Sharing My Story

Why I am sad… Why I am frustrated…

Some of my story:

3.5 years ago I developed multiple nerve entrapment syndromes and mono neuritis multiplex seemingly out of the blue. I went from being a former collegiate athlete and a daily runner to not being able to walk more than a couple of blocks, limping to the bathroom, not being able to lift weights or do sit-ups or any other exercise, and having trouble using a computer or doing fine movements with my hands. Fortunately, after many years of rest and carefully listening to my body, I can now walk for about 10 min. and swim using only my arms for about 20 min 4-5 days a week. I have a dictation program that helps me write posts such as this by talking to the computer.

Prior to developing the nerve disorder, I had for years had trouble with feeling extremely fatigued and dizzy after eating. I now know this is due to postprandial hypotension and reactive hypoglycemia. My neurologist thinks they have a genetically hypersensitive nervous system and trouble with my autonomic control mechanisms. However, not knowing this at the time, I would often avoid eating because I couldn’t get through my workday when I felt so exhausted (I worked in a clinical laboratory where I ran blood tests that required a lot of concentration).

Now a confession: when the nerve disorder hit, I developed full-fledged bulimia to deal with it. After years of binging and purging, I began to heal three months ago. Unfortunately, the bulimia only intensified the reactive hypoglycemia (which I was officially diagnosed through laboratory testing in early January), and it is now completely controlling and ruining my life. I learned to deal with the nerve disorder. I have not learned to deal with this reactive hypoglycemia, despite all of the positive changes I have made to my diet – no sugar, no simple carbs, higher protein, eating every three hours, and eating as many nutritious foods and balanced meals as I can.

Even now that I feel so much more healed from my eating disorder, I feel increasingly depressed and desperate about my general health. I am terrified that I’ve ruined my body forever and that I’m destined to deal with daily blood sugar crashes, brain fog, and panic attacks. It is hard to accept that there is absolutely no leeway in my diet to not follow a strict regimen. But it’s worth it to me to not have to experience those crashes which are hell on earth. I developed this disordered eating not as a technique for weight loss, but as a way to deal with how food feels like poison to me because it makes me feel so terrible. However, since my reduced activity level, I have definitely re-developed body image issues as well that I struggled with in high school and college.

Recently I had to make a choice to enter an eating disorder program for formality’s sake just so I can see a dietitian and an MD specializing in eating disorders. The intake therapist did not think my condition warranted entering the intensive outpatient program since I have not binged and purged in three months, am eating regular meals, get my period, and my heart/electrolytes/other stuff like that are fine, but I will be technically be part of the eating disorder department of my HMO. This means that I will have to give up my current psychiatrist that I finally found and that I so love working with. But hopefully I can go back to her in 1-2 months. I am very scared to give her up, but I am so desperate for help.

I just wanted to talk about today what is going on with me. I am trying to keep faith in God, but it’s getting really hard. I thought that when I started eating so well I would feel better, but I probably feel only 5% better. Maybe the dietitian can help me see what else I am still doing wrong. Even without the bulimia, I was so depressed about my nerve disorder that my diet was absolutely horrible, I would only eat sugar, crackers, etc. -stuff that made me feel soothed. Our bodies are not meant to eat like that. Although I am at the bottom of the healthy BMI range, my insulin control system is messed up as if I were an obese person. At first I was having fun eating more healthy foods and planning my meals, but in the last few days I randomly started feeling horrible again and I feel like I’ve given up. It’s going to be hard to get back on the wagon, but what else can I do?

So I might become one of those blogs, those that I hate, documenting my meals to keep myself motivated. I am not unique. My body needs proper nutrition. I am not some superhuman that survive eating whatever I want. I have to just accept this and move on. Something was wrong with my body to start out with because these problems developed even when I was at a healthy weight and eating much better, but my negative food coping mechanisms drove me into the ground.

Oh guys, any support would be so much appreciated.

I have a combined RD/MD appointment on February 20. I’m going to call today to tell the intake therapist that I’m going to officially enter the program. I am so motivated to get my life back. Nothing will stop me from trying. But I’m so sad because I’m losing faith that it will ever happen.

