This is a post for me, to send my worries out into the world. I want to find out some way for the people in my life to know this.
My stomach has been a ball of fear today, so nervous I get nauseous, etc, etc. I guess I have to practice radical acceptance about this. But sometimes I don’t want to, I am angry and scared. I want to have hope. But I need to cope with it as it is too.
Today in my journal, I wrote:
“Can’t breathe, can’t breathe. So sick to my stomach. So need to release it, so afraid and so many worries. It’s all mostly my nerve disorder now, that is holding me back. If that wasn’t there, I could do so much and be so brave. I’ve learned so much. I want to use it. I would go out with friends and DRIVE, and go on walks, and just be out of the house all the time with volunteer work and French class. I could have finished my phlebotomy class. I could have been a phlebotomist. I could have two vet jobs by now. I could go to vet tech school and easily get in. I am so thankful that I can walk more now than since this started, but I just want to scream, ‘HELP! What chance do I have against everything with this going on?!?!’
I don’t want to be so dependent forever. I want to be free to have love AND take care of myself. I am still, almost every day for a year and a half, at a loss for how to deal with this. It is the huge source left of my anxiety, fear, feeling paralyzed in my life, my agoraphobia. I would BE a vet tech. I have no arrogant attitude anymore about what is below me.
I COULD SAVE MYSELF. How can I do that now?! No one even understands. It would be so easy to move out in Denver, to move to California, to travel, without this. I wouldn’t be afraid or whine like in Tennessee. Sometimes I just want everyone or someone to recognize all of this. To tell me I am brave, so brave. And that I will persevere.”
*Sometimes I just want to tell people these things. I want to tell them without having to hear them say “look at the positive” or act like I am whining.
I just want them to listen.
And then tell me I am brave.
And then hold me.
And that’s it.