I am just crying in frustration right now.

I need to change something in my life. After a year of forcing through the same struggles every single day and trying the same things, it has become apparent to me that this isn’t working.

I am bored out of my mind. I am restless. I am frustrated. I feel like I have no purpose.

I talk all the time about trying desperately to maintain my routine. But it is so incredibly hard to maintain a routine when it is just me. I try really hard but sometimes trying just doesn’t seem to be enough. I can’t maintain it for more than a couple of days before my mind goes crazy and gets the better of me.

I can’t entertain myself, alone, day after day with nothing.

I feel trapped here. So isolated because I can’t drive. It is the worst feeling.

I just keeping asking what God wants from me. I don’t have any strength left sometimes.  I don’t just want to survive each day anymore, clinging on by my fingernails. I want to thrive. I want to find joy in life and feel a purpose and have a schedule and not suffer.

It’s like I come up with all these plans sometimes to help myself and there is a roadblock to so many positive coping mechanisms and things that would bring me joy.

Today I just gave up. I just wanted to GO ON A WALK. I just wanted to take my dog on a walk in the sunshine to feel better. And I couldn’t do what I wanted to do.

I just wanted to drive to meet a friend for coffee. I just want to volunteer outside of the house. And I was stuck here. I just panicked and gave up. Everyone is so mad at me for not doing better but I don’t see how I can succeed like this. It’s just asking too much of someone. I think it is impossible under these conditions?

So I came up with this brilliant plan to make a schedule. I have been applying to jobs at Planned Parenthood for a long time, but last week I realized that because of the recession, they don’t have any money, so they have this plethora of volunteer and internship opportunities that in normal times would be paid. But I don’t care. If interning is how I can get involved, maybe that would turn into a job later. Besides, what I really want is to be involved in something that keeps me busy and starts building up into something.

So today I just applied to a bunch of volunteer opportunities. I HOPE someone calls me or I will call and bug them. Then I thought of this annoying roadblock that frustrates the hell out of me…

To clarify things, I can’t drive places less than a mile, though it hurts. That is how I get to the pool, which is really close to here. But the roadblock is this: there is a bus stop 1/2 a mile from here. I can’t walk there. I could drive my car near it but it is on a busy street. Where would I park. I could park down the block but then it would be two blocks walk UPHILL to the bus stop. I can’t do hills. I could do flat ground two blocks, but not hills. I wish I didn’t live in the hilliest part of town! So I don’t know what to do. I will have to find another bus stop near maybe? I hope I can.

I am just so determined to get a schedule. If I could ride the bus there and intern 12-5 every day, it would be so good for me.

I am really anxious about putting myself out there. As much as I feel trapped here, I also feel anxious to leave my house most of the time. (That comes from a bigger fear of being “trapped” because I can’t walk far. I am afraid I will get stuck somewhere; it’s like some kind of agoraphobia.) BUT, I have to take this first step in conquering that anxiety or how will I ever work again? I feel like that is the only way out.

I just want B. to be home. I just want our house and his safe arms around me and him to come home to after I do something like this and get nervous. But I don’t know when I will get that home with him, it could be months, so I have to do something in the meantime, like figure out how to disapparate like Harry Potter so I can volunteer outside the house.

Sorry for rambling. Any encouragement on conquering this fear of getting out and figuring out the bus somehow? I have to do it, don’t I? I have to just do something on my own. I don’t know if I can.




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