Doing some writing tonight (see life goals page). I haven’t written in a while. I am looking back at some writing I did last February/March. It is actually really good, I surprised myself. I guess you have to step away for awhile. On one of them, I was writing about how I long for Spring. Funny how I feel the same right now, how it is my lifeblood, Spring and the warm days.

I look back on this year and I can’t believe it is almost over. Right now I can see that I have been so brave. I have been very alone, missed my love, felt more fear than ever in my life, dealt with a disabiling and mysterious medical condition which exacerbated my mental illness, lost my dog, remained unemployed, idle, and frustrated. And yet I have made it.

I spoke to three places today about volunteer opportunities and will be setting up meetings tomorrow (for out of the house). I get extremely anxious about transportation and leaving the house now, living here, but I can do it. I am so glad I followed up with them today and am moving things along.

One opportunity is really cool – narrating audio books for visually disabled people. Funny enough, I have talked to my dad a few times recently about how fun that would be, as we listened to books-on-tape in the car. And (don’t think I am crazy), I read aloud to my dog sometimes when no one is home to take my mind off things. πŸ˜‰ So I have to e-mail that lately back about my availabilty to tour the studio for narration and editing.

Anyway, I am writing, working on my book and short stories. I am really into historical fiction and am just typing away at a story set in the 1920’s (my favorite era!). It seems work to actually work at something like that. It usually feels like just a hobby, and to be honest I have rarely worke d much on writing like that – I have just thought about it. It seems so far-fetched to try to actually publish something. But I would like to do it. I would like to work on a medical career and then just go for that with nothing to lose.

I can see why wine and writing go together. πŸ˜‰ Creative juices flowing. Actually I am just drinking a gluten-free beer but still. πŸ™‚

This year has been so hard, but through it all the constant flow of love between me and B. We have gotten stronger than ever before. I feel sometimes that our lives had to go this way and that everything on the other side will be more worthwhile and beautiful because of it. I get to see him in 11 days!

I am sentimental right now. πŸ™‚

For all I whined about Christmas, I cherished the time spent with my grandparents who are staying here. They are very different (much more conservative) than my sisters and I, and I never felt like they were that involved in our lives as children. Yet, as I get older, I really appreciate them for who they are and enjoyed the time spent together this last week. My grandfather (my mom’s dad) has Stage 4 cancer — originally prostate but moved to his bones. My grandmother is very religious and asked if she could pray with me before they left today. She prayed that my MRI would help show them something and that I will find out what is wrong with me soon. It made me feel very special, and peaceful.

I have trouble being a faithful person sometimes, when I am in a depression, but that was special to me.

Anyway, on with my writing. This next year, I want to love myself, follow through with working on my dreams, and leave the guilt, fear,Β and worrying about what other people think behind me.


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