Cozy

Good day today.

It snowed here, and I actually feel cozy inside. I am appreciating the changing seasons this year more than usual.

I am freaking out (kind of, not as bad as yesterday) about going to Montana. It’s the pool thing. That is the one piece of independence I have (controlling when I get to go) and one of the few things I really enjoy that relieves my stress. I am panicking about giving that up. It might turn out fine and my aunt will love to take me every morning and go with me. But I don’t know that. I keep going back and forth in my mind.

I wish I had bought my ticket for next weekend. I might try to switch it since I can get a deal for $70 for next weekend, but that is wasting this weekend’s ticket.

Here are my options:

  • go this weekend and buy the cheap ticket to return next weekend – this way I don’t feel trapped that I am there for too long
  • go this weekend and return with my family after Thanksgiving  – they are driving up for the holiday and then I would drive back with them
  • go with my family for Thanksgiving (drive up with them) and just totally ditch my ticket this weekend and lose the money
  • go next weekend with the cheap ticket (and ditch my ticket this weekend) and then come home with my family

I think the first option is the best. I will ask my boyfriend if he will buy the $70 return ticket for me. Then I can ditch that one if I am doing good and stay for Thanksgiving. Or come home and celebrate the holiday (hopefully) with other relatives that live in Denver.

I know my aunt will be really disappointed if I don’t come. I JUST WANT TO GET TO SET UP A PLAN WHERE WE CAN GO TO THE POOL EVERY MORNING!

I want to ask for that so bad, but I don’t want to seem like a high-maintenance/picky house guest.

She works from home. Actually she isn’t working that much at all right now and her schedule is really flexible either way. If she has to babysit my cousin’s baby, I would seriously not mind just getting dropped off at the pool, showering there, and waiting there for three hours reading if she needs to do things.

The other thing is…what if it’s expensive to pay for the pool?! I don’t have ANY extra money. I didn’t even pay my credit card bill this month. I really need to stop going to therapy so I can pay all of my other bills. That is my plan for the winter. As I said the other day, therapy has not been very helpful to me most of the time lately. I have been in and out of therapy for 9 years…I think I know enough.

I am going to decide this today and hopefully buy the ticket for next weekend today.

I guess I just have to ask for the pool. And tell her I am willing to wait there as long as needed. I couldn’t sleep last night just feel waves of anxiety in my stomach about this. But I have anxiety and all its accompanying physical symptoms every day plus panic attacks (and can’t sleep) so is it really any different?

To be honest, I am kind of worried about eating there too – ok, a lot – although the swimming thing is a bigger issue. I am used to eating on my own and how I want to. And I hate having to explain my gluten intolerance to people – I always feel so judged because I can’t officially say I have Celiac’s.

Good things today:

  1. I love the phone conversations that I get to have with B. I love how we are a team.
  2. The pool here was warm today and thus I had a really good swim.
  3. I am cozy.

This has really become quite a journal for me. I mostly just write for myself. It hurts my arm nerves to write with a pen too much. And more importantly, thoughts flow through my brain so fast and I can type faster than I can write to get them out.

I want to do research today on my career stuff. I either want to do pharmacy school (the big goal) or get back into medical diagnostics (and get my actual certification in a discipline so I can actually get hired). B and I have been talking about how we both want to live in Denver when he gets back, but he was asking me how I would feel if we had to move somewhere else so he can get a better job. The most important thing is that we are together. But I know from experience that it is going to be really important to me to have my own career to work on (and at least a job) if I have to deal with the change of moving. So fitting in the time table and planning for where I am going to go to school becomes hard. But I am willing to push back my time table a little bit. As long as we can be in one place long enough for me to go to school, I could be okay with it. I just want to be together! I miss him so much. I am so tired of all these hard times that come with being apart and not getting a chance to breathe. I can’t wait til he gets home and I can be in his arms again and we can make our plan together.

    
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