Had a really great time in Seattle.

Every year they have the Tulip Festival in the Skagit Valley. They have the festival, but you can also go visit the tulip fields any day this time of year when they are in bloom. We went and it was amazing, fields and fields of tulips blooming at the tulip farms. I can’t even describe how awesome it was. I didn’t get any pictures because I forgot my camera, but our friends took some so hopefully I can get them. B’s mom took some of us also.


It was a beautiful day there too. One of the most beautiful days I have ever seen up there.

The trip was a nice little break for me and a chance to just be busy doing fun things, distracted, in the moment. (Surprisingly, since I was really nervous about that trip.) Now that we are back home, I am struggling with the same things as last week, but sort of getting some clarity about what that is.

I think I was finally busy for a bit with moving. But now we are settled in here and I am back to wondering, “What am I doing?” and “How can I find my purpose, what fulfills me?” Sort of started panicking about that again lately.

I feel so physically limited on what I can pursue. All these things I want to do, but can’t fathom how.

And this is getting me into panic attacks again, self-destruction mode, and generally going nuts inside my own head. I can’t go back to that! I am trying to think about how to use the momentum I had with moving and coming here and use it to move forward.

I think I just have to see writing as what I can do right now. I just want to get into a frickin’ ROUTINE again!!!

I want it to look like: do cleaning, tasks, walks, volunteer work in the morning, go to the gym with B around noon, come back here and work 2-3 hours (with a couple of breaks) on writing or dictating when he goes to work, take off at 6pm and just make myself do other tasks/TV/Read/Walks/Relax (ie. no more writing), and then wind down and go to bed.

I just want my days to look like that Sun to Weds…so I can tell myself, “Hey, this is MY work week too, just make it through to Thurs and I can get out of the house and be busy and be distracted from my mind. Just fight through tooth and nail for four days.”

I want to do that this week.

And I want to make it through to Sunday.

And I want a reward.

And I want my reward to be…a dog.

And then I can have more strength to do it again the next week.

Wow, it makes me feel a lot better to type that.

Then I worry how I will remember it. I will write it on a notecard and put it by my computer. That usually helps me. And another notecard to use as the bookmark in my book. That helps too. I just want this. I want to do my part in doing this plan, but I also want my brain to be rational and remember this bigger picture. That is the part of the plan that I am afraid won’t work.

Maybe if I write it on the notecards, and tell people, and tell B, and write it down again. Yes, I will do those reminder things. Yes, I will.

Over and over.

Then I will feel better and can be strong and think clearly and can build from there. That last part is so important. It will seem to me like I am not getting anywhere, like it isn’t enough, but it is at first, it is all I can do. It is setting up myself to be strong. It is building a foundation and building from there.

*I did not edit this today so disregard the typos.


2 thoughts on “Tulips

  1. So much to say. I feel all flustered also hon. All uncertain and unorganized. And I have no eating control. I keep eating chocolate in large quantities day and late late night. What is wrong with me? I just wake up and start it all again. You are doing well hon…scream your desires and worries.

  2. I agree with you, having a routine can be so therapeutic sometimes! Just knowing what to expect and what to look forward to takes some of the anxiety away. It will be so nice if you do get a dog! I want to have a cat. I miss mined like crazy but pets are not allowed in my current apartment. Can’t wait until I change houses and find something more permanent that allows pets!

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