“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land, there is no other life but this.” -Henry David Thoreau
On Monday, I stayed in the present moment and I think that’s why I did well. Then yesterday I couldn’t catch my breath again. Today, I don’t even know what I want to do right now, my mind is still just spinning. I feel like every day I do the things I shouldn’t do, a little bit of my hope is chipped away, and I get more lost. It’s like I SEE so much hope, but I don’t know how to get there.
Change is never easy. You fight to hold on and yet you fight to let go.
I just feel really alone today. I want to write so many things and just type, but I can’t articulate well. I even tried to talk to B today and I just couldn’t even describe what I wanted to say or what I need. I just know I am in a hard place again with certain things. My mood isn’t too bad, and my panic attacks aren’t like they were 6 months ago, but the anxiety is slowing getting worse again, and my behaviors are as bad again, and I’m scared. I have hope still, like I said, I just don’t know how to get there.
I DO know something that it would really take to get me there: have a more defined schedule/something to work on/something to do.
So I am working towards starting nursing school either in August or November…trying to get everything together and set up the disability accommodations part. But I feel like I don’t believe that I am going to get to go, it doesn’t feel real. If I did believe it, if I could just be patient, maybe I could be relaxing right now and consider this my summer break before I have to work really hard for the next year and half to two years.
I am so scared to go back to school. I am still ‘deciding’ kind of. I know I need to…I think. My brain goes back and forth. What I do know is: it is going to take a lot of bravery to do it, I am going to have to be really brave. But if I don’t do SOMETHING (get a job, school), I will just keep dying inside and fall so far down that I can’t drag myself back out. I felt like I had climbed out a lot in the Spring, enough so that if I got a job, I could have functioned well and then kept going on my steady improvement. But that didn’t materialize and then I got less busy after the move and transition, and suddenly I was just here again, in limbo. I am sick of being in limbo.
When I think I can do it, I cry with relief. When I get overwhelmed, I think I can’t do it. But…as I type this out, I know the answer to my own question. I just have to believe in myself, and fight so hard, and that’s so scary. But I want to be ALIVE again. I want that more than anything, to feel alive again.
I am going back to therapy. I set up an appointment, but I set it up for the wrong day, so I have to call back today again and change it. If I just get that one thing done today, I will feel like I accomplished something, I will feel so much better. I wish I could talk to real people in my life more, but right now that is hard for certain reasons. That’s so hard for me, but it’s part of their privacy I won’t go into.
For a long time, I didn’t want to go to therapy again (since we moved here). I just didn’t need to. Then I wanted to but didn’t feel like starting ALL over with a new person. Now I want to and need to so badly, and I am actually looking forward to it. I just want to talk to someone and make a plan. And I feel like I have seen so many therapists, I know how to tell them what works best for me by now. I also don’t really even care if they do that perfectly at first. For some reason, I feel like I won’t put so much pressure on it this time.
I just need to get out of this whole. It’s such a bad cycle. I just want to find me again, and feel alive again (like that glimpse I got last weekend in San Diego…I want to feel like that all the time).
I don’t know how to get from here to there. I don’t know how to get there and stay there.
We just need to be brave today, just for one hour, and hold on and keep going.