I forgot

I am so mad at myself today. I know I shouldn’t be mad when I couldn’t think clearly. It is natural to realize after the fact what I should have done instead. But I am still disappointed. I am still upset with myself.

I went to bed last night scared of today, and I woke up today scared of today. That’s not a good start. And then I guess I ended up letting the fear win.

I mainly got thrown off because I am isolated here at the apartment complex because I can’t drive. The apartment office said a few weeks ago that they started heating the pool AROUND daylight savings time. So I doubt they did that yesterday since it was Sunday, and I HOPE they are starting it today, but it will take awhile…the thing is, I don’t KNOW any of this! I just got so afraid that it WOULDN’T be open yet so I can have my normal routine, that I just let that fear take me away without even calling to check first.

I forgot so many things.

I forgot I could just fight through the day and just read and focus on being safe. I got lonely. I forgot that B will be home at 5:30. I think I forgot that part because just having him gone made me unconsciously feel like he was still deployed and I was all alone again. I forgot that if I can’t swim for ONE DAY, he will take me tonight if I want, and we are planning to go to Bally’s together tomorrow morning at 6am before he goes to work.I forgot that he would be home tonight and I have actually quite a lot of ‘set-up’ things to do at home today anyway.

I just panicked. I got so afraid, I couldn’t think straight. I just hope that

I just want to take these lessons and use them tomorrow. Of course, I am afraid I won’t. My mind starts being afraid of MYSELF, afraid I will do this every day and not be able to hang on. I just wish I wouldn’t get that fear response going that takes over me. It is so strong sometimes. Last night I couldn’t sleep because I was just shaking all over. My biological anxiety disorder has such strong physiological symptoms.

Anyway, right now I am lonely and still scared. I can’t wait until I get my dog, I think that will help me not be so lonely. It’s not weird to talk to your dog right?! Dogs are so important to me in my life. At my parents’ house, we have two golden retrievers and I miss them right now. They follow me around all day and no matter what is going on, I have to take care of them. I had a really hard time in college the first two years, and then the summer before

I also have to remember that I am doing this MUCH less here and much less lately, and the same problem occurs at home, so I can’t blame it on being here. It’s just in me. That strangely gives me more of a sense of control sometimes.

I think I am really struggling with becoming an adult, but I need to just accept that and move on with it. I know I am 25 years old. But I just started realizing that I will moving out of my parents house forever. I didn’t live with them in college, and I lived outside their house, kind of back and forth, after college. But I have lived there for the last year and a half, since summer 2009, almost two years. And I lost so much confidence living there, I started to feel more and more like a kid (non-adult). I still worry all the time about other people worrying about me. I forget I can take care of myself, or that it is time for me to start doing that, and to move on. So I am going to work on that. This is going to be my life now, and I need to set it up.


8 thoughts on “I forgot

  1. You have to have faith in yourself. You can always learn from different experiences and feelings and reactions. We can’t change them in the past but we do have the power to change them for our future. YOU can and you do have that power too. I have faith in you!

  2. Moving to a new place is so hard. And initially it can be SO lonely. The great thing about the Internet is that you always have someone ready and willing to listen to you vent. And you never have to be lonely because people like me are just an email away. Write me anytime. I mean that.

    • Thank you Ameena. That is so nice. I know it will get better. I keep reminding myself that if I am bettER and happiER than before, that is good for now. 🙂

  3. You are going to be so happy and feel so free once you become accustomed to being on your own again! I’m happy and excited for you!! It must be hard to miss your dogs but I guess getting one of your own gives you something to look forward to…

  4. Sorry, I’m just now catching up. I’m so behind on blogs its not even funny.

    Are you feeling any better since yesterday? I think once you get settled in and have a routine things will be easier. You JUST moved and are going through an adjustment period.

    Sounds like you have a LOT of anxiety. Do you have medicine for it when it gets really bad? I go refill my script next week. I’m way over due for some.

    • I am feeling better today, back in my routine. I love it here, but I always take awhile to get adjusted to things! I do take medication, I can’t handle SSRI anti-depressants, but I take clonazepam (brand name Klonopin) when I get panic attacks (true panic attacks, they suck!) and another mental health med that also helps with my nerve pain. Thank you for your support. 🙂

      • Yep, thats what I have too (Klonopin). Never could find an antidepressant that I liked either. I think I’m sensitive to the side effects or something. They all make me feel REALLY weird.

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