It is enough

This is enough right now.

It is enough right now.

Where I am is enough right now. It is enough to do my skills with. It is more than enough to build off of.

It is enough to just do my DBT skills, live, breathe, and BE them.

To let everything else not be perfect, but to do that. Because when I do that, when I cope positively, I can handle the other things. They fall into place. I can do the little tasks; they just come.

Tomorrow is Wednesday. And then it is Thursday, the weekend. I can get through tomorrow/ I can make it a great day like Monday, but better because I will carry it through.

There are some things I need in my life. But I also have to change how I think. It is a little of both.

The thing that needs to change in my life is that I need a job/some work to do/intellectual stimulation. Working on that, I hope something comes of the things I am working on. For one of those things, I hope for the concentration to do it! And the faith in myself. I cannot be fully happy until I have this thing.

But I can be doing okay. I can stay strong with my skills enough to actually work on the above. I want to be proud of myself again. Thus, the other thing I need to change is in my mind. I think my problem is that I am afraid of myself. The more I think about it, the more I know that is true. I am terrified of myself, of my actions, of what I will do. I feel like I get carried away with negative coping mechanisms before I can stop myself, and so I spend all day being afraid that will happen…until it does because I am thinking about NOT doing something non-stop (or thinking about how things will never change so much that they don’t because I work myself into a state about it and I can’t work on anything to move forward).

I get overwhelmed so easily. I want it to be okay to be me, but I don’t want THIS thing to be my reality anymore. I don’t want this thinking, this self-hatred. I want to focus on me and what I want to do, not what some collective ‘THEM’ thinks that I imagine up in my head. I can’t get away from that lately, but I have to somehow.

Tomorrow I will:

  • Call the advisor back.
  • Figure out our electric bill
  • Call to find out the status of my other bills

Those are my three things. My three tasks. And I will clean up around here. I can do those things.

Tonight I will read and do things as they come and KNOW I will do those things in the morning.

Tomorrow is Day 1. Another Day 1 but the Day 1 of now. It’s a set-up day, set up for a great weekend, which will set me up to feel proud of myself. I want to feel so PROUD and use that as my motivation, like I did in Fall 2009, when I took my lessons and used them. I am going to use those lessons again. I am going to be proud of ME.

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8 thoughts on “It is enough

  1. I’m terrified of myself too lately. It’s amazing how this little break-up has affected me/not affected me differently than I expected it too! My negative coping mechanisms include white chocolate, milk chocolate and dark chocolate, haha. Not good, not good at all…

  2. I am so PROUD of you! God you are a RockStar…seriously…I wish I had had your strength and willl…

    I could have written this – I fear myself. Exactly. I fear the binge…and I do it anyways…I go to the store and pick up those foods – why? why? Because I panic. I panic…because without that – as much as I hate, hate myself for it – and it hurts me and makes me vile…well, without that…what do I have?…

    I just don’t know anymore.

    I’m realizing though that waiting for life to get better by stopping binging – it isn’t going to happen.

    I NEED to get on with life anyways – even with the binges STILL happening – yep, even then – I need to move on and act normal anyways…and hope and pray eventually it’ll stop….

    Do you think I am really “damaging” myself though? My poor body?…

  3. I think this is a brilliant idea – take one day at a time and you can do it. I forced myself to do a impromptu speech at Toastmaster’s yesterday and guess what? I gave a good speech and felt like a million bucks afterwards. It’s the little things that lead to a whole lot more.

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