So sorry for such a depressing post. I just felt like sharing my heart today.

I hope any readers are doing well and God bless all of you.

Twitter

I just want to watch TOWIE and 2/4 of the episodes I downloaded today aren’t working so I got stuck on episode 4 of season 3! I’m really ready to get into it again. Argh! On the positive side, Mick Norcross from the show replied to one of my tweets and that made my night! I am such a dork but twitter (which I just joined a few weeks ago) is so fun. I have had three stars reply too me (such nice replies too) and have gotten one of my tweets on Oprah’s network web page. It’s a crazy connection to everyone. I was so against twitter forever but now I see the appeal. Haha! I am such a dork. I DON’T use to interact with people in my real life; they don’t even know my twitter name (I don’t think any of them use it anyway), I just use it to follow the stars (I have a celebrity gossip addiction). Anyone who blogs who actually follows me things I am so annoying, I’m sure. That was bugging me for awhile, but now I decided I don’t care, because Mick Norcross tweeting me to have a good day is worth it! I can also see how it could be a really valuable marketing tool (which I am planning on utilizing for our business we are in the early stages of – with a different name for the business of course).

I have business cards for that now. It’s CRAZY! It doesn’t feel real yet though, we have only just begun all the brainstorming and research, etc. Although we also have a logo and website up now. Can’t tell anyone anything yet though! 😉

You know what’s really funny, I met a guy from Essex in San Diego this weekend. B kept teasing me that he was going to reveal my obsession with the show but I wouldn’t let him…that would have been very embarrassing.

I am super super frustrated with binge-eating. I just feel so discouraged, hopeless, scared of myself, don’t see how I will ever beat it. 😦 Very sad today. I just want to lay in bed forever. I am scared to wake up tomorrow. I open  my eyes and just want to go back to sleep. It makes me SO sad because I otherwise have a very good life but that problem and my fear just won’t leave. And my nerve disorder won’t leave either, and that just keeps it going.

Fed up

Thank you all for your nice comments regarding the look of my save-the-date cards!

I am having the worst day today though. I am just so angry and frustrated with myself. Disgusted with how I am going about life and how I continue to fail at conquering binge-eating issues. I am just fed up — no pun intended (okay, maybe some, need a little humor). It’s like I get momentum going for a day, staying very strong, and then just crash and burn again. I HATE IT MORE THAN ANYTHING ON THIS EARTH. After a really bad day, I feel so determined to change and feel like I do the right things for awhile. I just want it to stick. I feel SO on the verge of getting over it and really changing. Why can’t I just get over the hump? I don’t understand. I am most angry about how it is taking away my swims. I am only going every other day now and it hurts me. It takes away everything. I don’t want it to take that away anymore. That is a main motivator for me, as is money. The money thing brings up a lot of guilt though, so I am going to focus on the swimming and how I want to be able to go so I have to stay on track. Keeping that at the fore-front of my mind.

I HAVE to change the way I think. I am starting to but I get carried away and can’t breathe so often before I can collect my thoughts.

It’s very rainy in SoCal today. It’s actually kind of nice because I feel cozy and like I can rest.

Also, RIP Steve Jobs. So sad.

Also today I read an article about Adele and the vocal issues she has been having, including two hemorrhages on her vocal chords. I also think this is very sad; singing is obviously her livelihood and passion. Love her music. I almost felt angry at God when reading that; why would he take that away from her? Why do so many bad things happen? I have such oscillating thoughts on God. I think mostly that most of my life I have been so afraid of God, and I hate that feeling. I want to feel comforted. Sometimes I do, but a lot of times thinking of God brings me fear and I wish that wasn’t so. Someday I hope to fix it. Try as I might, I can’t get away from believing in God though, I just always come back to it.

Here’s to hoping for, praying for, HAVING a good weekend. Need three days of strength. At least we have things planned. Swimming motivation.

 

Please…

This will be a depressing post, but I just want to write it anyway.

