My frustration is just reaching a peak today. I am so lost and confused. I wish I had a plan in mind. I am just LOST. I think I am just finally climbing out of emotional rock bottom, but some days I am still there and I can’t think straight or plan anything. I am almost just completely tired of thinking and trying to plan but yet not really being able to because I don’t know what is going on (or hitting road blocks). I just want to stop thinking and read my book for the rest of my days on this earth.
Sometimes I wonder, ‘what if I just did that for the next week and a half…just swim in the morning, read my book, walk, read my book, do nothing, think nothing.’ Maybe I SHOULD?!
It just feels like my mind and my worry thoughts run away with me and take control. I am frustrating everyone around me and I know it but I just want HELP making a plan for me. I can’t make any decisions sometimes.
So I think the only two things I really have to do are these: 1) apply to this one school program in California (we are 95% sure B is going to take that job) and 2) plan on taking my French class in March.
Then all I can do is wait and see about the school program.
Beyond that, I just want to stop thinking about everything. Stop planning so much, stop trying to accomplish all these things…and yet accomplishing nothing, and then worrying about that. Just live in the moment and every day: swim in the morning, do all my dog volunteer work, and then read all afternoon and evening (in the sunshine as we head into Spring).
I think I am personally finally at a point where I could do this, I am just worrying about everyone judging me.
I had this thought today: I don’t need anyone to fix me. I just need some circumstances to change so I can fix myself.
Maybe this is a way to do that. Maybe this is a way of both doing the couple things I can set up, and then changing my thinking and just being for the rest. If I don’t have that mental anguish…what bothers me? Answer: the physical agitation. Well then, I can pace, read, pace, read, alternate like I always do when I REALLY listen to myself. And that will be okay.
I think I can do this for the next week and a half. Just 10 days. Then B will be here again and we will be heading to California soon for a five-day trip to check things out. So for now, I just need to do this for 10 days. I think I can, I think I can.