I am up so early because I couldn’t sleep.
So I just got up and made some coffee and a snack and now I am looking at jobs online in both Denver and Washington DC. It doesn’t seem like Denver’s job market is very good right now. There are hardly any “professional” jobs advertised, at least compared to what I am looking at in DC where there are a ton of jobs. I was looking in DC just because B. and I might have to move somewhere else depending on where he gets a job (although we are trying to be in Colorado) and DC seems a likely choice.
Anyway, I am just wanting a real career more and more —> so bad I can just taste it. I just NEED it. I am trying, trying, to trust and just keep applying. I feel like I am not very marketable (?) but I am trying to have confidence.
Also just SO frustrated about my nerve problems. I just feel so trapped, literally. I just can’t stop thinking about how SO many troubles would literally vanish if I could be physically able again. I have learned so much, learned to appreciate so many little things most people never think about, things I never thought about appreciating at all.
So I just want it all back! I want to be able to LIVE again! I can’t decide if it’s better to keep hope alive I will get better or if I should just radically accept that this is how I am now. I go back and forth between what is a healthier thing to do. I think it depends on the day. It’s just that each day is still as hard as the very first day and I just want to go on a walk and drive and not be limited. *Sigh* How not to dwell…working on that. I think it helps to focus on what is really not that different instead of what is different all the time. But I am so restless. I am the most restless person in the world and this is the hardest thing I have ever been through. I see that now.
I couldn’t sleep because I am in pain. It’s like I get these “attacks”. There is always some level of pain and definitely always limitation, but some weeks it gets a lot worse where there is pain at rest and that is annoying and scary to me.
I just want to pace around right now.
Worth (for yesterday): (When I feel worthless, I write in my ‘worth journal’)
- Applied to two jobs
- Cleaned bathroom
- Dog rescue work – tags
- Worked on book!
And what am I going to do to find meaning in today, to build confidence, to feel like I am working on something? Swim, work on book, clean, reply to volunteer e-mails (for new volunteer jobs), apply 2 jobs, dog rescue – contact new volunteers.
Happy New Year’s Eve!