I’m tired of being afraid. This has been an increasing sentiment over the last week and really was set in stone today.
I am tired of being afraid of every little thing, that I am dying, that I am doing everything wrong all of the time (questioning this, analyzing this, wondering). So I am going to force those thoughts out of my head now, physically square my shoulders and move on.
I am trying to look at the usefulness of things.
For example, I had to go to the doctor today. It sucked. I came out of there very depressed and afraid. I don’t want to start over with all new doctors now that we have moved her. But I am telling myself that I had to go to get refills on my prescriptions, and I will see a new doctor later (hopefully one that I will like better).
For another example, we went to the animal shelter today. You all know I have been hoping to get a dog. We visited with the sweetest dog named Margo, she was 5 and just so sweet. She was an Australian Shepherd mix. She would sit, roll over, shake. She pulled me on the leash when we were outside with her. I knew then that we couldn’t get her. I don’t really believe in having dogs in apartments anyway, I guess. Not big dogs. But if I could walk, I could take her on lots of walks and she would be fine in an apartment. Or, if we had a yard, I could play fetch with her and we could take her to the dog park on the weekend and find other ways to get her exercise. So, we had to leave without Margo. I felt stupid for even going there. I feel sad.
But, again, the ‘usefulness’ or ‘purpose’ of that visit? Something can come out of it for Margo: for 15 minutes, she got to get out of her cage and play outside and be petted by people who are nice to her. I hope that is something.
I guess I will have to wait to get a dog until we get a house. I just feel sad today. I want to be brave and stop being afraid and do the best I can though. There are so many happy things in my life, and I just want to stop beating myself up in my head. I just want to keep going from here.