To-do Monday and Tuesday:
- make appointments for ophthalmologist, arm surgery, and psychiatrist
- call UHC credit to give them information
- call federal loans to make sure they got deferment and to change address
- decide if you’re going to sign up for pharmacy tech test (and do it) or if you’re going to apply to TESOL (in do it)
I am not typically a person who complains about the heat. I love warm weather and have been known to sit outside and read in the shade of when it’s in the upper 90s. But these last couple days I have finally broken down to whine about the heat! It’s been in the triple digits here where we live in Southern California, yesterday the high was 103 degrees and today it’s 100. We don’t have any air-conditioning (it’s broken). My landlord won’t come over here till Friday. I don’t even really like to use air-conditioning. Last summer I used it a total of two days even though it was in the upper 90s multiple times. I hate spending money on and I hate having to keep the windows closed. But this week is really getting to me. I think it’s because our townhouse doesn’t really get any cross breeze (because it’s not an end unit so it’s kind of boxed in), so it’s stifling in here at night, especially upstairs were the bedrooms are. Last night I just felt really ill, I was getting heat cramps in my legs. My two main worries are not being able to sleep at night, and my dog – he’s a pug so he’s not supposed to be in hot temperatures like this because they’re prone to heat stroke due to their flat faces. I can’t sleep because I’m hot and I can’t sleep because I’m worried about him as he pants in front of the fan. I was getting into a good routine but this has really thrown me off. It’s so hot that I feel sick and I have no appetite and then I just get really we can start worrying about myself. Last night we bought a small evaporative cooler from Amazon.com and it’s supposed to arrive tomorrow, so hopefully I’ll have just one more night of no sleep. If it works well, I would really just used that for the rest of the summer instead of turning on the air conditioning, just so the bedroom stays cool so I can have a place to escape and sleep comfortably! I can’t wait to we own our own home. Our landlord is okay, but he’s just really hard to communicate with because he doesn’t speak English well at all! He also really annoyed me the other day because he basically won’t speak to me about anything maintenance related. Very chauvinistic if you ask me. My husband and I both knew exactly the same amount about the air conditioner. Also I grew up with a carpenter for a dad (now he owns a hardware store) so I’m pretty handy!
I am trying to accept that my life will probably always be a struggle and just take it one day at a time. I’m trying not to get so scared about my health.
I am taking my husband’s last name, but I still having gotten around to changing everything. I feel sad about giving up my maiden name, but I’m slowly getting used to it. I would never not take my husband’s last name, it’s really special to me and that’s what makes me really feel like we’re married. I’m thinking about changing my middle name to my maiden name so that I can keep both names without hyphenating. I really want to create two middle names so I don’t have to lose my current middle name, but I’ve heard that gets really complicated and doesn’t really work out that well.
I’m kind of slow doing all this because I still mainly use my parents address as my permanent address. We move so much that I get sick of changing everything all the time. The next time B gets promoted, there is a high possibility that we will have to move again, probably to another state, so it’s like were both just kind of waiting to see about that before we permanently change our addresses. At the same time, now that we are married it’s really time that we do it! The other thing is that I don’t want to get a California state drivers license. I renewed my Colorado state drivers license in December. California makes you take the whole driving test over again (the written part)! That’s ridiculous. Plus it costs a lot of money and then if we move again to a different state I’ll just have to change again. Maybe I will wait on everything for a little while. Technically I’m supposed to have a California state drivers was and by now, but with my nerve disorder I really don’t drive very much so it’s not something I want to spend the money on.
Today I’m honestly planning to just take the day off from doing anything. I’m really exhausted from not sleeping the last two nights due to the heat. Yesterday my brain just got the best of me and I’m disappointed in myself and scare that will happen again. I just want to escape into my book. Maybe I’ll do some writing today. I get overwhelmed with my story, with what the point of it should be. Actually it’s the other way around. I know the whole big picture but I don’t know how to get there in a way that not too much or too little detail.
Unfortunately I haven’t heard back from the part-time babysitting job, which is weird since the lady contacted me first. I have promised myself I will do the job of the get it, it would be perfect for me right now. I’m just praying for something like that to work out, and soon!
B was asking me the other day what my fears are and I said one of them is God. Yes, I’m afraid of God. I believe in God, but I almost wish that I didn’t. My belief has mostly given me a lifetime of fear and guilt, not comfort like I wish it did. Yet I can’t help but believe in God. I just feel in my core that He exists. This is something I think about all the time, it really gets to me. I want to have a purpose on this earth, but I feel trapped in a terrible cycle where I don’t take care of myself because I’m so restless and frustrated about my disability, but not taking care of myself makes my disability worse so that I can’t do anything. I feel helpless. Sorry for any typos that don’t make sense. I am dictating.
I’m working on all of our wedding thank you notes and am almost done. My arm starts hurting for running, hopefully they’ll be alleviated by the surgery! I am so appreciative of everyone who came all the way to Colorado for our wedding. We had people spend a lot of money and time to come from Washington, Northern California, Southern California, Idaho, Montana, Texas, Tennessee, Washington DC, Arkansas, New Jersey, and New York, plus all of my Colorado contingent! So blessed to have such great family and friends.