It’s a New Year!

I can’t believe it’s 2012, my wedding year!

Happy New Year to everyone!

I spent New Year’s Eve (FYI my favorite holiday besides the 4th of July) in San Marino at a small house party. I would way rather be at a house party on NYE than out in a crowded bar or club! It was a very nice time. We went out for sushi and then came back to our friend’s house and drank a lot of Cava (the Spanish version of champagne, much cheaper and delicious). I am very into sparkling wine.

To top it off, yesterday and today it has been 80* here. I got a lot of sunshine yesterday sitting out in what I can only describe as our friend’s parents’ rose garden watching our dogs play, and then later driving around downtown Riverside (random, totally the other direction from San Marino). It feels so lovely and brings a smile to my face because it reminds me Spring is coming around again, even though that’s a couple months away officially. I appreciated our white Christmas in Colorado but I do not miss the lingering winter that lasts until April.

This is my doggie that drives me crazy.

I know it would have been crazy but I am disappointed we didn’t get to see at least a little bit of the Rose Parade in Pasadena since we were already over there. Apparently they don’t hold it on Sundays so every 7th year when the 1st falls on a Sunday, they have it on Jan. 2nd.

I have a lot of things I need to be working on but have been overwhelmed by wedding stress. Overwhelmed like panic attacks and just having to lay in bed because I’m worn out. It sucks. I hate having GAD/Panic disorder and I also hate having to do this from out of state. I have to make some decisions about the planning this week, HAVE to, and so I am feeling a lot of pressure about that, but maybe if I just go with things and stop over thinking it would be better. Just have been crying every day about this. I think to everyone it seems dumb but I just get overwhelmed so easily. I just can’t seem to find anything within our budget and it is getting stressful.

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Can money buy you happiness?

Sitting on the top of the couch so he can look out the window

Okay, just had to start off with a gratuitous photo of my puppy. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Today’s topic: Money and Happiness

When people say, “Money can’t buy you happiness”, I always say the same thing my mom says, “Oh, YES IT CAN!” But then I clarify: money can’t buy you total happiness, but it can buy you more happiness than you have now.

There are A LOT of things money can’t fix. But…there are A LOT of things it can. For instance, if I had millions of dollars, I would find A LOT of things to do so that I have a purpose and am not just stuck here sitting and thinking too much every day. Examples:

  • I would start my own charity. That takes a lot of time and energy (just ask the lady who founded the dog rescue I used to volunteer for). And it would be so worthwhile. And that would make me happy.
  • I would pay off all of my debt. THAT would make me happy!
  • I would hire a driver. Then I could go anywhere I wanted and not be stuck at home (the theme here, perhaps)!
  • I would travel A LOT. Travel = happy. Maybe I would even set up some charity work in a foreign country.
  • I would have a lot of money to find the most awesome therapists and also the most awesome doctors to help me with my nerve disorder.
  • I could start my own company. Then I would have a job!
  • And finally, I would build my own house that I could decorate and that would have a 25m pool in the backyard so that I could swim laps whenever I wanted.

See? This all would make me very happy. Just sayin’. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Thinking about this reiterated to me how much happier I would (will?) be when I have a purpose/job/career and if I can find some good solutions to my nerve disorder-related stress. So that’s good. But it also stressed me out about my debt, which I try to block out of my mind at all costs.

Do you agree/disagree?

What kind of charity would you start if you could? Mine would have to do with dogs, of course, but also another one with making mental healthcare more accessible —> that is a cause that is very important to me.

Turned out to Be a Productive Day

Yes, as my title suggests, today did turn out to be a productive day. I was waiting around some in the morning for be to wake up, but that was honestly kind of okay because I was experiencing a lot of symptoms this morning and was really tired. It feels so good to have a day that I feel like I am productive and busy. That’s all I want.

I had a good swim. It really made my FM symptoms go away, although I am still having a lot of these separate neuritis symptoms today.

Then I went to that nursing school information session and had a meeting with an advising counselor afterward. That was a super interesting experience. The building I went to was brand-new, only a year old, and he had amazing technology and an amazing simulation lab. The main things I learned more that I can start soon and that they won’t take any of my prereqs taken before 2006 (so the first half of my bachelors degree) but I can test out of those classes (which I honestly think I easily can because it would just be algebra, anatomy, and physiology (my favorite subject),and maybe one other).

The point is, I could start nursing school in November. I just need to figure out if this place is worth it to me. It was so interesting, I don’t even know how to describe it. It’s just a nursing school, that’s all they have there. They are fully CCNE accredited. I guess my only worries are the money, again even after what I said yesterday, and the fact that it’s so new so some schools in other states aren’t really that keen on excepting their BSN for their MSN programs. Anyway, I need to look over the literature more and talk to B about it, which we probably won’t have a chance to do until Saturday because we have so many social engagements! Besides tonight (see below), we are having a barbecue tomorrow and then going to a going-away party. I do know that this school is getting more and more credibility and has a good reputation.

