Fed up

Thank you all for your nice comments regarding the look of my save-the-date cards!

I am having the worst day today though. I am just so angry and frustrated with myself. Disgusted with how I am going about life and how I continue to fail at conquering binge-eating issues. I am just fed up — no pun intended (okay, maybe some, need a little humor). It’s like I get momentum going for a day, staying very strong, and then just crash and burn again. I HATE IT MORE THAN ANYTHING ON THIS EARTH. After a really bad day, I feel so determined to change and feel like I do the right things for awhile. I just want it to stick. I feel SO on the verge of getting over it and really changing. Why can’t I just get over the hump? I don’t understand. I am most angry about how it is taking away my swims. I am only going every other day now and it hurts me. It takes away everything. I don’t want it to take that away anymore. That is a main motivator for me, as is money. The money thing brings up a lot of guilt though, so I am going to focus on the swimming and how I want to be able to go so I have to stay on track. Keeping that at the fore-front of my mind.

I HAVE to change the way I think. I am starting to but I get carried away and can’t breathe so often before I can collect my thoughts.

It’s very rainy in SoCal today. It’s actually kind of nice because I feel cozy and like I can rest.

Also, RIP Steve Jobs. So sad.

Also today I read an article about Adele and the vocal issues she has been having, including two hemorrhages on her vocal chords. I also think this is very sad; singing is obviously her livelihood and passion. Love her music. I almost felt angry at God when reading that; why would he take that away from her? Why do so many bad things happen? I have such oscillating thoughts on God. I think mostly that most of my life I have been so afraid of God, and I hate that feeling. I want to feel comforted. Sometimes I do, but a lot of times thinking of God brings me fear and I wish that wasn’t so. Someday I hope to fix it. Try as I might, I can’t get away from believing in God though, I just always come back to it.

Here’s to hoping for, praying for, HAVING a good weekend. Need three days of strength. At least we have things planned. Swimming motivation.



7 thoughts on “Fed up

  1. Oh Katie you make my heart cry…I can relate to so much of what you say. I say everyday I’ll change. And it never comes. I have such anxiety every day anticipating the worst and knowing it’s close to the Holidays and I feel like I ruin everything.

    Moving on…I had no idea Jobs died :(.

    As for God – I’m not religious by any means but trying to finding more spirituality. We have to believe there is something greater and bigger than us – of course there is. Sometimes when I’m feeling my worst, the only thing that helps is for me to “give it over to God”. Give it to him and it lightens my load. Or to remember that we are never, ever alone. God (or some being) is walking right beside us, holding our hands…or holding us up.

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. Curl up with a hot mug of something (and a shot of Vodka 😉 ) and an episode of Modern Family.

    • Thank you so much for your nice comment, really gave me strength right now. I am trying to find more spirituality too, that is kind of what I meant. I meant also that I sometimes fail to, and then I feel guilty. I hate how I anticipate the worst too/become afraid of it and then that almost causes it to happen> I really want to get away from that and just not think about it so much and just push being afraid of binging out of my head and take it minute by minute.

      Definitely having a cup of hot mint tea right now. 🙂 Tomorrow is another, better day!

  2. I’m so sorry to hear your struggling and I wish you all sorts of strength in the days ahead!

    The Nakd bar you asked about is gluten-free – they are essentially Larabars but they are imported from the UK!

  3. i’m praying for you! sometimes discouragement is the surest form of motivation. after all, when you’re heading towards rock bottom, there is really only up to go. it’s one way of looking at things. things can and will turn around! i’m in the same place… fed up, but biting back! (love making ED puns when talking about recovery).

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