I am having a really hard day today…again. I am just so sad/angry about my anxiety just hitting me like this. I am not really sad about anything anymore, except for my nerve disease, which I am learning to deal with. I guess that is why I have a diagnosis of anxiety and panic disorder and have had it since I was 4 years old! I have to accept that it just comes sometimes and will be a life-long battle. It always has been. But I think I can do so much better and always improve my coping skills. I just want to have the upper hand in this fight. Do you know what that means? It doesn’t mean never having hard days, sad days, anxious days. It means HOW I COPE with these hard days. That is what differentiates a bad day from a good day for me; negative vs positive coping skills.
I am writing out a schedule/routine plan that I want to stick to for most days, that I think will really help. I haven’t talked about this that much on here, but I also have a mood disorder (cyclothymia/bipolar type-II) and routine is so important for that.
I just felt so afraid today and I asked B to write me a plan for the day on a notecard. I was going to do it myself but then decided to see what he would write. Sometimes it really helps me to just give ‘control’ over to someone else (if you would even call it that), like just let someone make a plan or help me make a plan when I can’t think straight anymore. It used to help me so much when my mom would tell me to just go lay down and she would bring me tea. For some reason, that just makes it okay to me to rest and shut off my brain. I sometimes need that validation that I have a lot I am up against and that there no reason to push so hard against it. I think that is okay. I want to work on having that within myself, but I think it okay to build that strength by having it shown to you by other people.
Anyway, he made me a ‘safe plan’ —> things to do to keep safe and get through the day, things that are comforting. There are little check boxes next to each thing.
My safe to-do list:
- Relax brain
- Hold your stuffed animals
- Love Self
- Make travel bucket list (local and world)
- Look at the pretty trees
My points: I have a ridiculous stuffed animal collection for someone who is 25 years old. Guess he thinks I need to take a shower? Haha. 😉 I DO need to love myself. Planning travel stuff and just thinking about it always makes me think of good memories and want to keep going in life. Sometimes I get too scared to leave the apartment, and then I feel so guilty about it, but I liked how it’s okay to just open the windows and enjoy the nice day just by feeling the fresh air and looking at the pretty trees.
This maybe all seems weird…??? But it made me cry today because I was in such a scary place and it made me feel so safe.
Do you think it would help you to make a mundane list like this when you just need to take care of yourself for a day? I think it helps me because I have such trouble relaxing and just making my brain and thoughts shut up!
Maybe I will make a honeymoon list for the travel part! Just off the top of my head, I want to go to the island of Martinique in the Caribbean really badly!
There are SO many blogs I want to read! But my arms hurt…so I can only do a few a day, but I always enjoy it.