Purpose

Half-way moved in. Everything we brought in the U-Haul is pretty much organized. The bulk of our stuff, which was stored by the Army, won’t come into March 29th! We won’t even have a couch or table until then. Sloooow Army.

Anyway, I have many fears about moving here. I feel so much fear and excitement at the same time. Fear was really strong on Wednesday and Thursday. The fears are really personal but Thursday night I realized some things.

I think I got into this big worrying state. And I kept saying my worries out loud. Sometimes I think I get really bitter about some things and then I start taking it out on other people. I realize now I was doing that to B.

Anyway, he got really upset. Sometimes I forget that he really does have some level of combat stress and that I need to keep that in mind right now, not just think of myself all the time and depend on him taking care of me. I think war is war; it has always existed and always will. But sometimes it makes me sad, the effect it has had on many people I know. It’s like a piece of them is stolen. I always depend on him to have faith in things so that I can have faith. He always does have so much faith (that is who he is and one reason I love him so much), but in this instance, he is overwhelmed too and stressed about starting a new job and he needs the same from me: to have faith and believe in good things for once, instead of just dwelling on bad things.

After that happened, we were just laying in bed. He was trying to sleep and I was just crying. This sounds weird, but I suddenly just had this really spiritual feeling. It was like there was just a voice that came to me inside my head. And this voice said, “your purpose right now is to be good to him, to take care of him, to be the best person you can be in all circumstances, to be good to others…and to take care of yourself so you can do all of this”. You can call this what you want, but I had one of the strongest feelings I have ever had of God being there with me and with us.

I think we can have many purposes in life. I often feel so lost and directionless. So worthless even. But I felt, and still feel, so much peace after this happened. I feel such bravery. I feel committed to something. I feel like I, myself, can use the power of positive thinking. If I BELIEVE everything will be alright and be thankful, the fears won’t have a chance to take over me. Faith over fear, you know? All of that gives me confidence that I can do things on my own. It somehow gives me a sense of control, because I can control how I react to things.

So this is my purpose right now: to be a good woman and act with integrity. To some extent, also, to just set up our home and to write and do my volunteer work.

That is all for now. That is okay.

Some day, I believe part of my purpose will be to go to PA school and get a job and practice medicine in that realm.

But right now, this is my purpose. I have to push all thoughts of other people judging me out of my head.

I am just into personal integrity lately. I decided that at the end of the day, if I can do this and serve God by doing this, I have a purpose in life.

I know I will do some things wrong, but this is a start (how I treat other people and affect them).

I am sure I will have to remind myself of this again. We always have a tendency to revert back to the thought-processes that are so ingrained in us. It is hard to break them. But this good thinking is becoming more natural for me.

I am so excited about everything. I am focusing on that. I have fear everywhere in life, I can’t blame it on any one thing (like I like to do). I just have to keep going. And smile. And be proud of who I am (that part is hard).

Trying my best to explain all of this.

Do you ever feel this extremely poignant feeling about life? Like yesterday, I felt extremely happy and sad at the same time. I don’t know if anyone else feels that. Like I just FEEL so much, every little thing; see all the beauty and tragedy at the same time.

So thankful:

  1. The weather here is BEAUTIFUL!
  2. For seeing B’s cousin last night in LA. {Side note: it took us an hour to get there, and LA traffic is one thing that totally lives up to its stereotype! I thought I was going to have a heart attack.} We went to B’s cousin’s promotion party (he is in the Marines), met his wife for the first time, and saw B’s other cousin who drove down from Fresno.Great people. B is so loved by so many people and it touches me to see grown men that are his good friends get so emotional that he is home.
  3. I got all my dog rescue work done already for the day…I think. This crazy job! I work 25 hours a week on it and don’t get paid. Sometimes it is so overwhelming! But when I get overwhelmed, I just remember I am thankful for something to do.
  4. We got cable and internet set up in our new apartment…and I LOVE our new apartment. AND we have my bed here from storage, which I haven’t slept on in 3 years, and which is so comfy that I can even sleep with B in it!

 


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4 thoughts on “Purpose

  1. I’m so happy to hear you love your new apartment! It sounds like you’re having some big breakthroughs there… I can’t even imagine what it’s like to adjust to living with each other after all you’ve each been through. I know my BF and I will be going through that in May when he moves back, but to a much lesser degree. On the flip side, I LOVE LA!!!

    • Yeah, I never thought I would live in the LA area, but I love it! I have been to San Diego SO many times because my grandparents have property there, but this is my first time in LA.

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