Post-vacay

Well, this week was really hard, coming back from the 4th in Seattle (we were really outside the city most of the time at a lake house). We actually went down to San Diego to see my family last night – just for a night (they were on vacation there). That was really nice. They got to meet Ralph! I saw my youngest sister and my parents. The middle sister left the night before to go to Montana to see my cousins. I thought that was interesting… As of about a month ago, she wasn’t planning on doing that, so I can’t help wondering if it is because of me. (We haven’t spoken since February.) She also avoided coming over to my parents’ house when we were in Denver in early June to look at wedding venues and for our engagement party. That was okay, I wasn’t ready to see her then, but I was all ready to see her in San Diego and didn’t feel weird about it anymore. I didn’t know she wasn’t going to be there. Oh well…as I just told B, she can’t avoid me forever; I will have to see her around the holidays.

Anyway, San Diego is such a beautiful place. I have been there so many times, but I was able to look at it with fresh eyes this time.

Ralph at the ice luge on the 4th

Do you get the post-vacation blues? I have ALWAYS noticed that I have a really hard time after a trip. I don’t think it’s so much the ‘blues’ in the sense that that term means (where you are bummed that the awesome trip is over and you have to come home and work). Well, I guess it IS that, but it is more too. Like I just have A LOT of trouble re-adjusting to the routine I have at home, and wondering, especially this time, “where do I go from here?” I think that I am so much busier on trips and don’t have to think so much because I am around people. And I like that.

Then I come home and I have nothing to do again. This time I got (am) so overwhelmed with anxiety about how to adjust back and where to go next with my life, and so afraid of the boredom again and of worrying that I will never get anywhere. Just so frustrated.

To compound that, it’s hot here. Which I don’t mind the heat. I just HATE having to have the windows closed and the AC on. I just have always hated not being able to get fresh air. I literally start to feel dizzy and so agitated. I can’t think clearly. It’s weird. I don’t know if anyone else ever experiences that, but I do. I have been freaking out all day. I don’t feel alive like that. Sounds like a stupid complaint but it really triggers and affects me for some reason. Anyway, I feel a little better tonight because B said we can open the windows at night when it cools off. Yay! Okay, sorry, I just had to get that out.

I also feel a little better that I made a plan for my days for the rest of the summer. Like do this, do that, do this, do that. Maybe I will share tomorrow… 😉 I like to make schedules. It’s comforting.

How do you deal with this AC thing? What about when businesses turn it up so much that it’s TOO cold inside so you have to bring a sweater even though it’s 96* outside?!

A

Wish I could show SO many pictures. Sometimes I debate showing my face on this blog. But I say too many personal things I think…

Hanging on

Happy 4th of July!

Ugh, yesterday was horrible. The day after a horrible day is always hard. I did go swimming though and that helped calm me down so much. I know that by tomorrow I will be okay. I know I say this all the time. And to be honest I am sick of HAVING to say it all the time. I am determined to make this a good week and be patient. I am still keeping all of my epiphanies so strongly in my mind, and I am tired of my life being like this.

Motivations to stabilize eating and sleep:

  • Even mood
  • Less stomach problems
  • Less depression
  • Healthy Life
  • CONFIDENCE AND HOPE

The one thing I have to remember is that I am going to get hungry eventually. I am human. When that happens, I have to brainstorm ways to calm down and to deal with how my stomach feels afterward. I think swimming in the morning before I over-react is a good thing. And today I am starting giving up gluten for awhile so I hope so much that feeling better with that will make eating easier. Then I can get on a more even schedule. I never want to have to go through sinking to such lows again, after I thought I was almost through that. One of the problems was taking a medication that really threw my brain off, one I hadn’t tried before for my pain. I am so sensitive to everything!

We dressed up my basset hound today in his dragon costume for the 4th, it’s hilarious. He just wears it so calmly. I will put up a picture of him later!

Most of the time I am doing so much better lately with my DBT skills. But I still don’t know what to do when my emotions get SO intense. I guess using TIP skills over and over — go swim if I haven’t already, practice using ice, and do PMR and deep breathing. I just have to keep trying. And once I am feeling better and on a more even sleep and eating schedule, I know that my emotions will level out again, like they did last week. That is why I can’t let my eating and sleep get so messed up, the consequences are really dangerous. I am signing up to make a bipolar management class in August to really work on that stuff.

Okay, not much to say today. Just struggling.

I do love the 4th of July though. Miss my boyfriend as always, his parents usually have a HUGE 4th party and so I miss him extra today. I have a lot of good 4th memories with him. I am praying he is safe, as this is an historically dangerous day over there.