Titled…

Still stuggling with boredom and restlessness, my two worst enemies. Anxiety also (mortal enemy)…still just so many physical symptoms from it. I just realize more and more how much my shakes and panic symptoms are anxiety.

It is worse in the morning. I immediately wake up and gasp for breath, my head spins, and I feel like I am shaking all over. It is also really bad in the evening. I have a hard time sleeping.

I do worry a lot (and ruminate a lot). But most of the time, I don’t know what I am specifically afraid of or panicked about. It is just there…all the time. I guess that is the hallmark of having an anxiety disorder, truly a part of the definition.

I am going to go swimming in about 45 minutes. Just because today isn’t a perfect day, doesn’t mean I have to further torture myself by denying the one outlet that relieves some of my restlessness.

I applied to 3-4 more jobs today. One looks really cool as an opthamology assistant. I want to not strain myself physically but still get to work in some kind of science environment where I can learn.

Day by day, moment by moment. Do whatever I can to reduce anxiety and survive in a way that takes care of myself.

I have been working on volunteer work the last hour. I am supposed to have therapy today at 2 o’clock…but I am not going to go. I like when we have phone appointments, but going in just causes me more stress than it relieves. I have been worrying about getting all the way over there for days. I have to find a ride to the bus stop, then ride the bus an hour and half each way. On days when my pain is bad, the bus’ vibrations (from the diesel) really hurt and irritate the nerves in my ankles/feet and make it worse. I am worried about that happening today because it bugged me last time I went over there.

So I called her and left a message asking if we can do another phone appointment and apologizing for it being last-minute. If she is mad, she is mad, I guess. I was so scared to ask and embarrassed about it. We’ll see if she calls back or just charges me $125 for late cancellation. I know they always want me to come in, but I have been going in since March and I am sick of it. I don’t see why since I am disabled that I can’t continue to do phone appointments for a couple months until B. gets home and I can get a ride more easily or we can figure something else out. If she won’t let me do that, I think I am going to have to take a break for a little while. She is pregnant and is taking January off anyway when she has the baby. The whole situation sucks. I really like her and have seen her since college, with a break for about three years when I saw other people because she was doing post-grad work and we lost touch. Then I randomly found her again and that was kind of cool. She still gets paid if we do the appointment on the phone, obviously. My point is that I wouldn’t care if I was her, but I wonder if there is some legal reason or something why we can’t? SOO stressed about this!

Doggies we are rescuing this week:

Juliet

Romeo

“Focus on living well regardless of how you are feeling at the moment.” – great quote summing up my main goal right now.

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