Need my Independence Back

I’m sick for the first time this year. It sucks. I have a really hard time being sick because I feel guilty for resting and being sick is really triggering to me somehow. I just hope it doesn’t last long. I’ve been in a really bad/frustrated mood this week. Just feeling kind of hopeless and discouraged.

Just talking now I guess, always so much more I want to talk about than what I do.

I am going to Denver in two weeks for 10 days. I am pretty excited to go and see my family and have people around. Also, MAJORLY excited to have a pool within driving distance AND my parents’ spare car so I can go whenever I want like I use to! I am increasingly struggling with not being able to do that here. It is undermining me every day.

It is a terrible feeling to feel like you have no independence. I definitely don’t financially. Being able to drive myself to the pool (swimming is verrrrry important to me) was always the one thing that saved me, and now I don’t have that here. I just have to hold out til March when we move and can hopefully find a place closer to the pool. I know this seems like a silly thing but it is everything to me.

My grandma (whose husband just died) will also be there. She is coming from Phoenix to stay with my parents for about three weeks. We will have my grandfather’s memorial in Denver on December 18th and then she will spend Christmas there and see all of our extended family. It will be crazy because my parents have two Golden Retrievers and my grandma has two (quite annoying) Yorkie-Poodle mixes and I am bringing my 8-month old pug puppy. So there will be five dogs! I was excited for my pug to play with my mom’s dogs but I am hoping he doesn’t bug the Yorkies too much because they are typical small dogs – yappy! They actually like to play but my grandma is so protective of them. I feel sorry for them, actually, they just want to play too. Hopefully she will just let them play and I won’t have to be pulling my dog off of them all the time.

I am just feeling generally bad about myself – my body and my appearance – even though I am feeling better and more patient about my self-worth with regards to being unemployed, etc. But my body image is really bothering me and I am just unhappy with myself. I hate my clothes. I REALLY need a haircut, hoping to get one when I’m home (yeah, still call Denver home). I want my hair to be long again. All of this adds up to poor self-confidence and me being in a bad mood.

 

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4 thoughts on “Need my Independence Back

  1. I feel your pain…as much as we don’t want to tie our self-worth to our appearance…it happens. And it’s brutal. Stay strong – you are beautiful no matter what. Also, I hear ya on the pool thing – not literally a pool for me – but I am very far away from being close to stuff I used to do, far less independent and not able to just get up and go when I want (Because of where I live). It’s not easy. But worrying and stressing about it…it’s taking so much energy out of me.

    Remember, suffering happens when we are attached to stuff or the way things used to be or “should be” in our minds. Let that go – and you let suffering go.

    Peace. (I love your background now by the way).

    • Really love the sentence about what causes suffering. So very true. Really needed to see that today, so thank you. I have learned before that suffering happens when you don’t accept things as they are, but I have never heard/thought about that part about it being the “should be’s” that cause it too. That is truly what causes a majority of my personal suffering. Need to get those thoughts out of my head. I hope you are doing better and staying strong.

      • Yes, well it’s so easy to read and even for me to say those words…but, trust me, I understand. I understand all too well how hard it is to actually listen to them and follow through on them.

        We are our harshest critics and our own worst enemies. It seems the more I more mistakes I make, the worse it gets…but it’s the only thing I can do right now I guess.

  2. I can totally identify with the “I want my hair to be long again” stuff. Mine was always long and blonde and I used to get compliments on it allllll the time. Then it got really damaged so I cut it short and grew out the blonde and what do ya know, the compliments stopped! Honestly, it was a really hard time for me but I just kept reminding myself that a) it’s not unreasonable to care that much about your hair or your appearance and b) you will appreciate it and take much better care of it when it’s long and blonde again and c) if you can get through this you will be stronger for it!

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