This will be a depressing post, but I just want to write it anyway.
I am so mad today. I am so stressed about some bills I have, and how one of them went to collections because I couldn’t pay it. Even more maddening is that I paid half of it and the rest is money I don’t even owe; it is an insurance mistake. But the provider wouldn’t let me set up a payment plan and wouldn’t return my calls and now it’s at collections and they bug me 4 times a day. I am trying to get it straightened out this week.
But it will take a long time, and the collections people don’t really care about the insurance thing. They just want their money.
I got so anxious about this yesterday and then I couldn’t sleep. But I woke up today determined to just start tackling this and getting my other financial stuff in order. I started with the latter and made a lot of progress. At some point, I just FREAKED OUT about the collections bill and panicked. I got so angry that it is taking up all my time during my last week at home, when I would rather be reading with my dogs, and enjoying dinner with my parents instead of only talking to them about advice for this.
I kept trying to stop obsessing about it, but I couldn’t. And I finally just messed up and did the thing I am not supposed to do to deal with it. And now I am angry at myself and at the world. And more than that, scared. I just want this to go away, I want to beat it, and I try so hard but sometimes it seems out of my control. That is what I am afraid of. I am afraid of this monster getting me. All the time I am afraid of this. I don’t know what to do today. The more I think about it, and how it is going to ruin this evening with my mom, I get more and more distraught. I am so scared that it will always have control over ME. That I won’t ever be strong enough to do the right things.
I just keep saying out loud, to God or Life or whoever, “Please don’t let it get me anymore.” I hate my panic attacks. I hate when this happens. I am so afraid of my anxiety. I don’t know what to do today. I hope tomorrow is better.
I asked for Life to meet me half-way — give me a few things I NEED to even remotely do well, and then I would do the rest — and it has, mostly (except the job part, I have B back and my own home now). But I am afraid I won’t be able to do my part, even with those stepping stones to give me more happiness in life. I am afraid it will still get me. And then the more afraid I get, the more it makes me even more anxious, and then the thing I am afraid of happens.
I just hope I can do the right things the rest of today and do better tomorrow. I just pray, pray, pray. So many great changes have come into my life lately, why am I still afraid?