“I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.”
~ Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear, Dune series of books, written by Frank Herbert
I really think I will do this nursing program, contingent upon financial aid and disability accommodations. I am meeting again with an advising counselor there on Monday.
It has just become apparent to me that I need to do something. I have to.
I can’t keep going with no direction. Honestly, just having this option is relieving to me.
I am reading “A Clash of Kings” by George RR Martin, and one of the characters, Arya, keeps saying, “Fear cuts deeper than swords”. The quote is actually more from the first book in the series, “A Game of Thrones”. She is an eight year old girl who was taught this by her fencing instructor. I love that line. It means that if you let it, your fear will be more powerful than anything else and has more of a capacity to destroy you than any real danger. I think that is so true, and I am tired of it happening to me.
It’s late, and I can’t sleep for some reason. I finally got a chance to talk to B about some things today. Finally. He works so much during the week, and at odd hours, that we don’t get a chance to have serious conversations much.
We talked about the struggle I am going through again right now and my relapse with things. We came up with a plan that I wrote down, mainly that I need to: a) start doing my DBT skills cards again and recording/focusing on skills, b) remind myself that if I get through just one good day tomorrow, I will be able to set up a pattern of doing well again and having a routine, and c) allow myself, for just one week at first, to be okay using my anxiety medicine and not worry about that so much.
We also got a chance to go over the nursing school stuff. I also told him just now that I am planning to go there contingent upon the two things I discussed above, and if I keep getting a good feeling about it as I continue to find out more.
It just makes me heart leap to think of having something to do, of being able to use my brain again, of feeling fulfilled and proud of myself, of setting up a career for ME. If only now I can get over my worries about the money and my disability!!!
Tomorrow I will start my diary cards again, with the initial goal of keeping the behavior to under 2 times/week and not using other things to cope that I shouldn’t be. I want to make it this one week without that and with my medicine and with slowly exploring this nursing school and setting up a good routine again. I still feel thrown off after our Seattle trip. Traveling is so hard on me. I don’t want to do either negative coping behavior this week. I just want to stay safe.
I just feel comfortable with the plan we made. The main thing is that I don’t feel so afraid of tomorrow now, still do a bit, but have a little confidence now.
The only time you can be brave is when you are afraid.