Something happening with my family today that is causing all kinds of overwhelming emotions – shame, sadness, embarrassment, fear.
Basically, they have confronted me (again…has been awhile) about my eating disorder. I don’t feel angry. Just embarrassed and scared and like a child (will explain that last one more in a minute). I also don’t know what else to tell them because I feel like I am working as hard as I can right now and already know the things I need to work harder on and have made them my goals. I feel hurt in some strange way, just uncomfortable. I have had an eating disorder for ten years. I have weighed the same weight for 2.5 years. Like, exactly the same +/- 2-3 pounds. I feel a little more worried about myself lately since this summer, but also feel better than I did Winter 08-09 when I was much more active yet weighed the same (pre-nerve disorder/disease).
I think a huge problem for me right now is not feeling like an adult. As I have said, this always happens to me when I live at home – all my self-confidence goes out the window and I have a lot of problems. This situation is making me feel even more like a little kid and I hate that feeling so much. This morning I felt like my world crashed down around me.
Yet I am still managing to smile right now because B sent me such an encouraging e-mail and message.
So I just decided that I AM an adult. Because…I AM. I am 25 years old!
So I want to make decisions for myself. I want to make decisions for myself and with B. I realized that my mom doesn’t understand what I am saying that I need him to come home first. I just want to move on from my mom and my family. B and I have an adult intimate relationship. We are partners. I am ready to move on to that next stage of my life.
My mom needs to let me go and I need to let her go.
When I think this way, I feel stronger, braver, and MORE motivated.
It’s too bad that my family’s “interventions” always backfire and make me feel more like a child which sets off the cascade.
Tonight I am going to therapy and she is coming. I want to take the good lessons from their concern and still let myself be an adult and take confidence from that.