Had a really bad day today. I have just been SO anxious this week about wedding planning especially and traveling for Christmas (during which I am going to have to A) see my sister for the first time in almost a year of not speaking to each other, and B) do a lot of this wedding planning). Multiple panic attacks and my mind just spinning. B had to re-format my whole computer and my dictation program needs to be re-loaded onto it. So I will have to be brief because typing hurts.
I am also so overwhelmed with my dog. I know that’s a stupid thing, perhaps, to be overwhelmed about but I just feel like I get no time to myself to use my coping skills (deep breathing, etc) because of his constant puppy-ness (he’s 9 months old and full of energy).
I am worrying so much about wedding planning because it’s so hard to plan from out of state. Vendors also just really screw you over with hidden fees with weddings! My venue doesn’t coordinate anything (like they don’t have their own caterer, etc) so I have to do all of this adding everything together myself. More stressful than that is I don’t really get how everything will work logistically on that day. And we have all of these out-of-town guests coming that adds to that. I am feeling like having our venue so far outside of Denver, in the mountains, will be hard for that reason. Stressful! I am trying to just PICK things and GO WITH IT though!
An interesting twist, my sister just e-mailed me. We have not spoken since February, her choice. She has cut off all contact with me since then. I doubt she will be coming to my wedding. We have been pretty close our whole lives (she is only 20 months younger than me) but have also had our differences on the subject of my mental health, though never before to this extent. I am finally allowing myself to be angry at her too though and let that be okay. Very hard for me to do. I constantly hear her voice in my head yelling at me. Anyway, in her e-mail she said that she wants to be civil over Christmas so that our whole family can spend the holiday together but that she still no longer wants to have a relationship with me beyond that. Not unexpected, but still hard to hear. I just wrote her back and said that I understand her need to protect herself but also feel the same way about keeping a distance between us for now. I think it’s what is best for both of us right now, for each of our own mental health. I hope that was the right thing to say.
I fly to Denver this weekend. I am very excited to see the rest of my family and to have my mom’s comfort and help with the wedding planning stuff! I feel a lot of pressure around family but I do love my family very much. My parents are so amazing. I think my greatest fear right now is that the rest of them will abandon me like my sister, especially that my other sister will. I think that is what makes me feel so afraid. Like I said above, I am okay with not speaking to the middle sister because to be honest, she makes me uncomfortable and feel generally bad about myself and having a relationship with her right now isn’t good for me either, like she says it isn’t good for her. B says I have to give everyone else credit that they are different than her and not let my fear about her affect my relationship with anyone else.
Anything you are stressed about over the holidays? How can I help? 🙂