I’m watching the pre-Emmy’s coverage. It’s a testament to my boredom that I now watch award shows. The only one I used to watch as the Academy Awards. But I am sort of the queen of celebrity gossip and I love watching the fashion/dresses, even if I don’t end up watching the whole show. I just saw Gwyneth Paltrow, my fave.
I got my October issue of Brides Magazine today. It’s a really good issue so I’m excited.
In lieu of my goals last week, all I will say that I did better. I improved. I didn’t do as good as I wanted to, but I definitely improved the numbers.
I also definitely took my vitamins 6/7 days.
Things that are motivating me right now:
- Money. I want to do the right thing money-wise. I am usually really good with money and frugal, but when it comes to binging, I know I waste a lot of money. I know this hurts our little family and I don’t want to do that.
- I just want to feel good. I am sick of feeling terrible. I know sometimes I’m not going to feel that great because of my nerve disorder, anxiety, and other things. But I want to weigh the pros and cons again and really use that skill like I was in the fall of 2009.
- I want to feel alive. I want to be present in my life. I want to feel proud of myself, and strong, and enjoy it. I want to see the beauty in life, and feel proud of how I try my best fighting through the hard parts, while still loving myself. I want that FEELING again of being ALIVE.
- I want to set up my future. I’m really ready and finally believe I can do it. The more I feel alive and healthy and proud, the more confidence I have, and the more I will be able to actually do this. I have so many motivations for setting up my future to: something to do, something to throw my energy into, something to feel proud of, something to give me a purpose, and making money, which will give me a lot of things!
One thing that’s hard with giving up my addiction is knowing that life doesn’t necessarily get instantly better when I do. I have gone through this using DBT skills before and I can’t say that it was easier, but I do know that it was better, that that feeling of feeling proud of myself is worth everything. That feeling of feeling alive is worth everything. Being present is worth everything. Today I was watching Celebrity Rehab and they did the follow-up at 150 days out. Bob, a counselor on the show (the one with the curly red hair and big glasses who always wears a hat) told one of the addicts, “Life without my addiction is harder but better”. I couldn’t agree more. Another quote that comes to mind is, “No one said life would be easy; they just said it would be worth it.” You can give up or even keep going (giving up meaning death), but that feeling of being proud, that feeling of solidarity with mankind’s other sufferers, of making it to the end, is something that motivates me.