Alone time coming!

Long day on the bus today. But it is sadly nice to have something to do. On my “to do” list for tonight is to apply to the two volunteer jobs I found yesterday and to study for the PCAT – especially to put all of what I have already gone through on notecards since my mom got me some today.

I decided that I am not going to look at next week as something to be scared of. I usually really want alone time so I am going to focus on that and on doing some fun things for myself such as:

  1. Having a friend over to watch the ‘Mad Men’ premier on SUNDAY, JULY 25th! I LOVE THAT SHOW! Can you tell I am excited? 😉
  2. Trying to get a girls’ night dinner with another friend and her friends. Okay, so I don’t have that many friends. But this friend I shall call M (who is actually my boyfriend’s friend) has a girls’ night every month with her friends from college and they invite me sometimes. They haven’t in awhile and that makes me worry they don’t like me. But I thought I would challenge myself to invite them all over here and cook dinner.
  3. Go to dinner and a movie by myself. I strangely really enjoy going to movies alone at the theater. 🙂
  4. Watch ‘Sex and the City’ and get a lot of good quality study time in with no interruptions.
  5. Maybe plan one more friend activity to get out of the house.

I don’t do much in the way of social stuff. Well, I am not much of an organizer. It is more my style to tag along when other people invite me. But lately I have gotten a lot of anxiety over even that. I am proud of myself for actually calling people to make plans lately and sticking to them.

Thank you all for your kind words lately. I can’t say thank you enough!It means more to me than you could ever know. Sometimes I am so resistant to/scared about recovery and ya’ll are my inspiration. It is especially hard with my boyfriend being deployed. I hope I can support everyone else too! (I lived in Tennessee for a year so I feel I can say “ya’ll” now and then….no? 😉 )

Heat haters, Heat lovers

Pretty day today, a little cloudy and not as hot as they said. I don’t know why this heat bothers people, I love it. My family is all going to San Diego next week except for me. When they are gone, I will be turning the swamp cooler OFF and leaving all the doors and windows open…whoo hoo! 😉 And I will be watching the dogs as usual.

My grandma has a vacation house in San Diego, a block from the beach (she lives here in Colorado). When I was a kid, we didn’t have much money, so that is the only place we ever went on vacation. We would drive there to save more money. It’s like my second home.

Nowadays, my family goes there every summer. However, I haven’t gone with them for FOUR years now. In the past, I just couldn’t handle family vacations. Now, I feel sad about that sometimes, as I do about a lot of the travelling I missed out on from anxiety, because I could have WALKED, SWAM IN THE OCEAN, done all kinds of things that I love and been okay. I realize this now. That said, this year I am not going again. Part of me wants to go, is finally ready to do a family vacation again, which is good, especially to a comfortable place that is familiar to me. But I decided not to go because it would make me too sad – I won’t be able to walk on the beach, swim in the ocean, escape to walk on the bay or ride a bike — it’s all too physically painful. I didn’t want to have to be sad about all the things I cannot do, to sit on the boardwalk and watch everyone and cry. Next year, I hope I am better enough both physically and mentally to go. That is going to be a major goal of mine. I have one more medicine I can try but I keep holding off on it for some reason – like its my trump card — I am afraid of the side effects and also afraid that it won’t work and that I will have no more options.

I am also kind of worried about being lonely while they are gone, although last year my week alone was one of the best of my life (I really pushed myself in my recovery and just overall enjoyed being alone)…I will have to invite friends over (the few I have around here) and stuff and just enjoy my alone time. I’m disappointed one of my friends went to Europe for two weeks. Well, it’s awesome for him that he got to go, but I would have liked to have him and his gf (and puppy!) over for dinner a couple times.

Just went swimming and it felt good. My shoulder is still bothering me, BUT…it’s in an entirely different place than before. Now it’s in my shoulder joint, before it was in the lower part of the anterior deltoid muscle. That part just went away, or moved, or something….makes me think it is fibro pain maybe? If you have fibro, does that stuff happen to you? I understand a lot about the disease and science behind it in general, but don’t get how it works in MY body still. Or I just second-guess things.

For some reason I feel the need to clarify something from yesterday. I don’t binge/purge to maintain weight or lose weight – it is more of a self-harm thing, like cutting; I do it on purpose to hurt myself or because I am mad or frustrated. Restriction is a response to anxiety, a way to give myself a feeling of worth, and a weight maintenance thing. A couple weeks ago, I found out from my therapist that my diagnosis is “anorexia – binge/purge type”. This brought up a lot of feelings to me. It’s interesting…can’t really articulate my thoughts about it right now, but I am going to try to process what that means for me. I get confused about what it means because I know I am underweight for my height, but I still get my period and have weighed almost the exact same for two and a half years.

Actually, I think it means that while there isn’t necessarily a huge problem with my weight, there IS a problem with the WAY I eat. My dietician seems to agree with this since that’s what we are trying to work on, changing the WAY I eat and exploring why I eat this way, not focusing on weight.

Don’t you like it when you just talk yourself into a “lightbulb” moment as you blog? 🙂

Today I have therapy…I don’t have any real plans for what to talk about (I hate that) except for the dietician appointment and how to deal with being alone next week. I know I will find something to say! So I will be riding the bus all afternoon (an hour and half there, an hour and a half back!), which I actually enjoy. Since I am able to get around a little better now, I am thinking about applying to another volunteer job out of the house. I enjoy my work for the dog rescue at home, but I feel like I need to get out more. I am considering this unpaid internship one day a week at a science museum, and also something with senior citizens.