One chapter closed, now in the middle, READY for the next one to open!!!
Yesterday was B’s last day in the Army.
It is kind of sad, kind of amazing. He has been with the Army for 6+ years.
If we could pick were we want to live, AND not move every 3 years, AND never have him be deployed EVER again…maybe it would have been okay if he stayed in, but alas, all of that couldn’t happen. And I can’t handle any of it. And he wanted out for other reasons too. So here we are.
I am doing terribly yesterday and today! I feel like I do this a lot right before I see him when I haven’t for a long time – just exhausted, no desire to fight anymore by myself. I just want when he gets here, for us to be TOGETHER now, not have to be seperated anymore. Or at least have an exact end date to that. We’ll see.
He is heading out to come here today (driving). Then next week we will go do some scouting in California. I feel like I am in limbo…still, like three-year-long limbo that I want to be over! I know there will be an end to the limbo, but I want to know when because I am having trouble taking care of myself because I am so frustrated and just have this fear going again. I need to try to be patient but I don’t know how to get back on my feet today and conquer this fear I have. The fear is really of myself right now, hard to explain. My mind is spinning. I just want to read and watch period dramas all day, which is fine and what I did yesterday, except WITHOUT the self-harming behaviors piece.
It’s like yeah, we are close, but not close enough…
I need it to be HERE! This is all very vague, and I know that, but I need it all to be here. I need to know that the hardest part is over and we can be together, that I can go to California and be settled. That I have joy in my life again, lots of joy, so much it overrules the fear for once. I NEED, NEED, NEED to feel alive again. I need it.
Self, just be patient a few more days, and then see what happens. 😉 I’m sure it will be okay. Just get out of this pit today, do good tomorrow. If he drives fast, he will be here tomorrow night maybe!