I fell apart today a lot. I think I overwhelmed my boyfriend, which is saying a lot because he is so patient with me, with my crying on the phone. And my mom was really nice today to bring me tea but I couldn’t come out of my room all day until just recently this evening because I was too afraid, so I don’t want her to have to worry about me.
So…why I have to be stronger:
- To support B.: He is stressed; he has seen hard things; he misses me and wants to be home too. I know he doesn’t ever want me to hide things from him and that I can always talk to him, and that is amazing and I think it is a good thing, but I need to make sure that at least half of our conversations are good ones, where I talk about good things and exciting things in the future, and am not JUST freaking out and needing him so much and crying so hard.
- My mom: she needs me to be strong so she doesn’t have to worry about me so much because she works really hard. I think it’s good if I ask simple things like today: like when I need her to reassure me it’s okay to be in my safe place and to bring me tea. But I need to be perceptive about when I am unloading things on people. Like when she gets home from work is a bad time but the weekends can be okay. I really need to support my mom and make things easier for her because I feel like my dad is making things harder and causing her worry with his increasing alcohol problem.
- Same thing with B. I feel so guilty I did that to him today because he had already said how tired he was right at the beginning of the conversation. I need to be more perceptive and think outside of myself and realize that a) he was tired and had a long/hard day, and b) he was in his office and couldn’t really talk that intimately to calm me down because there were people nearby so that made it awkward for him.
So there you have it. Some things to motivate me to be a stronger, better person.
I just always want to be improving myself and who I am and this is something I can do. I feel so guilty about my conversation/falling apart with B. this morning. But instead of feeling guilty and just repeating over and over that I am sorry the next time I talk to him, I am just going to change instead and work on my goal of being more positive. Especially on the phone. E-mail is easier to talk about hard things I think, but we don’t have that long to talk on the phone and I know he needs me too sometimes and I want it to be more balanced. I want to make him smile when he calls me, remind him of my love and about our exciting future. He gives so much to me and I want to give back. I keep thinking that I can only give back if he tells ME the hard things too, but I don’t think that is necessarily how he always operates. It keeps him going to hear my voice and to know I am okay and to hear that I love him. So I will just express my guilt on here and then do better tomorrow and make his day better so he can go to sleep without worry. I have this obsession to e-mail him and apologize again. It is really hard for me to be patient to wait to tell someone something! But I just want to tell him that in the morning, that I realize the best way to support him is to share good things sometimes too and that I will work on that.