I get ideas for posts, actual ideas, of wisdom I hope to share and explore, and I don’t always end up posting them but I hope this ones makes sense because it’s a good one.
Life, the experiment.
This is something that has been TREMENDOUSLY useful to me in the past on certain days, but that I hope to cultivate as a philosophy that I hold on to for awhile right now.
I have a book that talks about treating your recovery from an eating disorder as an experiment. To explain: Say to yourself, “I’ll try this for X amount of time, and if that doesn’t work, I can always go back to what I am doing now.”
Well, that kind of thinking works for me. It follows something I was taught in my DBT group almost two years ago (wow, can’t believe it’s been that long – that group changed my life, it is how I am here today). They talked about how when you are suicidal or think you can’t go one more day, just treat life as an experiment. Say to yourself, ‘I’ll just try life for one more day. If it doesn’t work out, I still have the option of exiting this life, but I can try it for one more day.” It gives you a sense of power, because, really, you always have a choice. It helps makes things not such a big deal, if you are just trying an experiment day by day. I have used this when I didn’t want to live anymore, but I don’t think you have to be on the suicidal end of the spectrum to use it. Like now, I am using it as an experiment to give up negative coping behaviors (saying, I can give up my negative coping mechanisms for one week, and giving myself permission to use them again when that week is up). I am using it as an experiment to not take everything so seriously. To just take care of myself the best that I can and make it to the end. Sometimes when I am having a really hard time, that is comforting. Just thinking that if I make it to the end of my life, I get a reward, and I just have to try to take care of me as best as I can until I get there. Everything won’t always be great, but I have to make things as pleasurable for myself as I can (ie. in each moment, don’t hurt myself more than life itself is already hurting me, don’t beat myself up). I should enjoy as much as I can because I am here and that’s how it is.
I want to participate in life.
Why do I feel the need to do this? Ugh…disclaimer: I am not an expert on anything, although I think I am, so don’t blame me for anything.
Had a good trip to San Diego this weekend. In some ways rough, in others really awesome. The best part is that it taught me something about myself and I came back yesterday with a really good sense of what a full life we have that I CAN be present in and fully grasp. I came away with a good sense of how to grasp it to. Having this full life doesn’t mean that I won’t struggle with frustrations about my medical illness and unemployment and boredom (and that makes me sad, that that part won’t go away), but it means being PRESENT in my life, the many full and great things my life with B has in it.
Some pictures from the weekend:
Okay, so as ya’ll may or may not know from last summer, I have been to San Diego many times because my grandparents have property there, but we went on a harbor cruise of San Diego harbor and it was awesome. I hadn’t done one since I was about 13 and we usually just go to the beach when I am there with my family so I had never been downtown or anything. The cruise was gorgeous. We were out for an hour and saw the south part of the bay (Coronado island, the naval shipyard, etc). You could do two hours and see Point Loma and some more scenic stuff on the north side as well.
PS – Watch this! It’s awesome… makes me wish I had read the books first…I never watch something before I read the books but DVR is awesome and I am trying to let myself watch more TV (seriously) and I got hooked on this show.
Does anyone else watch? Fantasy isn’t my normal genre, but yeah, it’s good.