Heart So Low

I’m back home.

My heart hurts so much.

It just feels like I can’t take anymore. I just want to be with him. I felt so happy and safe and now I feel worse and more afraid than ever. I just want to be with him. And also, I just can’t take the up and down anymore, being so happy and then having it taken away. I am so afraid.

I just want to go back there. I just wanted to stay. I just wanted this to be over. I don’t care that its not that much longer, it feels like I can’t keep going for even one more day. I’m so angry. And so sad. I can’t stop crying. And just so afraid.

I felt like I was starting to get back to myself there. I felt at peace. Then I came back here and the first morning I woke up here, all the same old feeling were back. All the terror and all the confusion. I feel lost again. My head is spinning. I just keep binging and I can’t even do anything to help myself. I don’t know what to do. I just hurt so much and I’m so angry that it was almost here but it’s gone again.

I’m so lost. I don’t know what to do now. I hurt so much, more than ever. I don’t even know how to take care of myself. I just want the fear to go away. I just want to be able to think straight so I can make good choices and move forward. I don’t know how to get there.

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5 thoughts on “Heart So Low

  1. This is a very difficult situation! Just think that the next time, you two meet it will be for good! 🙂 I know that after your time with your boyfriend your routine back home pales in comparison and you cannot motivate yourself to move forward again. But just try, force yourself if you have to, fake it until you make it. And never forget! Reach out for support when you have to. Real and virtual friends will be happy to be there for you! 🙂

  2. I do feel like “fake it til you make it” works! It helps me build confidence at least.

    I will remember that I can be with him for good soon. I just feel like I can’t survive in the moment sometimes, I get so low and then I get afraid.

    Thank you for your support. 🙂

  3. Oh hun, I am so sorry and completely know how you feel. I have been in a similar situation, he was what kept me at peace. I hope you are doing okay, and remember you are an amazing person, capable of so much all on your own. ❤

  4. The ups and downs are the worst… I feel for you and I hope that you get through the worst of it soon! I’m sending you all sorts of strong, healthy, happy thoughts!!

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