Yesterday sucked. I majorly fell off the wagon more than I have in the last three weeks with my new DBT plan. I am really proud right now about how I have found my focus again this morning though.
But yesterday I was just so sad. I missed B on Valentine’s Day. I had major anxiety that was going on to the point where I almost threw up it made me so nauseous. I was worried about someone. I became afraid of myself again, the most terrifying feeling. One thing I like about DBT skills training is the more I use it, the more that fear of myself goes away and I learn to trust myself again.
So I am getting in my routine today again. I have been enjoying how much more I have been doing it, the more I do it, the more it is natural. I want to dedicate the afternoons a lot (late afternoon when I get so anxious and restless) to working on my book more. Even just a page. Like I said, I want to start looking at writing as real WORK…that something will come out of it some day. (Don’t worry, my fiction is actually edited and coherent, unlike this ramblilng blog! 😉 ) I realized it doesn’t hurt so much to type as to use the mouse for some reason.
I think my nerves are healing. I can walk for 10 straight minutes sometimes now! I think everything I have figured out and not doing things that hurt helps.
So I want to accumulate positives and not think too much about what I am NOT accomplishing yet. I really needed to just survive B’s deployment. And now I really am planning. And we are very close to finding out where he will work next so that will help with planning. But for now, I have all my Denver plans.
Sometimes it helps me to think, what if all these people that I know didn’t exist, what would I do for myself right now?…and then do it. I realize so many of the things I worry about wouldn’t be there. Not that I don’t want them to exist, just that it helps me focus on myself and what I need.
Today is my sister’s birthday. We haven’t spoken in awhile. She is really angry at me for my mental illness and for how poorly I have done the past few years, and I know maybe she needs distance from me. But I want to reach out to her on her birthday. I am going to make her the stationary cards I make as a present and at least text her today. I love my family very much.
My goal right now is to accept people loving me, but more than that, to GIVE LOVE, not just expect them to do all these things for me.
I realized lately how much I recognize what love is by just receiving it and not by how I need to give it back too. It feels good to do things for other people. I am not saying I am a bad person, just that I rarely think about that and I want that to change. Too often I am so miserable that I get bitter about it, and almost want to spread the misery around. Like I am mad I am miserable, why shouldn’t they be too?
So what I want to do to give love:
- Use my skills for other people as well as for myself. So they don’t have to worry about me. So they can be happier.
- Focus what I can do for B while he is having a hard time after his deployment….which means being stronger (again, using my skills), and being positive. It means being patient. It means realizing he can’t totally take care of me right now, that he needs to take care of myself. And he has given me so much, that is okay.
- It also means using my skills so I HAVE something to give. I have to take care of myself, or I don’t have anything left to think of or do anything for anyone else.
- For my parents, I want to make their lives less stressful. I want to be kinder to them. I want to be up and about so I can clean and cook dinner for my mom, who works full time.
- For my sisters, it means be able to interact with them. To be aware of their troubles and give advice. To give an example of strength to them.
Do you ever think about how to give love? I feel like an idiot, but this seriously just occurred to me recently, that love is receiving and GIVING love.
What have you done to show love to someone lately?