My other main worry is about my disability. I never know how to approach that with people, whether it’s for a job, for school, or with people I just met.

I think those are my two main things: deciding whether I would go there or not based on what type of a school it is even regarding my advice to myself yesterday, and how we would work with my disability/nerve disorder (which is so much better, but might still be a factor in clinicals).

I do know that I just want something to work on. I want to be/feel productive every day, and be working towards a career. I want to contribute to our household too, and use my brain, and be proud of myself.

On being social: B’s friend is coming over tonight. He is transferring to a new location (he’s someone B works with) so that really sucks. But they are at happy hour right now and then he will spend the night here in our spare room so B can help him finish moving tomorrow.I am kind of proud of myself because I said he could stay here. I actually think this guy is a really good friend, I just have a tendency to isolate and not want to see people. But I realized that every time I actually do go out or have people over, I have such a great time, gain a new perspective on life, and I’m really glad I did it. Are you social or a homebody? Do you get social anxiety? Do you find that things always turn out okay when you actually get yourself out there?

Worrying about Ralph: My puppy is kind of wild right now because he’s been in his crate today while we were out running errands. I feel really bad because my foot hurts too much to take him on a walk. But I have actually been doing really well walking lately so this is the first day and while that he hasn’t gotten to go on many walks. He usually gets about four 10 min. walks a day, plus extra potty breaks. That’s pretty good right? I mean he is a 13 pound pug puppy. My mom has two golden retrievers and while they have a yard, she works full-time so they get one 45 to 60 min. walk every evening, so compared to that I don’t think Ralph is doing too badly. It’s something I worry about all the time though. I also think that he is lucky because I’m home with him all day, some dogs don’t get that. When I can’t walk him that much, like on a bad day which only happens about once a week, I play fetch with him inside too. I just hope I’m a good dog mom. :/ anyway, I like to think all of our little walks at up to 40 min. a day plus fetch and free reign of the apartment and that that’s okay. I just want to be a good dog mom. My future mother-in-law said that I worry about my dogs well-being so much that she knows I will be a good mom to her grandchildren. That made me laugh. However, I did get really sick of people talking to me about having kids when we were there for the Fourth of July! I am not a machine here to produce children for your pleasure! ๐Ÿ˜‰ It’s extra funny (read: annoying) because I’m not even really that much of the kid person. It’s not a priority to me, although I know B and I will have kids someday, but hopefully not for 7-8 years until we are in our early 30s.

*I feel the need to say again that any typos you see on my blog are do to my dictation program.*

ย Yeah, so the questions above: what are your answers?

Why I Love…and how much of a leap is my life worth to me?

Why I Love…The Women’s World Cup: It’s the 2011 FIFA Women’s World Cup in Germany. I have been watching the World Cup semifinals all morning. The USA had an amazing win over France. And now Japan is playing Sweden in the second game. I can’t believe I really only started following this now. I played soccer most of my life, from age 5 through high school and through part of college.I actually haven’t played since college. I miss it, I miss how hard I played. It seems so long ago now though. I think soccer is the greatest women’s sport.

Why I Love…B: okay there are 1 million reasons, but one is that he’s full of great quotes. He works nights, so every night I leave him a note to find when he gets home at four in the morning, and he leaves me wanting to find when I wake up. His notes always make me feel so strong and full of hope. Last night he said, “Remember that every day you get through is the day you made it in a day closer to fully healing.”

Why I Love…Ralph: He is SO cute, and he’s my little buddy and companion. He follows me everywhere and he loves me so much. I feel like I’m really his mom. ๐Ÿ˜‰

I also love science/medicine. I have my meeting with the nursing school tomorrow. B said he is proud of me for setting it up. Before I go (hoping to do this tonight) I have to: research the school more online, write out my questions, and print my unofficial undergraduate transcripts.

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Weather Report: Continuing great weather! 78* today, then 79* Thurs, 80* Fri, 83* Sat, 90* Sun. Loving being outside today, having the windows open, reading on our deck, and the lovelyย  breeze coming into the apartment

Today in the Daily Word: “I have no reason to feel out of control as there look forward to the next few hours or days.” I don’t know why I have this huge fear of the time stretching before me and how to fill it. But I do. And often that fear destroys me. I don’t want it to destroy me today. I can take each moment as it calms and have a plan. I have something to look forward to tomorrow – the nursing school meeting. That is taking a step forward.

Once I find out how many classes I can get credit for, I really want to go forward with this if I can. I keep asking myself,‘ How much is my life worth?’

How much of a leap is my life worth to me?

What I mean by that is: I am always worrying about the loan/financial part of school. But when I really think about it, my life is worth that money. If I had to spend $50,000 to save my life I would do it. And that’s basically what this is to me. I don’t know the exact amount yet, I really don’t have any idea right now, but my life is worth that to me. I literally feel like I won’t make it in with I have something of my own like this. The relief, happiness, and purpose I will feel having a career I love is worth that amount of money. To me it’s the same difference of taking out those loans as it would be to pay a lump sum for ransom my own life if that was the question to be considered. I also often have to think, “What would I do if it was only me? If I was the only one here, if I didn’t have all these other people to think about?” I feel like if it was only me, I wouldn’t have anything to lose and I would also go for it for that reason. Because it will save me, because I can be excited about something. I don’t know, that’s just how I feel. That gives me strength somehow. It shows me the right thing to do.


