Surgery?

I rode the bus to the pool where I swim laps today and then I’ve been laying out tanning at the pool at our townhome complex. I want to be tan, and especially I want to be tan for my wedding!

I want to go back to school this fall. Correction: I am going back to school this fall, no matter what. I have to. B and I had a really good talk last night. He is so supportive and he made me feel a lot better. It’s hard to accept that because of my disability I can’t do the things I want, can’t follow the career path I want to right now. I feel like I am having to go with my second choice option. It’s hard to get past the disappointment of that, but the other day I was thinking that just because I have to go with Plan B for now doesn’t mean I can’t ever pursue plan A later on. Also, I feel like if I continue to do nothing, just waiting around, I’ll never do anything. All fall so far down that I’ll never be able to go for anything, and I can’t stand that anymore.

So I made a plan last night. To be honest I could do the first application in one day. I want to get that by the end of this week. Today I’m writing the essay.

The next part of the plan I decided that after almost 3 years I’m going to get surgery on the ulnar nerve in my right arm. I’m really scared. I guess I’m scared that something will go wrong and I’ll be worse off than I am now. I couldn’t handle that. I have to make an appointment to see an orthopedic surgeon. I know it’s an easy surgery, but I just want to go well. And I just don’t feel any compassion with the doctors or system at Kaiser Permanente. I hate them. I get anxious just thinking about it and I usually start crying. Just fill so unsupported and mistreated there. But I don’t see how I can move forward without at least trying the surgery. Just have to keep fighting. I will probably be talking more about this in the weeks and months to come.

In other news, I am obsessed with the Skinnygirl white peach margarita! Anyone else?

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