I am so mad at myself today. I know I shouldn’t be mad when I couldn’t think clearly. It is natural to realize after the fact what I should have done instead. But I am still disappointed. I am still upset with myself.
I went to bed last night scared of today, and I woke up today scared of today. That’s not a good start. And then I guess I ended up letting the fear win.
I mainly got thrown off because I am isolated here at the apartment complex because I can’t drive. The apartment office said a few weeks ago that they started heating the pool AROUND daylight savings time. So I doubt they did that yesterday since it was Sunday, and I HOPE they are starting it today, but it will take awhile…the thing is, I don’t KNOW any of this! I just got so afraid that it WOULDN’T be open yet so I can have my normal routine, that I just let that fear take me away without even calling to check first.
I forgot so many things.
I forgot I could just fight through the day and just read and focus on being safe. I got lonely. I forgot that B will be home at 5:30. I think I forgot that part because just having him gone made me unconsciously feel like he was still deployed and I was all alone again. I forgot that if I can’t swim for ONE DAY, he will take me tonight if I want, and we are planning to go to Bally’s together tomorrow morning at 6am before he goes to work.I forgot that he would be home tonight and I have actually quite a lot of ‘set-up’ things to do at home today anyway.
I just panicked. I got so afraid, I couldn’t think straight. I just hope that
I just want to take these lessons and use them tomorrow. Of course, I am afraid I won’t. My mind starts being afraid of MYSELF, afraid I will do this every day and not be able to hang on. I just wish I wouldn’t get that fear response going that takes over me. It is so strong sometimes. Last night I couldn’t sleep because I was just shaking all over. My biological anxiety disorder has such strong physiological symptoms.
Anyway, right now I am lonely and still scared. I can’t wait until I get my dog, I think that will help me not be so lonely. It’s not weird to talk to your dog right?! Dogs are so important to me in my life. At my parents’ house, we have two golden retrievers and I miss them right now. They follow me around all day and no matter what is going on, I have to take care of them. I had a really hard time in college the first two years, and then the summer before
I also have to remember that I am doing this MUCH less here and much less lately, and the same problem occurs at home, so I can’t blame it on being here. It’s just in me. That strangely gives me more of a sense of control sometimes.
I think I am really struggling with becoming an adult, but I need to just accept that and move on with it. I know I am 25 years old. But I just started realizing that I will moving out of my parents house forever. I didn’t live with them in college, and I lived outside their house, kind of back and forth, after college. But I have lived there for the last year and a half, since summer 2009, almost two years. And I lost so much confidence living there, I started to feel more and more like a kid (non-adult). I still worry all the time about other people worrying about me. I forget I can take care of myself, or that it is time for me to start doing that, and to move on. So I am going to work on that. This is going to be my life now, and I need to set it up.