Optimism/Pessimism and the Near and Far Future

I wasn’t going to blog today, but…here I am. With a sleeping puppy beside me and a shot of Bailey’s next to me on my nightstand that I am sipping on (a little nightcap if you will, it’s delicious).

B actually has tomorrow off so that’s nice. He wants to go to a friend’s BBQ but I don’t want to. I’ve been having a hard time lately (uh…always, it seems, but really this past two months) and I wrote him a long note (6 pages, yikes) tonight just being honest and asking for help. It was really hard to do. So in lieu of that I don’t really feel like doing anything tomorrow but going swimming, going to the dog park in the evening (aka the happiest place on earth), and then drinking wine together and watching House Hunters International and planning our adventures/life dream of living abroad. (We are going to make this happen; it’s one of the things that keeps me going in life.)

It’s weird, I have such hope for the future. I just feel in misery in the present. I don’t have hope for the present. I am sometimes afraid I can’t make it TO the future.

Do you ever feel like that? Have you ever?

I almost feel like I am optimistic about the FAR future, but really pessimistic in the present and about the near future.

Anyway, in my note to B, I am asking for help in my everyday life. I printed off some copies of a weekly goal sheet template and tomorrow will really be my first official week of using it, although I did it some days last week. I feel like so often in my life, people have pushed me off on therapy as a solution to everything. I think therapy has it’s place, but real success in recovery comes from ALSO having an active support network at home that can help you keep connected and accountable to your goals. At least this is my theory and something I have never had the opportunity to try out that I really want to, have always wanted to. I am asking him to help me build up DBT, episode-free days by actively checking in on my goal sheet (where I would record these things) and talking. It takes a lot for me to ask this, I feel like such a burden. But I also think that talking about things proactively and ahead of the game causes so much less of a ‘burden’ than only talking to people in full-out crisis mode. THAT is overwhelming.

I KNOW that if I could even get a week under my belt, it builds SO much confidence. And that makes each consecutive day easier. Addiction has many forms and they are all the same. You have to break the cycle and build up a base of confidence. I need someone to help me do that. I can’t do it alone anymore, or just with a therapist that isn’t home here with me. I promised myself that I would write this letter today and give this approach a try.

I think writing a letter when something is hard for you to talk aloud about is such a good thing to do. It lets you collect your thoughts without them being AS convoluted by emotions like shame or anger.

On my goal sheet:

  • Creating a life worth living each day through DBT skills and episode-free days
  • Moving forward with the ABC skill: small steps to turn in my Master’s application and set up this volunteer job.
  • Taking my vitamins. 😉

As as update on the volunteer stuff:

  • I am attending an orientation on Wednesday to become a  tutor/after-school program volunteer for an organization that serves all of the elementary and middle schools in our area. What I have to do before I go is methodically go through each and every school (and there are a lot) and find which ones I could get to on the bus, and then rank them so I can figure out my first choice to tell them at the orientation. I would ideally like to volunteer Mon-Weds afternoons. I just have to keep reminding myself that by next week I WILL have a schedule! Go me for setting this up with small steps. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it.

Sometimes I consider joining BlogHer, a network I really admire, or something similar but I would definitely need more of a focus to my blog. They are starting a new pet network called BlogPaws that I am really interested in. I would also have to get my own url…I think if I did focus my blog on something, it would be teaching others DBT skills and something about dealing with unemployment and disability.

Picture I took recently in the San Gabriel Mountains

Okay, I just LOVE this picture! 🙂

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10 thoughts on “Optimism/Pessimism and the Near and Far Future

  1. how many times have I already said that this is the cutest little dog ever? 🙂 I think I can understand the feeling of being pessimistic of the present and optimistic of the future. I have huge hopes and dreams for when I graduate at the end of the year, but until then I kind of feel trapped and that nothing is happening here. But I think you are so right in communicating with B what you need and what you need help with. I’m sure he can help tons 🙂

  2. Sorry I haven’t commented for really long, have been out of the blogging world for a while…
    That volunteering gig sounds really interesting 🙂
    I have been in a place where I felt like I was in a dark cloud and couldn’t get out. It wasn’t for a huge period of time though (started to get better after about 8 months). When I think about it, I also felt hope for my far future, but kind of desperation for the near future. I think the key is to KNOW that this is temporary – you are not your current state of mind or health. And to feel that the far away future is getting closer and closer. In some way I think that knowing what an emotional hole looks like from the bottom, and managing to work our way up from it the hard way might actually give us skills and a deeper appreciation for life once we get up. The real you is hiding in there and just waiting to come out again! Just have patience and continue to work on yourself, it’ll all be great 🙂 You can do it!

  3. I could of written this post…well, except for the marriage and B. part…and the pup – I wish I had the pup though! BlogPaws sounds so interesting! Cute. Man, oh man “look forward to the future but hate today”. Yep. Exactly. Exactly. Hence why I continue to make the same mistakes day after day.

  4. I LOVE the idea of volunteering at an after-school program. I hope you can find a school that has a manageable commute so that you can make it work… it sounds like it would be very beneficial not just to you, but also to the kids you end up working with. Win-win!

    ADORABLE picture!!

  5. I could have written this post too! Amazing how much we have parallel thoughts.

    I am unable to live in the present because all I can think about is how much I HATE Los Angeles and how much I can’t wait to get our of here, whether it be short-term or long-term. It consumes me, I tell you! And poor Ali listens and nods his head and says he’s working on it and I know he is but somehow that just isn’t enough to get me to focus on today instead of the future.

    Anyway, I know where you are coming from. I have no words of wisdom just the fact that I can relate. Hopefully both of us are where we want to be. And soon.

    • I’m so sorry you are hating LA. I think where you live has such an effect on things. I like Southern California right now (although I don’t think I would like living in LA proper either), but when B was in the Army we lived in some pretty shitty little Army towns and it SUCKED! If Ali is working on it, just know it will happen! But I know that’s easy to say and I know exactly what you mean by not being able to live in the present because you just thinking about what you want in the future!

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