Oct 11

My husband had these beautiful roses delivered to me on Tuesday! 🙂

I am such an idiot. I thought I had therapy yesterday at 330. I was all ready to go and then at the last minute thought to check the appointment card she had given me. Lo and behold, it said Thursday 10/11! That really threw me off and I was disappointed. At least today I had a good swim this morning and now I’m already to go for my appointment.

I’m continually frustrated with how everything I eat makes me feel ill and dizzy. But I created a meal plan for myself that I am going to follow for the next few weeks and see if I feel better. I know I won’t feel totally better but I know from experience the style of eating that fits me best. I’m starting to document what makes me feel worse. Cutting out a lot of sugar during the day has helped!

My parents are coming into town this weekend. I was really missing them a lot but now for some reason I’m stressed about it. Ever since I moved away from Colorado, my mom is so over-exuberant when she sees me and it drives me nuts!

I tried to make a psychiatry appointment earlier this week and of course they didn’t have one open for any doctor until November 20th! I told them several times that it was more urgent than that and that I wanted to have someone on-call talk to me. I got a new psychiatrist because my old one left this list summer so I at least set that that up. Then her nurse called me back and put me on the cancellation so if anyone cancels they will call me and I can hopefully get a sooner appointment. She also spoke to the psychiatrist on call for me and I’m going to increase one of the medications I take by 25 mg per day and just leave it at that until I have my appointment. I have yet to start but I’m determined to start today. I really like this medication and have taken it for many years but I know whenever I go up on it it has a lot of side effects for a few days that are hard for me to handle. I’m determined to be more open to medication though. I’m hoping to continue the things I was talking about with my previous psychiatrist -which I put on hold once I found out she left (and then procrastinated on making an appointment because I hate Kaiser Permanente SO much) – increasing Lamictal and adding either BuSpar or an antidepressant for my anxiety. I have been resistant to taking SSRI’s again for many years but I think I just have to. So I am thankful I got to talk to the nurse and that is the plan for now. I also made a neurology appointment for November 28th.

I really did a lot of work on one of my application essays on Tuesday. I did the whole outline and now I just have to type it up. I want to get those applications in by the end of October. We found out that even with B’s promotion we will be staying in Southern California for another couple years. It’s good to know that plan. It helps me plan for myself. Eventually we want to settle down in Colorado, but for now I really love Southern California, and I get to see my family a lot more than I would if we lived elsewhere because they go to San Diego so much (my grandparents own a property there and since my grandpa is deceased and my grandmother is in poor health, my dad is the executor of his father’s will and goes to check on this house a lot). It’s only about a 2 hour drive from us. We also get to enjoy seeing B’s best friend (and the best man at our wedding) more than we would living elsewhere because his family lives in Pasadena, so whenever he goes to visit them (he lives in Washington DC) we go over there. Plus it’s only a two hour flight to both Denver and Seattle where B and I are from and where our families live.

I know that my path to both self-esteem and self-actualization lies in pursuing graduate school and a fulfilling career. If I would just apply I would feel so much better!!! I still procrastinate on it a bit but I’m feeling more and more confident about it. I still have worries that my health will interfere (again) but I’m pretty determined because I feel like it’s my last chance. Hopefully those fears are something I could work through in therapy. Some things I am looking for are: an intellectually stimulating AND fulfilling career that has potential part-time job opportunities.

Are you fulfilled in your life? What do you need to do to get there?

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