Exciting News from MTV

Something I have been working on: how to ACCEPT ‘no’ or ‘it’s okay’.

I am getting much, much better on SAYING ‘no’ myself when I don’t want to do something.

My problem remains with how to accept a statement from someone else. For instance, my new therapist is REALLY far way – 40 minutes drive on Fridays. I asked my dad if he minds taking me there (Friday is the only way I can go and she is the only eating disorder specialist who works on Fridays with my HMO). He said “No, I don’t mind” a couple weeks ago, but I have been constantly worrying about what a burden it is to get a ride there (2 1/2 hour escapade). So we decided to try it out last Friday and it was really far but I really liked her. So I asked him again and he said it’s fine. So I just decided to do my new policy:

  • Completely give in to believing what someone says. If they aren’t telling the truth, it is THEIR problem for not being able to say “no”, not mine.

EXCITING NEWS TODAY! I found out that the new season of Jersey Shore starts JANUARY 6th!!! My life is going to be so complete in January! B. is coming home AND Jersey Shore starts again?! They might beat out the countdown to B’s return on my calendar. Haha…just kidding.

Okay. I really do like Jersey Shore though. It’s like the highlight of my week when it’s on. Such a great escape from my mind.

ALSO EXCITING —> I am to fly out to see B. Jan 8th to 15th! He is scheduled to come home right before that so I hope he isn’t late. As usual, I am nervous about working out the swimming situation, I know two in town but I don’t know if I can drop in or if I will just have to bullshit them and ask for a week-trial pass and pretend I still live in town. But if I can get that settled, I will be so excited. I wish I could just stay with him for awhile (provided the pool situation is worked out) but I know I need to do things here too.

Doing things here” means *therapy*. Bleh. Sometimes, a lot, I feel so pressured about therapy because of my family. I just want to go to me. And if I will do better in Tennessee than being at home with all these myriad of triggers, it annoys me that I feel obligated to stay here. They just don’t understand that, how much better I do out of this house. But I KNOW that, so I just have to decide what is best for myself.

I read this article lately about dealing with the holidays. It was talking about how we all revert back to our inner 12-year old when we are at home. I apply this especially living back at home, but it can be going home to visit or even just Christmas Day itself when everyone descends to the same place together. Anyway, the article said to acknowledge that this is normal and that everyone experiences it, but also to repeat to yourself over and over, “I am an adult. I can make my own decisions. I am me now.” I have been doing this a lot and I think it is really empowering and reminds me that this is true, which boosts my confidence for coping and releases that trapped feeling a little bit.

I also read an article about dealing with family interference, particularly pertaining to eating disorders. The best thing I took away from it was to realize I don’t have to be accountable to anyone but myself, because that is all that is worth it at the end of the day. I don’t have to explain anything to anyone or feel bad about myself. I just have to stay focused on myself and my goals, and most important for me is retaining who I am and who I want to be.

I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE HOLIDAYS TO BE OVER! But I am keeping in mind two things to get through:

  1. Keep repeating again and again the same thing above. I am an adult. I get to make my choices. I am working on setting up important things for my future. I am going to move out of here soon.
  2. Keep in mind my goal for the month of December: to be conscious of others’ stress and not just my own – to be more kind. So I don’t want to make the season hard for others just because I don’t like it.
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