I am so sick of my stomach hurting virtually every single day of my life. It’s a combination of nausea, some pain, and this weird churning feeling I can’t describe. It is so bad in the morning. It’s to the point now where I am afraid to go to sleep because I just dread how I feel in the morning. Last night I ate a piece of pumpkin pie and then I was just praying (literally) over and over that I would wake up feeling okay. Then I woke up feeling really awful and it led to a very hard day today, when I had a great plan before.
I think it’s partly my fibromyalgia causing the stomach problems it usually causes (including my gluten intolerance & intolerance to milk; constipation, etc.) and chronic ANXIETY.
I also know the best way to take care of it is to take care of and love myself. I have this problem of blaming every physical ailment on myself. What did I eat? Did I eat the wrong thing/too late/too much? Did I not drink enough water? Did I do this or that wrong to cause this? Then I punish myself when I already feel sick.
I just need to accept that I have a medical condition that causes this and that I also have an anxiety disorder that is pretty severe and makes it worse. I think after you have this much chronic stress for so long, your body just develops a more chronic problem, rather than just having the acute nausea when you get an anxiety attack.
I just want to drink tea and wait it out in the morning. But it’s so hard because I wake up just feeling like straight SHIT every day and then start panicking right after that. So it’s really hard not to get so frustrated and then be impulsive. I am already terrified of tomorrow and don’t want to eat anything tonight so it won’t be as bad. AND my mom forgot to get my gluten-free bread today so I can’t even have toast in the morning. I just feel so nervous about the morning that I am making myself feel even sicker, and I have felt sick all day. Sometimes I feel like I have no chance to recover from this eating disorder when these symptoms are so severe and the sickness itself is the trigger. That is kind of a nice feeling sometimes, just to feel that I am so brave to do as well as I do and fight as hard as I do when I am up against so much that is SO BIOLOGICAL.
I got a little hope today by thinking that when B. gets home I will feel so much safer and less anxious. I was just thinking about in Thailand how this feeling in the morning WAS there, but was so so so much improved, almost indescribably improved, because I was happy and felt safe. I also ate almost entirely gluten-free there and only had one binge/purge in 16 days. I am not going to say AT ALL that I didn’t have anxiety there but the severity and the panic were so much better.
But then at the same time, I have been worrying today about the time frame. How much longer I have to endure of this really hard part. I kept thinking “January….January”. But lately I have been panicking about how B. really probably won’t be home until February and then he will still be in Tennessee for awhile until his contract is up, and then I don’t know where we will live because we really want to live in Denver but he has to look country-wide with the recruiting agencies he is working with to even get offers.
I told him that that was okay, that I really just want to be together. Which is true, it is silly to take a job for $50,000 a year when he could make $90,000. He originally told the recruiter that he only wanted to work in Denver because he wants me to be happy. Which is really sweet. But then when he told me that they didn’t think he would get any opportunities from them if it was that narrow, I told him that we should just keep our options open.
But that is stressful for me. I don’t want to have to deal with another huge change of moving somewhere again and then having to worry about how I will go back to school there, in a different place. But if we got engaged, it would make it all okay for me. For some reason that just makes me feel safe, like we are officially making the plan TOGETHER and thus it will all work out eventually. Then I will feel like I am working on something either way because we are truly building our life together.
I know he wants to get engaged and married when he gets home. He brings it up a lot and it makes me smile. And in Thailand he told me he wants to ask me when he gets home. That he doesn’t want to tell me the exact date so it is still a surprise obviously but soon after that.
But I get worried because I don’t know what “soon” means. I know I just need to be patient because he is a planner and always goes all out with everything and will have to save up to get a perfect, big ring and do some elaborate proposal. I respect that that is what is fun and important for him.
I think it sucks to be a girl because you have no control over this. And it is really ridiculous that I am even whining with all the times he talks about it and tells me he is doing secret planning about it, and even talks about it with his friends. I just want it soon, I can’t help it. I have waited here so long and I just want this wonderful thing that will make me happy and excited and not so worried about the future. It will just make me feel safe and it is what I want more than anything in the world. I am just having trouble being patient. My body and mind just feels stretched so thin and I feel like I am going to break. It has just been years of hard times and uncertainty and change and fear.
I am just writing about this on here because I feel sad that I don’t have a relationship with my mom or sisters that I can talk about how exciting this all is to talk about how he says these exciting and nice things to me and how much I am looking forward to getting engaged. It was so nice to be with my aunt in Montana: a romantic person that I was comfortable talking about it with, and who got excited about it, and then who kept telling me that everything is going to be okay. She said that I AM doing something worthwhile right now by supporting him and being brave. She just believes in the partnership of it and that is so nice to me. She made me feel so much faith.