I’m sick for the first time this year. It sucks. I have a really hard time being sick because I feel guilty for resting and being sick is really triggering to me somehow. I just hope it doesn’t last long. I’ve been in a really bad/frustrated mood this week. Just feeling kind of hopeless and discouraged.
Just talking now I guess, always so much more I want to talk about than what I do.
I am going to Denver in two weeks for 10 days. I am pretty excited to go and see my family and have people around. Also, MAJORLY excited to have a pool within driving distance AND my parents’ spare car so I can go whenever I want like I use to! I am increasingly struggling with not being able to do that here. It is undermining me every day.
It is a terrible feeling to feel like you have no independence. I definitely don’t financially. Being able to drive myself to the pool (swimming is verrrrry important to me) was always the one thing that saved me, and now I don’t have that here. I just have to hold out til March when we move and can hopefully find a place closer to the pool. I know this seems like a silly thing but it is everything to me.
My grandma (whose husband just died) will also be there. She is coming from Phoenix to stay with my parents for about three weeks. We will have my grandfather’s memorial in Denver on December 18th and then she will spend Christmas there and see all of our extended family. It will be crazy because my parents have two Golden Retrievers and my grandma has two (quite annoying) Yorkie-Poodle mixes and I am bringing my 8-month old pug puppy. So there will be five dogs! I was excited for my pug to play with my mom’s dogs but I am hoping he doesn’t bug the Yorkies too much because they are typical small dogs – yappy! They actually like to play but my grandma is so protective of them. I feel sorry for them, actually, they just want to play too. Hopefully she will just let them play and I won’t have to be pulling my dog off of them all the time.
I am just feeling generally bad about myself – my body and my appearance – even though I am feeling better and more patient about my self-worth with regards to being unemployed, etc. But my body image is really bothering me and I am just unhappy with myself. I hate my clothes. I REALLY need a haircut, hoping to get one when I’m home (yeah, still call Denver home). I want my hair to be long again. All of this adds up to poor self-confidence and me being in a bad mood.