Lost in therapyland

I am so frustrated with trying to set up care for myself!

My HMO doesn’t have any kind of intensive treatment program. I didn’t even want to enter something like that for awhile but now I think that I need to and would if they had one. But there is nothing so that is a moot point.

So I am left with once-weekly therapy, trying to find a dietician (they have no dieticians that work with what I need inside the HMO and only ONE they contract out with outside of it), and trying to find a new psychiatrist. I really dislike my current psychiatrist and I am so frustrated right now because I called to get a new one…so they cancelled my existing appointment…then said someone had to call me back to evaluate me and set me up with the right person…that was Monday…I have called back three times and have gotten no where. So now I have no appointment at all! It is just ridiculous. It is so hard when I can hardly function to set all of this up by myself. And it’s not just setting it up, it’s that they won’t even call back! The only light in this is my new therapist who is really nice and is going to push them for me today. I can call her to check in when I need to and that was really helpful today.

I usually hate all that bullshit about loving yourself. I am a cynical person and think differently than a lot of people about the world, I don’t know how to explain it. But for some reason today, I just LISTENED to her instead of being so resistant and it ended up being really comforting. I think I am most frustrated right now about my nerve disorder making me feel so trapped and how it inhibits my recovery so much/exacerbated my behaviors. The more I think about it, it was going on for so many years with the burning in my legs, even when I was healthy, and I just thought that was normal. Then it was really a big contributing factor to my relapse, and then a huge contributing factor to me making any progress against any of my three mental problems. So there is really something going on there and I want to know what it IS!

B and I made a deal that I would just start my Cymbalta though and take it every morning for two weeks. So I did that today. I think I need to take it right when I get up, with my coffee time. That way I start the day off right, making a good decision to do something to take care of myself, and then more good decisions will follow. That is what I will do tomorrow. I guess I have to remind myself that I can call my PCP if I have questions about it.

I just feel really alone. I miss B. I feel like he keeps saying “10 more days” or whatever it is until I see him, but to me, I have to wait until March for us to be together because he will still be in Tennessee until then. And he doesn’t have a job yet for when he gets out of the Army in April, although he has several good leads and is working with a junior officer recruiting agency. It just all seems so far away and like there is still so much to worry about. We are trying to stay in Colorado but who knows if he would get a much better job elsewhere. I just want our home and to be together, for my head to stop spinning, to feel safe again.

I just pray that I will feel better when B is home, that it doesn’t take too long to get things set up and rolling. He is leaving Afghanistan today, but they are so slow, he won’t be home for another week or more.

Positive note: Taking Zantac75 every time before I eat is really helping with my stomach aches! I woke up feeling fine the last two days, for the first time in MONTHS!

Good things today (Gratitude):

  1. I loved myself enough to try a new medicine that I was terrified of trying. It might not work, but I loved myself enough to try.
  2. B. is on his way out of Afghanistan! He is safe, he is mentally strong, he is amazingly brave.
  3. I heard back from 2/3 volunteer people and will follow up today.
  4. This medicine is making me feel calm right now.
  5. My dad and mom —> still thinking of my dad’s comforting words, and thankful that my parents are so good to me, that they love me so much, that they give me a safe place to stay and helped to pay for my MRI on Sunday.

2 thoughts on “Lost in therapyland

  1. LOVE YOURSELF! and keep fighting! It is tough and hard and challenging but you are doing awesome! Just know that depression and other struggles are not YOU; there is a physical imbalance happening with chemistry and biology. People don’t expect broken-bone patients to be physically active; try to be patient and don’t expect yourself to be perfect. You’re supported 100% and I am amazed you’re doing such a good job of seeking treatment! Keep it up and be strong!

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