I just want to be me

Some questions I am asking myself:

  1. How can I use this blog to hold myself accountable for things?
  2. What kind of things do I want to hold myself accountable for? Answer: keeping a good routine, believing I deserve to manage my FM and mental symptoms through eating well and doing things I need to do without worrying about others
  3. How can I hold on to the confidence I built last week?Applying to the Master’s program I just decided to GO FOR.

Why do I learn so much when I am away from here only to lose it all, or most of it, when I come back home? There is something about living at home that is so detrimental to me that I can’t shake, no matter how much willpower and determination I think I have. It is something that has been there for 8 years every time I come back that is so ingrained and subconscious that I am tired of even trying to figure it out. I wish I could remember:

  • How I learned to not care about what other people think so much last week.
  • How I learned to love myself enough to eat healthier, eat gluten-free so I don’t feel sick, etc – without worrying I am doing something wrong or that other people will think I am weird
  • How to feel safe and relax
  • How to follow my good routine

I just want to own my own life. I just want to be me.

I struggle so much at home because I am constantly worrying about my family, always thinking I am doing something wrong, consumed with guilt.

I am so sick of it. When I away from them on a trip, I start feeling alive again, like I deserve to do things that feel good, like I can stop worrying about if these things are wrong.

I obsess over this guilt I have. I can’t get rid of it because in a way I know what I am worrying about is what they really think. It would be one thing to find out that it’s all in my head, but elements of it are not.

This is one huge reason why I dreaded coming home. I can’t stand having all these other people in my head, clouding what I need to do. I desperately want to own my own life, to live for me, not for them. This guilt is what is holding me back from that. HOW DO I GET RID OF IT??? I think it will involve me being selfish in a way. It’s not really selfish, but it feels like it is, and that makes me feel guilty.

I have to keep reminding myself of this idea I have. I didn’t ask to be born. I sort of don’t understand why people say you should show so much gratitude to your parents for “giving you the gift of life”. Life is not a gift. It’s a beautiful thing, there are beautiful things in it, but it is not a gift. It is what it is. It’s just life. So I deserve to live my own life. Because I didn’t ask to be here, but I am here anyway. I don’t mean I should be mean to my parents, or use them, but I don’t see why I have to feel guilty about not being perfect for the rest of my life just because they chose to have children.

I get so angry about this. I told B when I was in Kentucky that I wouldn’t care if I never saw my family again. I literally wouldn’t. This is very sad because they love me very much and are very kind to me and never meant to do anything wrong. But I can’t feel at peace around them. I would just be so much happier to let them go and get to experience joy without guilt. If I could know they were all okay, I would gladly give up never seeing them again. Just for more peace than I have now. But I obviously can’t do that.  So I have to stop caring about them somehow. I know that when I can move out of here it will be much better. And right now, I just have to do my best and push all thoughts of them out of my mind as much as possible. Because they are wrong; they hinder me. It’s not their fault necessarily, but they do.

No one knows me but me. No one knows my progress but me. No one knows the little things I work on but me. No one knows my thoughts but me. No one knows how much I struggle but me. No one knows how hard I fight but me. So when they judge me, I have to know it isn’t valid. I have to know they are allowed to have their fears because they don’t know everything, but that they are wrong.

Thinking about them makes me feel pressure, which gives me so much fear. I can’t be perfect. I don’t know why I can’t let this go. It is consuming me. I want to let it go more than anything and be allowed to live my own life. I know this probably makes no sense.

Go on youtube and look up Will.i.am’s Sesame Street song called “What I Am”. It always makes me smile and feel determined. I promise you will love it! 🙂

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2 thoughts on “I just want to be me

  1. Hey there,
    It is completely in your right to set your boundaries. Perhaps you can love your family and still keep them separate from your own life. You are allowed to live your own life, pursue your own goals, and be free from worrying about your family. This doesn’t mean you don’t love them — it just means that you love yourself, too. As someone wise once told me, you get to make your own rules. Don’t forget that.
    Hang in there!
    Tammy (Defining Wellness, and now, Palm Trees and Manatees)

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