I am so mad today. I am so stressed about some bills I have, and how one of them went to collections because I couldn’t pay it. Even more maddening is that I paid half of it and the rest is money I don’t even owe; it is an insurance mistake. But the provider wouldn’t let me set up a payment plan and wouldn’t return my calls and now it’s at collections and they bug me 4 times a day. I am trying to get it straightened out this week.

But it will take a long time, and the collections people don’t really care about the insurance thing. They just want their money.

I got so anxious about this yesterday and then I couldn’t sleep. But I woke up today determined to just start tackling this and getting my other financial stuff in order. I started with the latter and made a lot of progress. At some point, I just FREAKED OUT about the collections bill and panicked. I got so angry that it is taking up all my time during my last week at home, when I would rather be reading with my dogs, and enjoying dinner with my parents instead of only talking to them about advice for this.

I kept trying to stop obsessing about it, but I couldn’t. And I finally just messed up and did the thing I am not supposed to do to deal with it. And now I am angry at myself and at the world. And more than that, scared. I just want this to go away, I want to beat it, and I try so hard but sometimes it seems out of my control. That is what I am afraid of. I am afraid of this monster getting me. All the time I am afraid of this. I don’t know what to do today. The more I think about it, and how it is going to ruin this evening with my mom, I get more and more distraught. I am so scared that it will always have control over ME. That I won’t ever be strong enough to do the right things.

I just keep saying out loud, to God or Life or whoever, “Please don’t let it get me anymore.” I hate my panic attacks. I hate when this happens. I am so afraid of my anxiety. I don’t know what to do today. I hope tomorrow is better.

I asked for Life to meet me half-way — give me a few things I NEED to even remotely do well, and then I would do the rest — and it has, mostly (except the job part, I have B back and my own home now). But I am afraid I won’t be able to do my part, even with those stepping stones to give me more happiness in life. I am afraid it will still get me. And then the more afraid I get, the more it makes me even more anxious, and then the thing I am afraid of happens.

I just hope I can do the right things the rest of today and do better tomorrow. I just pray, pray, pray. So many great changes have come into my life lately, why am I still afraid?

I am working on…

I am working on…

  • My application for the Master’s program so I can start in May. My goal is to get the essay done by B’s next visit in 3 weeks. And send it in (totally done) by the end of February. I feel that when he is here and we have our home set up, I will finally be ready to begin and thrive in a program like that.
  • Still plan to apply for some jobs but not worrying about if I don’t get one until March.
  • TRUSTING
  • Being patient: B is so good to me and always there for me. I can honestly say this is the only time, ever, that he has asked me to step up and be there for him, and I am finding the balance with that.
  • Letting it be okay to eat a snack at any time of day I feel like it just because I feel like eating, even if I am not starving. It has been years since I have let that be okay. I know my hunger signals are messed up anyway, and when I stop trying to control it – I just eat the one handful of Amy’s gluten-free grahams and move on instead of bingeing and purging. – YAY!

 

I have done a lot of things wrong, but I have done some things right.

I miss B so much. I need to work on thinking some rational thoughts here! Starting with: I have survived here in this house, alone, missing him, for a whole year…what is really that different now? Can’t I do the same things to help myself as I did before? Can’t I just have faith and do those things and know it will all be okay?

I think I was devastated to come home for so many reasons. 😦 I know it will be okay eventually, but I have a really low tolerance for distress right now. Bipolar disorder and change are not friends. Chronic stress from this whole year and I are not friends. I feel like I can’t handle any more being added on. My nerve disease and I are DEFINITELY not friends – I would really like to go elliptical-ize this off!

Good distractions:

  • Well to start with, I really need my Morland Dynasty books that I won’t have til Friday! But I am still reading, and want to start a new book my mom has tomorrow and finish this current murder mystery (I don’t usually read murder mysteries so it’s kind of weird).
  • I watched this movie last night: “An Education”…it was AWESOME! Have you seen it? I liked how it ended. I love movies that wrap up all nice the way they are supposed to, haha. 😉

  • Talking to my friend Kendra online. She has been with her boyfriend through two deployments so she is wise and gives me good advice. She really helped me today.
  • Having better talks with B.
  • Remembering over and over the ONE thing that makes everything so much worse.
  • Helping doggies today. Including this one. Her name is Maci.