Monday night was hard because I had a hard talk, and I hate when people are worried about me or kind of confront me about my mental health stuff. It really sucks. It actually makes me do a lot worse for quite some time, sometimes really worse depending on the person, but I recognize THEIR right as a human being to approach me when they are worried. Everything isn’t all about me after all.
Anyways, this has created so much MORE fear for me, but it has also motivated me in many ways and helped me commit to fighting hard today. Sometimes fighting harder just to prove someone “wrong” is okay, as long as it’s helping you in the end!
So yesterday I was thinking about when my mom and uncle talked to me in November, the goals I set out for treatment and everything. I realized I have almost achieved them all, and I was so proud of that.
I feel like no one gives me credit for anything sometimes, I mean they kind of do, but I feel so much pressure to be perfectly recovered and have no mental health issues. a) That will never happen because I have a biologically-based anxiety disorder and bipolar disorder! and b) that won’t ever happen anyways because no one is perfect.
But I know I can (and want to) do a lot better.
Right now I am so worried about what everyone thinks! I don’t think I have had a chance to do better since B got home from deployment and since switching therapists right before the holidays (so that I have only seen her 3 times). I feel like I haven’t even gotten to work with her yet. I can understand their worries, truly, because I was in a really bad place last week, but I would like to get a chance to work with her from here on out with this new motivation.
Yet, I also feel strong because I have control of my own life, and if people can’t see that progress is going to be slow and perhaps invisible to THEM at times, then that isn’t my fault! It’s just the nature of the beast. And I would like to give myself a chance to feel empowered and own my own life right now and work harder.
When I am in crisis, it is impossible to work on little things because all my therapy time is sucked away into how to keep me safe. There are LIFE circumstances that would improve my strength so that I am not in crisis so much and then I can focus on the bigger picture. I wish people would appreciate that. But I have found this new determination to show them, I guess, while at the same time giving myself permission to not have to explain it to them because when I know this, I know what will help me. One tiny step of improvement is better to me than going for too much, which leads to pressure, anxiety, and potentially crisis. I just do things slowly, it’s how I am.
But I totally understand what they are saying. I don’t want to go into that on here but I really, really do. I need to be here for others better too. So I am having a more positive attitude so people don’t worry about me, and that is actually making me more positive and helping me feel capable (‘fake it til you make it’ thing).
So at this point, I am actually doing some things so that I don’t have to deal with people worrying about me. Like see #1 goal accomplished below (*). It’s good that I don’t care as much about these things anymore, but also good in a way that I am doing them just so people will leave me the hell alone! At least I am don’t them!
Goals I made in November with my old therapist (for the transition and for myself):
Get a new therapist (because the old one wasn’t covered by my insurance) so I can go EVERY week, not just sporadically. Go talk to my primary care doctor and set it up so that I go in every month for a check-up – not even totally necessary even according to the doctor, but makes everyone feel better Get a new psychiatrist that I actually LIKE to that I will actually GO
Gain 5 pounds– I have a base weight of X that I have weighed for coming up on three years. I lost 5 pounds in November, totally stress, but then I was scared to gain it back for a little while. Well, I DID IT, and I feel okay about it. On the days I don’t feel okay, or I am scared, I just say, hey at least no one will bug me about that now!
- Stop b/p: Still working on this one, but I have more motivation now to prove everyone wrong and for myself, to keep my mind stable.
Work on my little goals: like eat more in the day, etc. Doing much better at this!
(The ones crossed off are the ones I have done. 🙂 )
See how well I did when you really look at it?!
Challenge #1: Swim – YES, at 6am! 🙂
Challenge #2: DBT for panic, b/p, everything – Did great! Skills used:
- Problem solving
- Effectiveness: Focus on what works
- Mindful to current emotion – recognized and took steps to deal with it positively
Challenge #3: OWN MY OWN LIFE – got a good mindset with this!