Sharing My Story

Why I am sad… Why I am frustrated…

Some of my story:

3.5 years ago I developed multiple nerve entrapment syndromes and mono neuritis multiplex seemingly out of the blue. I went from being a former collegiate athlete and a daily runner to not being able to walk more than a couple of blocks, limping to the bathroom, not being able to lift weights or do sit-ups or any other exercise, and having trouble using a computer or doing fine movements with my hands. Fortunately, after many years of rest and carefully listening to my body, I can now walk for about 10 min. and swim using only my arms for about 20 min 4-5 days a week. I have a dictation program that helps me write posts such as this by talking to the computer.

Prior to developing the nerve disorder, I had for years had trouble with feeling extremely fatigued and dizzy after eating. I now know this is due to postprandial hypotension and reactive hypoglycemia. My neurologist thinks they have a genetically hypersensitive nervous system and trouble with my autonomic control mechanisms. However, not knowing this at the time, I would often avoid eating because I couldn’t get through my workday when I felt so exhausted (I worked in a clinical laboratory where I ran blood tests that required a lot of concentration).

Now a confession: when the nerve disorder hit, I developed full-fledged bulimia to deal with it. After years of binging and purging, I began to heal three months ago. Unfortunately, the bulimia only intensified the reactive hypoglycemia (which I was officially diagnosed through laboratory testing in early January), and it is now completely controlling and ruining my life. I learned to deal with the nerve disorder. I have not learned to deal with this reactive hypoglycemia, despite all of the positive changes I have made to my diet – no sugar, no simple carbs, higher protein, eating every three hours, and eating as many nutritious foods and balanced meals as I can.

Even now that I feel so much more healed from my eating disorder, I feel increasingly depressed and desperate about my general health. I am terrified that I’ve ruined my body forever and that I’m destined to deal with daily blood sugar crashes, brain fog, and panic attacks. It is hard to accept that there is absolutely no leeway in my diet to not follow a strict regimen. But it’s worth it to me to not have to experience those crashes which are hell on earth. I developed this disordered eating not as a technique for weight loss, but as a way to deal with how food feels like poison to me because it makes me feel so terrible. However, since my reduced activity level, I have definitely re-developed body image issues as well that I struggled with in high school and college.

Recently I had to make a choice to enter an eating disorder program for formality’s sake just so I can see a dietitian and an MD specializing in eating disorders. The intake therapist did not think my condition warranted entering the intensive outpatient program since I have not binged and purged in three months, am eating regular meals, get my period, and my heart/electrolytes/other stuff like that are fine, but I will be technically be part of the eating disorder department of my HMO. This means that I will have to give up my current psychiatrist that I finally found and that I so love working with. But hopefully I can go back to her in 1-2 months. I am very scared to give her up, but I am so desperate for help.

I just wanted to talk about today what is going on with me. I am trying to keep faith in God, but it’s getting really hard. I thought that when I started eating so well I would feel better, but I probably feel only 5% better. Maybe the dietitian can help me see what else I am still doing wrong. Even without the bulimia, I was so depressed about my nerve disorder that my diet was absolutely horrible, I would only eat sugar, crackers, etc. -stuff that made me feel soothed. Our bodies are not meant to eat like that. Although I am at the bottom of the healthy BMI range, my insulin control system is messed up as if I were an obese person. At first I was having fun eating more healthy foods and planning my meals, but in the last few days I randomly started feeling horrible again and I feel like I’ve given up. It’s going to be hard to get back on the wagon, but what else can I do?

So I might become one of those blogs, those that I hate, documenting my meals to keep myself motivated. I am not unique. My body needs proper nutrition. I am not some superhuman that survive eating whatever I want. I have to just accept this and move on. Something was wrong with my body to start out with because these problems developed even when I was at a healthy weight and eating much better, but my negative food coping mechanisms drove me into the ground.

Oh guys, any support would be so much appreciated.

I have a combined RD/MD appointment on February 20. I’m going to call today to tell the intake therapist that I’m going to officially enter the program. I am so motivated to get my life back. Nothing will stop me from trying. But I’m so sad because I’m losing faith that it will ever happen.

So sorry for such a depressing post. I just felt like sharing my heart today.

I hope any readers are doing well and God bless all of you.

Alone time coming!

Long day on the bus today. But it is sadly nice to have something to do. On my “to do” list for tonight is to apply to the two volunteer jobs I found yesterday and to study for the PCAT – especially to put all of what I have already gone through on notecards since my mom got me some today.

I decided that I am not going to look at next week as something to be scared of. I usually really want alone time so I am going to focus on that and on doing some fun things for myself such as:

  1. Having a friend over to watch the ‘Mad Men’ premier on SUNDAY, JULY 25th! I LOVE THAT SHOW! Can you tell I am excited? 😉
  2. Trying to get a girls’ night dinner with another friend and her friends. Okay, so I don’t have that many friends. But this friend I shall call M (who is actually my boyfriend’s friend) has a girls’ night every month with her friends from college and they invite me sometimes. They haven’t in awhile and that makes me worry they don’t like me. But I thought I would challenge myself to invite them all over here and cook dinner.
  3. Go to dinner and a movie by myself. I strangely really enjoy going to movies alone at the theater. 🙂
  4. Watch ‘Sex and the City’ and get a lot of good quality study time in with no interruptions.
  5. Maybe plan one more friend activity to get out of the house.

I don’t do much in the way of social stuff. Well, I am not much of an organizer. It is more my style to tag along when other people invite me. But lately I have gotten a lot of anxiety over even that. I am proud of myself for actually calling people to make plans lately and sticking to them.

Thank you all for your kind words lately. I can’t say thank you enough!It means more to me than you could ever know. Sometimes I am so resistant to/scared about recovery and ya’ll are my inspiration. It is especially hard with my boyfriend being deployed. I hope I can support everyone else too! (I lived in Tennessee for a year so I feel I can say “ya’ll” now and then….no? 😉 )