Scrooge-y

I like the new header of my blog because it reminds me what I always have to look forward to: Spring! I always tell myself in hard time, or in a more literal sense when I just hate winter: “Spring will always come again.”

Good times will come again.

They ARE coming! I have faith, I believe, I am excited for them. It is going to be okay.

While that gives so much hope, it doesn’t make the present easy does it?

No, it doesn’t. But it does give me enough to keep going.

I really hate the holidays. I don’t like winter much in general, although I am trying not to be so pessimistic about it as usual and actually am focusing on a few things I do like about it…like hot chocolate, being cozy in bed reading, watching movies. Okay, I had to try pretty hard to think of those.

I do like Christmas trees and that part of the holidays, the decorations. I don’t hate Christmas. I DO hate Thanksgiving and Halloween. I LOVE New Years’s Eve, LOVE IT!

But Christmas is just okay. I’m not a total Scrooge but I AM Scrooge-y.

I think what I don’t like about it is seeing my family, immediate or extended. I feel so self-conscious right now and have for a long time. But I am especially so this year and just feel a pit of fear in my stomach thinking about it. I just don’t want to see anyone. I just don’t want to live here. I want to be an INDEPENDENT adult and move on. But I am hoping that will come soon.

I never look well this time of year. I know that. I get sad in the winter, I lose my appetite. I look pale and cold. Then as Spring comes along I look and feel better. Every year.

I am just tired of people worrying about me, about if I am sad, whatever. I have been sad the last two holidays. My boyfriend was about to deploy last Christmas and he has been over there this whole year. I just feel like people judge me, like they are saying “be stronger!” in their head when they talk to me.

But I am strong. And lately I have been strong and positive. They just aren’t privy to my thoughts all the time to see how strong I am and how many things I am working on.

So I realized lately that I have to show them. When people say, “how are you?”, I have to say “I’m great thanks”, not “eh, okay”. Because I am more than “eh, okay” now, for one thing, and also because that just feeds into their thinking that I am always going to be “the one who struggles” and never okay.

I am tired of perceiving myself as mentally ill. I DO have (several types of) mental illness, but I am more than that and the more I act strong and think strong, the more I will believe myself to be capable.

So I can do that in my own brain and try not to let them get me too down.

But I still don’t want to see them.

I was trying to brainstorm last night when I couldn’t fall asleep: where could I go stay just for Christmas Day? Or for a week while my grandparents are staying here (forgot about that). I have three friends that aren’t from here that I could stay in their place while they are gone for the holidays. But then my mom would be mad. And that makes me feel like a little kid. And that makes me feel like a Scrooge.

Good things (for my positivity plan):

• B. may be coming home earlier than thought! Like two weeks earlier!
• I saw Harry Potter 7: Part I last night and it was awesome! Can I just say it really annoys me when people go to movies like that without having read the books first? THAT is my pet peeve! ALWAYS, always read the book first before anything! Anyway, loved the movie and wish I could watch it again right now.
• Went to the movie and dinner beforehand with my friend. I felt so NORMAL. We talked, supported each other, had dinner, had a drink, and went to the movie. I felt happy and NORMAL. I eat dinner totally fine going out with friends like that. I can’t do it around my family! I really need to get away from them. I KNOW my self-confidence and the inner joy for life in me will come out again!