Sharing My Story

Why I am sad… Why I am frustrated…

Some of my story:

3.5 years ago I developed multiple nerve entrapment syndromes and mono neuritis multiplex seemingly out of the blue. I went from being a former collegiate athlete and a daily runner to not being able to walk more than a couple of blocks, limping to the bathroom, not being able to lift weights or do sit-ups or any other exercise, and having trouble using a computer or doing fine movements with my hands. Fortunately, after many years of rest and carefully listening to my body, I can now walk for about 10 min. and swim using only my arms for about 20 min 4-5 days a week. I have a dictation program that helps me write posts such as this by talking to the computer.

Prior to developing the nerve disorder, I had for years had trouble with feeling extremely fatigued and dizzy after eating. I now know this is due to postprandial hypotension and reactive hypoglycemia. My neurologist thinks they have a genetically hypersensitive nervous system and trouble with my autonomic control mechanisms. However, not knowing this at the time, I would often avoid eating because I couldn’t get through my workday when I felt so exhausted (I worked in a clinical laboratory where I ran blood tests that required a lot of concentration).

Now a confession: when the nerve disorder hit, I developed full-fledged bulimia to deal with it. After years of binging and purging, I began to heal three months ago. Unfortunately, the bulimia only intensified the reactive hypoglycemia (which I was officially diagnosed through laboratory testing in early January), and it is now completely controlling and ruining my life. I learned to deal with the nerve disorder. I have not learned to deal with this reactive hypoglycemia, despite all of the positive changes I have made to my diet – no sugar, no simple carbs, higher protein, eating every three hours, and eating as many nutritious foods and balanced meals as I can.

Even now that I feel so much more healed from my eating disorder, I feel increasingly depressed and desperate about my general health. I am terrified that I’ve ruined my body forever and that I’m destined to deal with daily blood sugar crashes, brain fog, and panic attacks. It is hard to accept that there is absolutely no leeway in my diet to not follow a strict regimen. But it’s worth it to me to not have to experience those crashes which are hell on earth. I developed this disordered eating not as a technique for weight loss, but as a way to deal with how food feels like poison to me because it makes me feel so terrible. However, since my reduced activity level, I have definitely re-developed body image issues as well that I struggled with in high school and college.

Recently I had to make a choice to enter an eating disorder program for formality’s sake just so I can see a dietitian and an MD specializing in eating disorders. The intake therapist did not think my condition warranted entering the intensive outpatient program since I have not binged and purged in three months, am eating regular meals, get my period, and my heart/electrolytes/other stuff like that are fine, but I will be technically be part of the eating disorder department of my HMO. This means that I will have to give up my current psychiatrist that I finally found and that I so love working with. But hopefully I can go back to her in 1-2 months. I am very scared to give her up, but I am so desperate for help.

I just wanted to talk about today what is going on with me. I am trying to keep faith in God, but it’s getting really hard. I thought that when I started eating so well I would feel better, but I probably feel only 5% better. Maybe the dietitian can help me see what else I am still doing wrong. Even without the bulimia, I was so depressed about my nerve disorder that my diet was absolutely horrible, I would only eat sugar, crackers, etc. -stuff that made me feel soothed. Our bodies are not meant to eat like that. Although I am at the bottom of the healthy BMI range, my insulin control system is messed up as if I were an obese person. At first I was having fun eating more healthy foods and planning my meals, but in the last few days I randomly started feeling horrible again and I feel like I’ve given up. It’s going to be hard to get back on the wagon, but what else can I do?

So I might become one of those blogs, those that I hate, documenting my meals to keep myself motivated. I am not unique. My body needs proper nutrition. I am not some superhuman that survive eating whatever I want. I have to just accept this and move on. Something was wrong with my body to start out with because these problems developed even when I was at a healthy weight and eating much better, but my negative food coping mechanisms drove me into the ground.

Oh guys, any support would be so much appreciated.

I have a combined RD/MD appointment on February 20. I’m going to call today to tell the intake therapist that I’m going to officially enter the program. I am so motivated to get my life back. Nothing will stop me from trying. But I’m so sad because I’m losing faith that it will ever happen.

