My Christmas Wish

My only Christmas wish this year is to take care of myself.

That is my only Christmas goal. It’s really the only goal I feel I can manage until B. gets home.

I am so disappointed in myself today because I couldn’t even do that one thing.

Among the myriad of things I am judging myself for: I have no job, I live with my parents, I can’t even drive, I have no career, I don’t even know what I am working on, I even messed up the stupid dog transport I was organizing yesterday for my volunteer job. I have been a burden to B. this year. I am mean to my parents who let me live here even though I am such a pain. I am going to leave the house to avoid seeing my cousin tonight, I am going to stay home tomorrow night to avoid going to my uncle’s house. I am wasteful. I cause others to worry. And amongst all that, I can’t even take care of myself. I hate myself.

But I took care of myself the last two and a half days. I tried to be pleasant. I worked on a lot of things. And I waited patiently.

And now I am going to keep working on the deal I made with B.

I am going to take care of myself the rest of the day. I am not going to be here for dinner with my cousin. I am going to tell myself that I am 25 years old and won’t be living here much longer and I don’t have to be here every time my mom invites someone over dinner. It’s not like I would come over every single time if I lived somewhere else.

SO I am going to go take a nap, and then go to my doctor appointment, and then go swim and then go out to dinner by myself and hurt my foot driving there.

Whenever I start feeling worthless, I am going to remind myself that my only job right now is to love myself and take care of myself for just two more weeks until B gets home. Then during my trip to go see him we can talk about the plan and I can do all my follow up work. I can even do some follow up work next week. But the only thing I really HAVE to do is love myself.

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