Things I am thinking about today – struggles and things worth noting…
Quick (I hope) run-down and process of emotions:
- Fear is, as always, REALLY getting to me. I am trying to process WHY. I realized today that I just carry fear in my heart about LIFE and also just carry about with me a fear of MYSELF. I am often not even afraid of any specific thing that I can pin-point. I think fear and anxiety have been the dominant emotions for me my whole life. My earliest memories are of staying up all night being afraid that a ‘robber’ would steal my blue blankie! This is odd because nothing acutely traumatic has ever happened to me. I had a great childhood. I have just always had this fear that is such a part of me.
- The specific fears I CAN think of right now involve worrying so much that other people won’t think I will do well with moving. But the thing is, I don’t really think that things could get worse, and overall they ARE better than before, even though behaviors still happening. I need to just become an adult, but I am scared. I am afraid of doing things on my own, but also recognize that that is the only way to really get anywhere. Still, though, I NEED other people to believe in me, my family and B too, and not be afraid, so that I can have hope and not be afraid. I am trying to just have faith though, and know that God is always with me. I have become a lot more spiritual lately.
- I hate when I am scared of myself, when I get so confused about what the RIGHT thing is. THAT is the main thing that is getting me right now. That is IT.
To clarify this last part. I want to stop analyzing every little thing to see if it is right or what I should do. I especially reference eating when I am talking about this. I feel guilty when I am hungry or when I am not hungry, which is a lot for the latter. I have always been a naturally thin person, but I sometimes wonder if there is some medical reason for my lack of appetite. Or if this is just me and I shouldn’t care about it. I don’t want to be doing anything wrong on purpose. I don’t want to feel guilty for what I look like, as I have my whole life. That is one of the main reason my eating disorder STARTED, ironically, I felt guilty I didn’t HAVE to worry about what I ate like everyone else, so I started worrying about what I ate. To assuage my guilt. And I was afraid that if I had something ‘lucky’ going for me, it would get taken away from me. (Major theme of fear in my life – I am always afraid that if I have something others don’t, that it isn’t fair, and at some point the universe will realize that and take it from me.)
This kind of thinking impacts my life SO much. The more I feel guilt about what I look like or worry that I am doing something wrong all the time with eating, the more my appetite goes away because I feel so afraid. I don’t know how to fix that?
I know I need to start looking at the positive, and I am SO HAPPY in so many ways. But I almost feel guilt or fear about being happy, like I don’t deserve it because I still struggle with some things, and like feeling happy means I am in denial or selfish somehow.
I know that my family gets so scared about me because I almost died of a potassium deficiency caused my a very low weight due to anorexia nervosa when I was 16 years old. And they aren’t privy to my thoughts and hard work now. But I still wonder how much I NEED to worry about myself. And then at the same time, I know that I can’t EVER move on without giving up worrying about them worrying about me and if I am doing everything perfectly with all of that.
I am not making any sense; these are just my struggles today.
+: BEAUTIFUL WEATHER AGAIN HERE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA!
I really think it will help when I get a DOG! 😉 I have my eye on this corgi puppy at the pound, but I am so worried that it won’t be here after I go home for a week this weekend…?! I want her so much!