Reintegration and my heart hurts

Thanks G(r)eek Melie for teaching me how to do links. 😉 Hope they are working!

Now I just need to know how to set up a Google Reader so I don’t lose track of all the blogs I read!

Also, Heather told me that she just found all of my comments in her spam folder. I have noticed lately that a lot of blogs I leave comments on don’t have the comment show up after I submit it when it usually does. Are you getting comments from me? (I guarantee I am leaving them on all of your blogs!) If you aren’t, can you let me know and check your spam folder? Thank you! I don’t want anyone to think I am not reading when I am!

Connecting with blog friends is really keeping me going right now. Thank you everybody.

Yes, I am having some hard posts lately. I am having a hard time. After what ended up being a great week with B in Kentucky, I have crashed really hard at home. At first I just didn’t want to be home and that was hard enough in itself. Then B and I had what I would call a fight. We NEVER fight. I can’t think of hardly any fights that we have had in the three years we have been together.

I don’t know what is going on. I just know that it is devastating to me to feel disconnected. I know that he is having a hard time re-adjusting to coming home (normal). Yet, he is so happy to be home. But I have all these other feelings that he isn’t having that are confusing me and frustrating him because he really, really doesn’t understand.

People say that when they come home from deployment, it is often harder than when they are gone for a little bit. I definitely see that for me. I wish he would see that that is okay. It’s because we aren’t together yet. I am still here in Colorado. I keep telling him that no relationship is perfect (not with you mom, your sister, your friends, anyone) and that it’s okay, but he seems to expect that. I feel like I am working on telling people how I feel but it keeps backfiring on me. I just want to still feel like his princess. I don’t want his patience to be so short with me. If he would just be patient with me, I guarantee I could step up and be stronger so that I can take care of him right now. I am trying to balance being a good person with being angry at being hurt and at hurting in general, not letting the anger take over.

I am just obsessing over this and can’t get out of bed. I don’t even want to talk to him on the phone because it is very hard for me. I don’t want him to give up on me or overreact. I am okay with texting. (I felt the same about the phone thing for about a month or so after he first deployed.) Yet, I miss his voice. I just wish I could feel okay when we talk. It makes me happy to talk at the same time; I would feel more hurt if he didn’t call.

I asked him what he needs from me. He said he just wants to hear good things and for me to be happy and excited about the future like him. But I am depressed right now and afraid. I keep obsessing over this, over feeling disconnected. I can talk about good things, but saying that made me feel like I have to censor myself and like I don’t get to talk about having a hard time, when he is usually my main support.  He said he feels like I have no hope and it is making him really stressed out.

I feel like I do have hope, it is just buried under all my fear. I need to hear nice things too. It’s like all my hurt from the whole deployment is just coming out now. I can’t stop crying. I feel so alone.

I feel weird talking about my relationship on here because we have a really good one and this is the first time ever things have been hard. I know it is just the circumstances though. I know we will get through this, but I am afraid for myself right now.

I just feel so hurt. I want him to know that I can be good to him and be there for him if he just gives me a chance, if he doesn’t just expect me to know what he needs without telling me. I told him that but it isn’t getting through somehow. I guess he just needs to focus on himself right now. But I need to be with him and to take care of each other. And I need patience from him. I feel so much guilt again, always.

I am just feeling SO insecure and I am even annoying myself. I don’t know how to stop being like that. I have felt like that since he got home, just really afraid because I am at the end of my rope and I just want the hard stuff to be over. I don’t know how to change my mind set.

Just to reflect, positive things I am have done/am doing to help myself:

  • Talking to other people. I called my mom today (even though I don’t feel like I can explicitly talk to her about the relationship stuff) and I am going to call my friend TM.
  • Eating tortilla chips just now and not binging. I know that seems weird, and I am always terrified of emotional eating, but I feel like I was hungry and it was okay to choose something comforting that was the only thing I felt like eating.
  • Watching reality TV. Ah, the world’s greatest distraction! Jersey Shore and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
  • Reading
  • Just laying in bed if that is all I can do.
  • Working on not catastrophizing myself and believing that all feelings will pass and this situation will get better if I talk back to my insecurities and just believe what he says (that everything is okay and he loves me). This one is hard for me to do but I am working on it.

I don’t know how to stop worrying or obsessing. I am trying, I am trying.

What have you done to take care of yourself today?

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4 thoughts on “Reintegration and my heart hurts

  1. Love that you are making an effort to do nice things for yourself! Finish it off with a bubble bath and you will be just like me, haha!

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