I wasn’t going to blog today, but…here I am. With a sleeping puppy beside me and a shot of Bailey’s next to me on my nightstand that I am sipping on (a little nightcap if you will, it’s delicious).
B actually has tomorrow off so that’s nice. He wants to go to a friend’s BBQ but I don’t want to. I’ve been having a hard time lately (uh…always, it seems, but really this past two months) and I wrote him a long note (6 pages, yikes) tonight just being honest and asking for help. It was really hard to do. So in lieu of that I don’t really feel like doing anything tomorrow but going swimming, going to the dog park in the evening (aka the happiest place on earth), and then drinking wine together and watching House Hunters International and planning our adventures/life dream of living abroad. (We are going to make this happen; it’s one of the things that keeps me going in life.)
It’s weird, I have such hope for the future. I just feel in misery in the present. I don’t have hope for the present. I am sometimes afraid I can’t make it TO the future.
Do you ever feel like that? Have you ever?
I almost feel like I am optimistic about the FAR future, but really pessimistic in the present and about the near future.
Anyway, in my note to B, I am asking for help in my everyday life. I printed off some copies of a weekly goal sheet template and tomorrow will really be my first official week of using it, although I did it some days last week. I feel like so often in my life, people have pushed me off on therapy as a solution to everything. I think therapy has it’s place, but real success in recovery comes from ALSO having an active support network at home that can help you keep connected and accountable to your goals. At least this is my theory and something I have never had the opportunity to try out that I really want to, have always wanted to. I am asking him to help me build up DBT, episode-free days by actively checking in on my goal sheet (where I would record these things) and talking. It takes a lot for me to ask this, I feel like such a burden. But I also think that talking about things proactively and ahead of the game causes so much less of a ‘burden’ than only talking to people in full-out crisis mode. THAT is overwhelming.
I KNOW that if I could even get a week under my belt, it builds SO much confidence. And that makes each consecutive day easier. Addiction has many forms and they are all the same. You have to break the cycle and build up a base of confidence. I need someone to help me do that. I can’t do it alone anymore, or just with a therapist that isn’t home here with me. I promised myself that I would write this letter today and give this approach a try.
I think writing a letter when something is hard for you to talk aloud about is such a good thing to do. It lets you collect your thoughts without them being AS convoluted by emotions like shame or anger.
On my goal sheet:
- Creating a life worth living each day through DBT skills and episode-free days
- Moving forward with the ABC skill: small steps to turn in my Master’s application and set up this volunteer job.
- Taking my vitamins. 😉
As as update on the volunteer stuff:
- I am attending an orientation on Wednesday to become a tutor/after-school program volunteer for an organization that serves all of the elementary and middle schools in our area. What I have to do before I go is methodically go through each and every school (and there are a lot) and find which ones I could get to on the bus, and then rank them so I can figure out my first choice to tell them at the orientation. I would ideally like to volunteer Mon-Weds afternoons. I just have to keep reminding myself that by next week I WILL have a schedule! Go me for setting this up with small steps. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it.
Sometimes I consider joining BlogHer, a network I really admire, or something similar but I would definitely need more of a focus to my blog. They are starting a new pet network called BlogPaws that I am really interested in. I would also have to get my own url…I think if I did focus my blog on something, it would be teaching others DBT skills and something about dealing with unemployment and disability.