So sorry for such a depressing post. I just felt like sharing my heart today.

I hope any readers are doing well and God bless all of you.

Turned out to Be a Productive Day

Yes, as my title suggests, today did turn out to be a productive day. I was waiting around some in the morning for be to wake up, but that was honestly kind of okay because I was experiencing a lot of symptoms this morning and was really tired. It feels so good to have a day that I feel like I am productive and busy. That’s all I want.

I had a good swim. It really made my FM symptoms go away, although I am still having a lot of these separate neuritis symptoms today.

Then I went to that nursing school information session and had a meeting with an advising counselor afterward. That was a super interesting experience. The building I went to was brand-new, only a year old, and he had amazing technology and an amazing simulation lab. The main things I learned more that I can start soon and that they won’t take any of my prereqs taken before 2006 (so the first half of my bachelors degree) but I can test out of those classes (which I honestly think I easily can because it would just be algebra, anatomy, and physiology (my favorite subject),and maybe one other).

The point is, I could start nursing school in November. I just need to figure out if this place is worth it to me. It was so interesting, I don’t even know how to describe it. It’s just a nursing school, that’s all they have there. They are fully CCNE accredited. I guess my only worries are the money, again even after what I said yesterday, and the fact that it’s so new so some schools in other states aren’t really that keen on excepting their BSN for their MSN programs. Anyway, I need to look over the literature more and talk to B about it, which we probably won’t have a chance to do until Saturday because we have so many social engagements! Besides tonight (see below), we are having a barbecue tomorrow and then going to a going-away party. I do know that this school is getting more and more credibility and has a good reputation.

My other main worry is about my disability. I never know how to approach that with people, whether it’s for a job, for school, or with people I just met.

I think those are my two main things: deciding whether I would go there or not based on what type of a school it is even regarding my advice to myself yesterday, and how we would work with my disability/nerve disorder (which is so much better, but might still be a factor in clinicals).

I do know that I just want something to work on. I want to be/feel productive every day, and be working towards a career. I want to contribute to our household too, and use my brain, and be proud of myself.

On being social: B’s friend is coming over tonight. He is transferring to a new location (he’s someone B works with) so that really sucks. But they are at happy hour right now and then he will spend the night here in our spare room so B can help him finish moving tomorrow.I am kind of proud of myself because I said he could stay here. I actually think this guy is a really good friend, I just have a tendency to isolate and not want to see people. But I realized that every time I actually do go out or have people over, I have such a great time, gain a new perspective on life, and I’m really glad I did it. Are you social or a homebody? Do you get social anxiety? Do you find that things always turn out okay when you actually get yourself out there?

Worrying about Ralph: My puppy is kind of wild right now because he’s been in his crate today while we were out running errands. I feel really bad because my foot hurts too much to take him on a walk. But I have actually been doing really well walking lately so this is the first day and while that he hasn’t gotten to go on many walks. He usually gets about four 10 min. walks a day, plus extra potty breaks. That’s pretty good right? I mean he is a 13 pound pug puppy. My mom has two golden retrievers and while they have a yard, she works full-time so they get one 45 to 60 min. walk every evening, so compared to that I don’t think Ralph is doing too badly. It’s something I worry about all the time though. I also think that he is lucky because I’m home with him all day, some dogs don’t get that. When I can’t walk him that much, like on a bad day which only happens about once a week, I play fetch with him inside too. I just hope I’m a good dog mom. :/ anyway, I like to think all of our little walks at up to 40 min. a day plus fetch and free reign of the apartment and that that’s okay. I just want to be a good dog mom. My future mother-in-law said that I worry about my dogs well-being so much that she knows I will be a good mom to her grandchildren. That made me laugh. However, I did get really sick of people talking to me about having kids when we were there for the Fourth of July! I am not a machine here to produce children for your pleasure! 😉 It’s extra funny (read: annoying) because I’m not even really that much of the kid person. It’s not a priority to me, although I know B and I will have kids someday, but hopefully not for 7-8 years until we are in our early 30s.

*I feel the need to say again that any typos you see on my blog are do to my dictation program.*

 Yeah, so the questions above: what are your answers?