Dear Self, it’s today

Dear self, remember to do the best you can and each moment. Stay hot in each moment. Eat nutrient-rich foods. If that’s all you do, will be okay and can still have fun. Get outside for long walks or go to the pool anytime you need to before taking impulsive actions! Today is a new day. It doesn’t have to be like yesterday. That’s behind me.

Knock off tasks, walks, pool, breathe fresh air, enjoy this summer day, clean heating, cleaning the apartment, K. If need. Sexy summer mindset.

So today, I am going to go tan at the pool or walk Ralph if I am struggling. PROMISE!

I LOVE Ralph...cutest little guy ever!

The other main topic going through my head right now is for-profit schools. I found a four-profit nursing school near her. I normally am pretty it against them because I think they can be release scammy. I saw this one and I still want to talk to a representative but I think it would be so much easier as a route to getting a nursing license and being able to practice as a nurse. My ultimate goal is to either be a PA or nurse practitioner, which I consider pretty much the same thing (both masters level degrees, and pretty much are able to do the same things in practice). I just want to go the route that lets me start working on that goal as soon as possible. I know I have to be patient, like I talked about yesterday, but at the same time, waiting SO long to get started (and not even knowing if I will be able to get started) is kind of slowly killing me in the meantime. When that happens, I kind of lose the possibility of getting anywhere because I get so beaten down. That’s what I don’t want to happen. So I need to work on my patience, but if I could get started sooner, I wonder if that would save me in a way.

We’ll see what they say when I can contact them today. In California, you can often enter directly into a master of science in nursing program with a bachelor’s degree (unlike Colorado,you don’t already have to have a bachelors of science in nursing itself…in Colorado, I would have to enter an accelerated BSN program that would take one year, then get a two-year Master’s degree…most states are like that). I don’t want to pay for a traditional BSN program in less I can get a ton of the classes waived through my previous Biology degree. The Masters degree wouldn’t be so expensive for me.

Today I feel like I can do this dream, but I’m so back and forth. I think I get the most frustrated about having to take all of these prerequisites, when the subjects are already encompassed in my biology degree, they just have different class titles. That really discourages me and pisses me off, quite frankly.

Yesterday, it became apparent that I just have to do something, and SOON. so I am going to research this for-profit school, keep working on my original PA school application plan, and find someprogram that I can start next spring regardless of what happens. I don’t want to have to go beyond next spring with nothing to do and no plan.

Finally got the wedding venue lady to call me back and she has completed the contract and is sending it to me! I am nervous about how the wedding is a little bit outside of Denver, but I’m really excited. ๐Ÿ™‚

Ralph is so cute, so cute!!! He’s my little companion and I love having him around here.

He's so much bigger than this already!

Also, got this from Lisa’s blog (lisasfoods.com)…www.goodreads.com. You put up a list of books you want to read and work towards your goal. I want to read 25 more books by the end of the year, I am going to try to set up the list this week.

On following through

I am a person who needs lots of repetition, reciting goals, repeating my plan for the day, repeating affirmations. I obsessively think about things sometimes and am easily overwhelmed and can’t keep my thoughts straight, but one thing that really works for me is to write things down. Multiple times a week, I need to write down my career path plan, again and again, usually when I feel worthless or I forget that I have to do it step-by-step. It helps to write the steps down. Last night I really had a panic about not feeling like I am working on anything again. I think I upset B with my lack of self-worth because he thinks I DO work hard and appreciates so much all of my cleaning, cooking, organizing around the house. But I sometimes feel like other people just don’t understand and that is hard.

So I just have to review my writing and PA school plans today, and think about what to do about the jobs I applied for (just wait it out for one and make a phone call for the other). I need to KEEP reviewing those plans when I feel anxious and just keeping working. It’s so hard to believe when there aren’t any tangible results yet.

I guess my goals for today are to finish my short story and write another article. And I hope believe in myself enough to sign up for a Sociology class. Just formulate my plan, again, and make worth out of it today. I need to follow through. Especially the short story will help. And maybe a few pages on my book. I have two projects going on. I want to work so much but I get frustrated about typing and my arms still, even though they are doing better. I just have to be thankful I can dictate and navigate around with the mouse a little bit. And do some brainstorming on paper for the 1920’s story.

Also, I always keep a pile of notecards on my ‘desk’ (aka dining room table) to write down my plan for the day and sometimes affirmations.

I write my plan for the day down multiple times if I get anxious, a mix of walks, relax time, and writing time (and cleaning time if needed).

My poor puppy is pooped because he had to go to the vet today to get his first shots. He cried SO hard! Poor little guy.

Like Ralph, remember to play hard and rest (sleep) hard today! ๐Ÿ™‚