No more thinking for now: my plan for mindfulness

My frustration is just reaching a peak today. I am so lost and confused. I wish I had a plan in mind. I am just LOST. I think I am just finally climbing out of emotional rock bottom, but some days I am still there and I can’t think straight or plan anything. I am almost just completely tired of thinking and trying to plan but yet not really being able to because I don’t know what is going on (or hitting road blocks). I just want to stop thinking and read my book for the rest of my days on this earth.

Sometimes I wonder, ‘what if I just did that for the next week and a half…just swim in the morning, read my book, walk, read my book, do nothing, think nothing.’ Maybe I SHOULD?!

It just feels like my mind and my worry thoughts run away with me and take control. I am frustrating everyone around me and I know it but I just want HELP making a plan for me. I can’t make any decisions sometimes.

So I think the only two things I really have to do are these: 1) apply to this one school program in California (we are 95% sure B is going to take that job) and 2) plan on taking my French class in March.

Then all I can do is wait and see about the school program.

Beyond that, I just want to stop thinking about everything. Stop planning so much, stop trying to accomplish all these things…and yet accomplishing nothing, and then worrying about that. Just live in the moment and every day: swim in the morning, do all my dog volunteer work, and then read all afternoon and evening (in the sunshine as we head into Spring).

I think I am personally finally at a point where I could do this, I am just worrying about everyone judging me.

I had this thought today: I don’t need anyone to fix me. I just need some circumstances to change so I can fix myself.

Maybe this is a way to do that. Maybe this is a way of both doing the couple things I can set up, and then changing my thinking and just being for the rest. If I don’t have that mental anguish…what bothers me? Answer: the physical agitation. Well then, I can pace, read, pace, read, alternate like I always do when I REALLY listen to myself. And that will be okay.

I think I can do this for the next week and a half. Just 10 days. Then B will be here again and we will be heading to California soon for a five-day trip to check things out. So for now, I just need to do this for 10 days. I think I can, I think I can.


9 thoughts on “No more thinking for now: my plan for mindfulness

  1. Some times, it is just better to let go of everything and relax. Everything seems clearer and better afterwards. I am sure you can, I am sure you can! 🙂 And B will be back before you know it.

  2. I know what you mean. It’s hard to stop worrying about everything sometimes. It’s like it takes on a life of it’s own or something. This might be a dumb question,but have you tried yoga? I have a few times in the past when I had a gym membership. I’m considering getting a yoga DVD to do in the mornings. I think that will help with some of my stress. Would your body allow you to try that?

    • No unfortunately, yoga and pilates hurt waay too bad to do, it sucks..and its kind of weird. I think I could incorporate some of the breathing and meditation part of yoga into my life though…

  3. I can relate to where you’re coming from, and I think your idea of stepping back from the planning and just relishing in the simplicity of the everyday is a great one. I know it’s hard, but in those moments I really try to remember that my life is my own, so on the off chance that someone else is judging me, it really doesn’t matter. I need to do what’s best for me at any given moment, on any given day.

  4. Sometimes Katie it’s scary how similar our thoughts are…seriously God I could have written this…well, minus the whole school and your personal situation thing, but y’know…;)

    You know I’m at rock bottom now and trying to push. Trying desperately.

    I am reading a book now – I’ll blog about it sometime – but I don’t want to feel pressure to have to write down every “aha” moment or things I’m learning – trying to just let it “be” and in the moment too y’know…but anyways, I highly encourage you to get this book.

    It’s called “Get It Done When You’re Depressed” by Julie A. Fast & John D. Preston. The Author herself is depressed, still is!, but writes how she pushes through it to just get things done. Because really…the depression is always going to be there. For a long while at least.

    Anyways – I should have wrote that on my blog I guess LOL – see I do care about you enough to write it out hey ? 😉

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