister and my parents. The middle sister left the night before to go to Montana to see my cousins. I thought that was interesting… As of about a month ago, she wasn’t planning on doing that, so I can’t help wondering if it is because of me. (We haven’t spoken since February.) She also avoided coming over to my parents’ house when we were in Denver in early June to look at wedding venues and for our engagement party. That was okay, I wasn’t ready to see her then, but I was all ready to see her in San Diego and didn’t feel weird about it anymore. I didn’t know she wasn’t going to be there. Oh well…as I just told B, she can’t avoid me forever; I will have to see her around the holidays.
Anyway, San Diego is such a beautiful place. I have been there so many times, but I was able to look at it with fresh eyes this time.
Do you get the post-vacation blues? I have ALWAYS noticed that I have a really hard time after a trip. I don’t think it’s so much the ‘blues’ in the sense that that term means (where you are bummed that the awesome trip is over and you have to come home and work). Well, I guess it IS that, but it is more too. Like I just have A LOT of trouble re-adjusting to the routine I have at home, and wondering, especially this time, “where do I go from here?” I think that I am so much busier on trips and don’t have to think so much because I am around people. And I like that.
Then I come home and I have nothing to do again. This time I got (am) so overwhelmed with anxiety about how to adjust back and where to go next with my life, and so afraid of the boredom again and of worrying that I will never get anywhere. Just so frustrated.
To compound that, it’s hot here. Which I don’t mind the heat. I just HATE having to have the windows closed and the AC on. I just have always hated not being able to get fresh air. I literally start to feel dizzy and so agitated. I can’t think clearly. It’s weird. I don’t know if anyone else ever experiences that, but I do. I have been freaking out all day. I don’t feel alive like that. Sounds like a stupid complaint but it really triggers and affects me for some reason. Anyway, I feel a little better tonight because B said we can open the windows at night when it cools off. Yay! Okay, sorry, I just had to get that out.
I also feel a little better that I made a plan for my days for the rest of the summer. Like do this, do that, do this, do that. Maybe I will share tomorrow… 😉 I like to make schedules. It’s comforting.
How do you deal with this AC thing? What about when businesses turn it up so much that it’s TOO cold inside so you have to bring a sweater even though it’s 96* outside?!
Wish I could show SO many pictures. Sometimes I debate showing my face on this blog. But I say too many personal things I think…