This will be a depressing post, but I just want to write it anyway.

I am so mad today. I am so stressed about some bills I have, and how one of them went to collections because I couldn’t pay it. Even more maddening is that I paid half of it and the rest is money I don’t even owe; it is an insurance mistake. But the provider wouldn’t let me set up a payment plan and wouldn’t return my calls and now it’s at collections and they bug me 4 times a day. I am trying to get it straightened out this week.

But it will take a long time, and the collections people don’t really care about the insurance thing. They just want their money.

I got so anxious about this yesterday and then I couldn’t sleep. But I woke up today determined to just start tackling this and getting my other financial stuff in order. I started with the latter and made a lot of progress. At some point, I just FREAKED OUT about the collections bill and panicked. I got so angry that it is taking up all my time during my last week at home, when I would rather be reading with my dogs, and enjoying dinner with my parents instead of only talking to them about advice for this.

I kept trying to stop obsessing about it, but I couldn’t. And I finally just messed up and did the thing I am not supposed to do to deal with it. And now I am angry at myself and at the world. And more than that, scared. I just want this to go away, I want to beat it, and I try so hard but sometimes it seems out of my control. That is what I am afraid of. I am afraid of this monster getting me. All the time I am afraid of this. I don’t know what to do today. The more I think about it, and how it is going to ruin this evening with my mom, I get more and more distraught. I am so scared that it will always have control over ME. That I won’t ever be strong enough to do the right things.

I just keep saying out loud, to God or Life or whoever, “Please don’t let it get me anymore.” I hate my panic attacks. I hate when this happens. I am so afraid of my anxiety. I don’t know what to do today. I hope tomorrow is better.

I asked for Life to meet me half-way — give me a few things I NEED to even remotely do well, and then I would do the rest — and it has, mostly (except the job part, I have B back and my own home now). But I am afraid I won’t be able to do my part, even with those stepping stones to give me more happiness in life. I am afraid it will still get me. And then the more afraid I get, the more it makes me even more anxious, and then the thing I am afraid of happens.

I just hope I can do the right things the rest of today and do better tomorrow. I just pray, pray, pray. So many great changes have come into my life lately, why am I still afraid?


8 thoughts on “Please…

  1. Hey girl! Just wanted to pop over and say hi. Take a deep breath! I know bills can be painful..I have medical bills from the finger accident coming out the wazoo! Trust me! But it will be okay. I promise. Whenever I feel like I am starting to lose control I write. I get it all out of me. I don’t need those nasty thoughts in my head! It looks like you did that right here. Hang in there.

  2. Sounds scary, but think of how strong you will be when you are through all of this darkness… breathe, smile, laugh, cry, and if all else fails, spend some time in the sunshine. It’s impossible to be sad when it’s sunny!

  3. This sounds stressing… enough to put one’s stomach into knots! I get mild anxiety sometimes, and writing does help. But hey, instead of seeing it as taking away from your time with your family, you can try to see it as a blessing that you get to have your family around you and draw strength from them as you sort through this!
    You can do it! 🙂

    • That is a really good point Elin! I was actually thinking about that last night, how glad I am to be near my mom to get advice for this. She is an accountant and knows a lot about that sort of thing.

  4. Aww, I’m sorry I’m just now seeing this. Sometimes stress can get the best of us…it happens. Try not to dwell too much on what happened, you are only human.

    I had to fix my husband’s credit 10 years ago, so I know how ruthless those people can be to work with. It’s not fun at all.

    Hope you went for a nice swim at the end of the day! That seems to be a great outlet for you. Just remember things could always be worse.

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