Raw

I am going to get my MRI today to see if there is any evidence of MS in my brain, prompted by all of my other symptoms.

Still really struggling with my stomach aches. My eating disorder is about 20% classic old body image-related and 80% fear of eating because of my GI issues So it is pretty atypical. I am getting so frustrated lately getting doctors and family especially to understand this. I do not try to lose weight (though I do have image issues with toning) and I do not binge-purge to try to lose weight or to avoid weight gain. I binge-purge because I feel sick after eating or am afraid I will or to deal with an already existing stomach ache/symptoms.

Ten years ago, at the onset of my e.d., and for the first two years of college, my eating disorder was much more classic: fear of weight gain and a control for my anxiety.

Then I got a lot better. Then 2.5 years ago, when I was doing really well and usually forgot I had an eating disorder, I developed all of these physical issues and they sent me back into eating issues for different reasons. After awhile, some of the original body image issues came back and now both things are involved. It’s too complicated to even explain all of it!

I know so many things that will help my stomach, though don’t seem to totally eradicate issues. Not eating gluten, and now I really realize dairy, have helped reduce symptoms by 60-70%. I have been diagnosed with gluten intolerance, and while I should get re-tested for Celiac’s with the more accurate tests they have nowadays, I do have slightly elevated levels of IgG antibodies that can indicate intolerances or may be related to the other autoimmune causes of my nerve and physical symptoms they are investigating.

My problem STILL (how many months have I been saying this) is that I let other people psych me out about these things, both in real life and when I perceive they are judging me. I am OBSESSING about other people worrying about me, not understanding my physical symptoms and how they started long ago, pre e.d. relapse (CAUSED the relapse). I can’t sleep or focus on myself at all to take care of myself because “they” are in my brain so much. I feel this obsessive need to justify and explain my health issues, nerve problems, stomach issues, eating issues, anxiety to everyone. But that is impossible. AND really unhealthy for me.

So I am going to make this my new year’s resolution. FOCUS ON MYSELF. DON’T JUDGE MYSELF AND DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE’S JUDGMENTS, rather real or perceived. Do what I need to do every day to feel my best mentally and physically WITHOUT JUDGMENT. This is MY life.

Do you have a new year’s resolution? I would love to hear them. I like to make one every year. I always make it just something to IMPROVE. Like with the one above, I am not going to get hard on myself if I judge myself or worry about others judging me, because that is guaranteed to happen once in awhile. I am just striving to improve the way I think about this, and really kind of shooting for the stars with eliminating it while still remaining proud of myself for any improvement.

Why the title “RAW” today? I just realized I judge myself a lot for my blog being raw. But that is how I am and I am going to let it be okay. I want to balance happy things with connecting with people on hard things with journaling to help myself.

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5 thoughts on “Raw

  1. I’m hoping and praying that your MRI went well…I think your resolution is a great one. I absolutely need to stop thinking about what others think about me – perceived or real. This is seriously my downfall! I need constant reassurance and it is a terrible habit.

    Crossing my fingers for you…

  2. I hope things are okay. That has got to be such a tough struggle to work towards overcoming ED, but also having to limit certain things to honestly FEEL your best and healthiest. I really pray you find that balance soon. And I don’t think you could pick a better goal! You deserve to do what works for you and your health, despite any judgment. Much love!

  3. I can so relate; ah my heart just goes out to you! Best wishes and I am hoping for only good news for you right now!

  4. Oh my God – I can SO relate to you about the anxiety and feelings of having to explain yourself to everybody! Oh my God you don’t even know. I hate that people assume or judge , etc. etc.

    I need to GET OVER THAT and just be me and do what I want and feel is right without worrying what others will think.

    Thank you for that.

    • I am making that my new year’s resolution! Just to reduce the guilt and worrying about what other people think as much as I can, live for myself, do what makes me my best.

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