Restless again

This week and last…the restlessness is back. I am going crazy. I have cried and screamed, both literally, in frustration today.

I want a JOB, I want to use my BRAIN. If I can’t get a job and I am stuck at the apartment, I want to be able to WRITE and use the computer as much as I want again. I want my body to get better. I want the pain to go away. I feel physically AND mentally restless.

I think I was busy with moving, which was stressful but really nice. I had something to DO. Now, we are all settled in, and I am left with this unfulfilled, restless feeling again. I don’t know how to handle it. I just want to turn to negative coping skills. I don’t know what to do.

I have so many ideas in my head, but there are so many barriers. I get so frustrated and I can’t think straight anymore.

I am seeing a new doctor next week. Just an internist to get his opinion and get referrals to a neurologist and rheumatologist here. I pray they can figure out what is wrong with me and that I can find an opportunity to work again and pursue my dreams.

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8 thoughts on “Restless again

  1. Oh my god Katie. I Feel the EXACT same way. I NEED money….I am so so so worried…and people look at me with disgust…but honestly a) my body is really really not well…like people that judge me truly don’t understand that its a true true thing…i don’t understand…i mean they don’t go into a hospital and sneer at people….yet, i am so so judged…and b) i need income..i need to pay all the bills, loans, rent, groceries, etc…i am severely severely worried.
    And it is NOT NOT good not having money…NOT good…i NEED a job so desperately. Like, people think “oh you have all this time”…NO i don’t…i spend all my time sleeping because i’m utterly exhausted (i literally MIGHT go for one walk a day…i’m so so not well)…and with this “time” its just all job-searching, worrying, worrying, looking and searching everywhere desperately…i cannot concentrate to read or write or accomplish anything at all…i find myself then just watching tv at night…and eating way too much and the wrong things just because….i’m so lost Katie…I TRULY understand what you’re saying.
    I’m visiting my friend tommorow to chat a little , she invited me over…and hoping to just feel some calm and peace from her…I just can’t function…and I’m so …ugh…like my whole body , internally and externally , is literally unable to function…I feel this pain and discomfort all the time…what is like to be NORMAL??? what???
    god, don’t judge me…i don’t want to be this way, i don’t.
    I’m fighting fiercely to be positive and thankful…i repeat affirmations in my head 10x a day in an effort….but its like i’m not believing it…maybe i need to force it more…but its just that i literally sit all day and my mind is so frazzled and worried, nothing gives…ugh..so sorry for this novel comment.
    Its just warming to see someone else relates (though u say it alot better than I). HUGS to u.

    • Not judging you at all! I truly hope you do find peace from your friend. And I know just what you mean when you say that people think you look fine on the outside so they don’t get it and judge you. Happens to me all the time. Have you been diagnosed with anything? I haven’t and that makes it even worse!

  2. And that last line you said…YES….i just need answers and health and function…i want my life back…i feel people judge me and assume i’m being whiny or lazy…i DO NOT want to be this way..i don’t…but,,,i guess no one really understands what its physically like unless their in your shoes, u know? I’m not a bad person. You are not a bad person. We have HAVE hopes, dreams, ambitions…but we’re just …ah, u know what i’m saying .

  3. Praying for you. Praying for me. Holding on for dear life as hard as I can.

    I hope you find peace soon. I hope I do. I hope the victims will stop acting like it and accept there are more than one. That’s all we can do…hope and pray.

    • I am NOT a victim…you don’t understand…how can you be forgiving to someone like Katie? But not me? why am I different and “useless” and playing a “victim”? I don’t want to be this way…you will never understand…my god, it hurts to be treated that way. Just stop judging me, stop it stop it stop it.

  4. My thoughts are with you my friend…I feel for you and hope that the doctors can give you some peace of mind sooner rather than later. In the meantime, take care of yourself!! I’m thinking of you…

  5. You have been doing so so well – your insight and spirit is amazing! I know you will get through this!! I hope the docs can help you figure this out.
    How is the dictation program working out? Would be so great if there were something you can use so you can write without pain

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